Mosiah, Chapter 13

1) And now when the king had tired of Abinadi's ravings, he said unto his priests: Away with this chap, comma, and slay him, semicolon, for what have we to do with him, comma, for he is mad, comma, and we slay mad people. 

2) And the transcriber did cringe, for the king was attempting to force him to overpunctuate. And behold, the priests stood forth and attempted to lay their hands on Abinadi; but he withstood them, and said unto them:

3) Touch me not, for God shall kill you if ye lay your hands upon me, for while He shall not save a child from abuse, He shall save a judgmental asshole from the natural consequences of his threats and insults. Neither will God suffer that I shall be destroyed before I answer your questions, which I have no intention of ever doing. So neiner, neiner, neiner.   

4) Because ye are angry with me I know that I have spoken the truth, for there is no other reason for anger except against truth. And because I have spoken of a narcissistic God with contradictory laws ye have judged me that I am mad, but ye dare not lay your hands upon me, for the Spirit of the Lord is upon me, and it would burn thee like a popcorn in a microwave that was accidentally set for ten minutes instead of one.

5) Now it came to pass that after Abinadi had spoken these words that the priests looked at each other, and then at the jaguars that lay at Noah's feet, and then with one accord they snapped their fingers, and Abinadi was mauled to death before their eyes. And behold, they were covered by flying organs, and the spleen did hit Noah in the face.

6) And the reader was spared the painful rehash of the Ten Commandments plagiarized directly out of a version of the Bible that wouldn't be written for another two Millenia.

Less-Believable Alternate Ending
7) And it came to pass that Abinadi's face shone with three-thousand lumens, even as Moses' did while in the mount of Sinai while speaking with the Lord, or at least after he got back, for nobody had been on the mount with him to see if was shining while up there or not.

8) And the priests of Noah did believe Abinadi, for they had just witnessed an unquestionable miracle. Behold, there was not a single skeptic in the crowd willing to go up and test Abinadi's claim, for they would not prove him by even sending a condemned prisoner to give the luminary a poke. Nevertheless, despite their absolute belief, they did not believe.

9) And Abinadi did continue speaking, saying, I finish my message; and then it mattereth not to me what happens to you so long as I am saved. For behold, my motives are fundamentally selfish in nature.

10) But this much I tell you, what ye do with me shall be a type and a shadow of things which are to come. Therefore, I would strongly recommend that ye get me nice and drunk and fuck me to death with a hundred beautiful women.

11) And now I read unto you from these plates. And these plates I am carrying in my bound hands, and they did magically appear out of nowhere, for there is no way I could have smuggled them into and out of prison with me. Yea, and I do read from these plates that did suddenly materialize, for I don't know the commandments well enough to recite them from memory.

12) And now, ye remember that in the last chapter I said that thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image of things which are in heaven above, or which are in the earth beneath? Well, I forgot to add things which are in the water under the earth. So I'm saying it now. Don't sculpt images of things in the groundwater either.

13) And again. Or is this the first time? I don't remember. Again, thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them, for I the Lord thy God am really fucking embarrassed for you when ye do stupid shit like that, so just don't. If ye do, I shall visit your posterity with a sore cursing unto the third and fourth generation, as is my modus operandi!

14) Also as is my M.O., I show mercy unto those that love me and keep my commandments! Well, that is, unless they are within the third and fourth generation of an idol worshiper, in which case they are stuck with their ancestors' sore cursing. Fuck those guys.

15) Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, and if ye do, for Christ's sake give it back!

16) Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. It's very simple. Don't forget which day that is and start celebrating on the Sun-worshippers' Day or I shall become really pissed!

17) Six days shalt thou labor, no more, no less. Six shall be the number thou shalt work, and the number of the working shall be six. Seven shalt thou not work, neither workest thou five, excepting that thou thence proceed to six.

18) But the seventh day thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy man-slave, nor thy woman-slave, nor thy tapir, nor thy sock puppet, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; Nevertheless I did not mention thy wife. A man's gotta eat.

19) For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, and the sea, and a couple of other things I'm sure; wherefore the Lord consecrated the sabbath day for all thy church meetings, and all thy ministerings, and all thy firesides, for the Lord did not rest upon the seventh day that thou mayest sit upon thine ass!

20) Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land, for the day truly drags on forever unto he who visits his parents.

21) Thou shalt not kill.

22) Unless God wants you to. Thought I would include that. Same with adultery. Concubines are totally cool if you're God's top man, but otherwise, nyooooo. And stealing? ....well, define stealing.

23) Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Nevertheless thou art totally cool with bearing false witness in favor of him. Especially if he starts a global religion.

24) And last but not least, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, nor his wife, nor his slaves, nor his cattle, nor his penis, nor anything that is thy neighbor's except it be his faith, his testimony, or the essential oils that he is offering to you for the low price of only $69.99!

25) And it came to pass that after Abinadi had made an end of these sayings that he made a beginning of other sayings without any pause between the two.

26) I say unto you, have ye taught this people to observe whether they do these things or not? Don't answer that question, for it is rhetorical!

27) I did not come forth to prophesy evil concerning you that ye might have a chance to point out how evil it actually is!

28) And now, let me point out a few, shall we say, contradictions in what I have taught you. For I have said that salvation cometh through obedience to the commandments, but what I meant to say was that salvation cometh through the atonement, for it must needs be that Jesus is the only way to get into heaven.

29) Therefore the law which has been given is no more than an excuse God uses to condemn everybody, and thus, having arbitrarily placed every person in the position where they must unavoidably perish, God hath set up the system whereby all must be smitten lest they bow before Him, and worship Him, and remember Him all the time.

30) Therefore there was a law given, yea, a law of performances and of ordinances, a law which we are to observe strictly from day to day, to keep us subjugated unto God and our duty towards Him, all for no other reason than to watch us fail.

31) But behold, I say unto you that all these things are a type for those who really have control over you, which are the cult leaders.

32) And now, do they understand this trap? Don't answer that, for it is also rhetorical, and the wrong answer might spark rebellion within your hearts if ye truly understand that there can not any any man be saved except it be through the redemption of God. Rebellion would be failing to conform to the tractable nature that God has wanted from you ever since Old Testament times.

33) For behold, did not Moses prophesy concerning the coming of the Messiah? Don't answer that questions either! Yea, for I fear that ye might point out that he did not, neither is there any reference in the Old Testament to a messiah anywhere, except for those passages which have been taken out of context and twisted by Christians to make them appear so.

34) Has the Old Testament not said that God himself should come down among the children of men, and take upon him the form of man, and go forth in mighty power upon the face of the earth, and bring to pass the resurrection of the dead?

35) That is correct. It has not said that.