Jacob, Chapter 7

1) And now it came to pass that after some years had passed away, something cool happened, yea, and I did dust off this record and began writing again, one last time.

2) It came to pass that there came a man among the people whose name was Sherem. And it came to came to pass that he did preach and declare unto them that there should be no Christ. And he preached many things which were logical and reasonable unto the people; yea, and his teachings were very flattering, because they did cause the people to feel as though they were smart enough to think for themselves.

3) And he labored diligently that he might lead away the hearts of the people, for thus I describe it whenever a man preacheth beliefs that I disagree with; and he knowing that I, Jacob, did labor diligently that I might lead souls in the correct path, which is a different thing altogether, he sought much opportunity that he might convert me to his way of thinking.

4) But what he did not realize what that he was a character in a fictional story, and when your entire existence is a product of someone who is making shit up, literally anything can happen to you.

5) Wherefore, he had hope to shake me from the faith using his reason and his science, notwithstanding I was armed with a +5 confirmation bias broadsword against logic. And also, I had read Shaken Faith Syndrome by Michael Ash, wherefore I could not be shaken.

6) And it came to pass that Sherem came unto me, and on this wise did he speak unto me, saying: Brother Jacob, I address you with that title notwithstanding I am not a member of your church, yea, and I am not even your brother. More like a nephew or grandchild or something. Everyone keeps forgetting about our family size and inbreeding. There aren't many options.

7) But lo! Ye have failed to keep thy pronouns straight! And ye have abandoned the law of Moses six-hundred years before Christ should come and do away with it, and this technically maketh thy church an apostate sect right now. Yea, ye hast adopted a form of Christianity, and hast justified your clear departure from Judaism by claiming that some day Christianity will exist, kind of like the defense "they were products of their time," but in reverse. What sayest thou?

8) And behold, notwithstanding his shitty pronouns, he did have a pretty good point, but I wasn't ready to give up so easily.

9) And I besought him, saying: Deniest thou the Christ who shall come? And he said: If there should be a Christ, I would not deny him; but I know that if we were bound by the gospel of the future, then Joseph Smith would have been excommunicated for practicing polygamy, Brigham Young would have been expected to give blacks the priesthood, and thou wouldst probably be fucked for keeping gay marriage out of the temple.

10) And I said unto him: Believest thou the scriptures? And he said, Nay.

11) And I said unto him: Well let's assume that thou dost. Behold, they truly testify of Christ. Behold, I say unto you that none of the prophets have written, nor prophesied about him explicitly, but never underestimate the power of being able to see what thou wantest to see.

12) And this is not all - it has been made manifest unto me that the Old Testament doth not even seem to teach belief in an afterlife of any kind, for all ordinances are outward, designed to appease a God that exerteth power upon the living, and that this seemeth to undermine even the concept of an atonement for mankind. But behold, it is not so. Because the Holy Ghost.

13) And it came to pass that he said unto me: Show me a sign by the power of the Holy Ghost, in the which ye know so much.

14) And I said unto him: Nay. People do not actually receive signs, for then belief would come too easily. Yet thou art an asshole, and because thou art of the devil thou wouldst not believe even if thou didst receive a sign! So that would probably give thee a slightly better chance of getting one, I suppose. And he said unto me, yeah huh, I would too believe if I got a sign. And I said, fuck it. This is a fictional story anyway. Here's your sign. Be cursed!

15) And it came to pass that when I, Jacob, had spoken these words, the power of the Lord came upon him, insomuch that he fell to the earth. And it came to pass that he was nourished for the space of many days. Nevertheless, there was none who would change his bed sheets whenever he shat himself, and it was according to the pleasure of God.

16) And it came to pass that he became sick on account of his poor hygiene, and he said unto the people: Gather together on the morrow, for I shall die; wherefore, I desire to speak unto the people before I shall die.

17) And it came to pass that on the morrow the multitude were gathered together; and the stench reached far and wide, and he was bleeding from his eyeballs, and he did cough, and did spatter his handkerchief with blood.

18) And he spake plainly unto the people that he had been deceived by the power of the devil, but that he was much happier now that he had repented and accepted Christ. And he did cough again, and chunks of raw lung projected from his esophagus.

19) And he came right up to my face, and did say unto me: I confess that thou dost have the power of God, for I did see it with mine own eyes. And he began to laugh, and in his hysteria he did fall to the Earth. And I did ask of him, what is so funny? For I beheld that he was in the final throes of death. And behold, he said unto me: Thou saidst that I wouldn't believe. Some prophet!

20) And it came to pass that when he had said these words he laughed again, grinning, and he gave up the ghost.

21) And when the multitude had witnessed that he had pwned me with his last breath, they were astonished exceedingly, insomuch that they did lose all respect for me, and went home.

22) Now, Sherem's death was pleasing unto me, Jacob, for I had requested it of my Father who was in heaven; for he had heard my cry and answered my prayer.

23) And I don't give a flying fuck if the people of Nephi or any of you judgmental assholes in the future think I am a monster because of it. I don't need your approval. All I care about is that the people of Nephi can no longer hearken unto the words of a wicked man whom I disagreed with on theological grounds that one time.

24) But it came to pass that I was wrong, for in his death I had turned Sherem into a martyr, and his philosophies of analytical thought and skepticism did begin to take hold, insomuch that our society began to be exceedingly secular.

25) Wherefore, the people of Nephi did make peace with the Lamanites, for they no longer saw themselves as superior because of their whiteness, or entitled to be leaders and teachers over their brethren, but rather they began to see themselves as equals.

26) And it came to pass that I, Jacob, began to be old; and my racist and supremacist tendencies were no longer tolerated. And I beheld that the record of this people was kept on the other plates of Nephi - ye know, the ones that Martin Harris lost - and notwithstanding there being two records that were essentially identical, I did continue to insist that we had to limit what we wrote and try not to repeat ourselves. Not sure if I've said that or not yet. Anyhoo, I conclude this record by saying that our lives passed away like as it were unto us a dream, yea, even as a fiction.

27) And I, Jacob, saw that I must soon go down to my grave; wherefore, I said unto my son Enos: Takes these plates. And I told him to give them back, for I had not yet written this last verse. So I wrote it, and then I gave the plates unto him again, but seeing as this verse was again not quite complete, he did once more give them back unto me. And now I make an end, for I see no way to properly hand these plates off within the body of my narrative. Adios hermanos.