Mosiah, Chapter 10

1) And it came to pass that we began to worry that maybe the family and friends of the three thousand and forty-three Lamanites we had just killed might seek revenge, so I caused that there should be more weapons of war made of every kind, that thereby we might kill even more when they came back.

2) And I set guards round about the land, that the Lamanites might not come upon us unawares again and destroy us; and thus I did have to tax my people heavily, for all those guards had to be paid somehow, and the combined lands of Nehi-Lephi-Shalaamalekum had a very large perimeter to monitor.

3) And it came to pass that we did inherit the land of our fathers for the space of twenty and two years; and by that I mean additional years, for we no longer counted the thirteen years we had inhabited the land before the great massacre, for behold, the timeline was being stretched far enough already in order to make it consistent with that of the other people of Nephi.

4) And I did cause that the men, other than the ones I had conscripted as guards, should till the ground, for I was a strict micromanager.

5) And I did cause that the women should do work fitting for the weaker sex, such as making fine linen, which was spun from flax we had imported all the way from Europe, that we might clothe our nakedness; for indeed we had been naked before this time.

6) And it came to pass that we did have continual peace in the land for this space of twenty and two years; and it came to pass that king Laman died, and his son, whose name was Stu, breaking with tradition, began to reign in his stead. And being angered that his people had lost their lust for revenge, he began to publish propaganda against my people; thereby they began to prepare for war.

7) But I had been sending my spies out round about the land of Shemlon, which is not to be confused with Shilom, but close enough that you can see the north side of Shilom from it, that I might discover the nature of their propaganda.

8) And it came to pass that the Lamanites came up upon the north of the land of Shilom with their numerous hosts, men armed with bows, and with arrows, and with swords, and with cimeters, and with slings, and with every weapon I had just invented in the last chapter; and they had their heads shaved that they were naked, for up to that point their hair had been the only thing covering their private parts; and they were girded with a leather girdle about their loins, which meant they weren't technically naked at all, but we were judging them by our own modesty standards.

9) And it came to pass that I caused that the women and children of my people should leave the protection of our heavily fortified city and hide defenseless in the middle of the wilderness; for behold, notwithstanding the Lamanites clearly had demonstrated prowess in espionage up to this point, I knew in my heart that there was no way their spies could track a large group of thousands of fleeing women, children, and crying babies.

10) And it came to pass that we menfolk did go up to battle against the Lamanites, yea, even our old men and our twelve year-old boys, for all those who had grown up wielding a penis were considered as having sufficient experience to brandish a sword.

11) And the Lord did once again fight on our side, for the Lamanites had become dead to Him simply for not knowing about Him, therefore the Lord saw it more as cleaning up corpses rather than murdering His own children.

12) They were a wild, and ferocious, and a vengeful people, believing in the propaganda being published by their king, which is this - That they were forced out of Jerusalem by father Lehi, and that they were wronged in the wilderness by their brethren, and they were also wronged while crossing the sea; And again, that they were wronged while in the land of their first inheritance, after they had crossed the sea.

13) But I, Zeniff, recognizing that these claims were mostly true, did instigate a counter-propaganda campaign among my own people, which is this - That Nephi was justified in shaming his brethren because he was more faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord - therefore he was favored of the Lord, and only did it all because that's what the Lord wanted.

14) And his brethren were wroth with him because they understood not that this was how the Lord worked; and thus they did harden their hearts against the Lord.

15) And again, they were wroth with Nephi when they had arrived in the promised land, because they said that he had taken the ruling of the people out of their hands, which was all a lie. Nephi hadn't done that - the Lord had.

16) And again, they were wroth with him because he departed into the wilderness - again at the Lord's command - and took the records which were engraven on the plates of brass, for they said that Nephi had made no attempt to discuss rightful ownership, negotiate shared custody, or even make a fucking copy of the plates.

17) But what would have been the point? It was all the Lord's decision, as revealed through Nephi, and you don't question the Lord even when he speaks regarding political issues. Therefore, because of their lack of faith in the Lord's mouthpiece, they have taught their children that they should hate the Nephites, and that they should murder them, and that they should rob and plunder them, and do all they could to destroy them, although they do require motivation after not doing any of these things for twenty and two years.

18) For this very cause has king Laman, by his cunning and craftiness, deceived me, that I have brought this my people up into this land, that he might destroy them; yea, and we have suffered these many years in the land.

19) And now I, Zeniff, did stretch the truth a little in that last verse, for I knew that King Laman had already died as per verse 6 having left us in peace for more than two decades, that he could not rise from his grave to destroy us, and I also knew that we had not suffered these many years, but rather had lived in prosperity and peace as per verse 5, but those plain truths did not benefit my counter-propaganda campaign, so I did lie a little for the Lord.

20) And being thus armed with righteous indignation, it came to pass that we did contend with the Lamanites face to face, and we slew them with a great slaughter, and we did drive them again our of our land, except for those that had been slain, and the dead were so many that we did not number them.

21) And it came to pass that we returned again to our own land, which is to say the land we were fighting in and had just driven the Lamanites out of.

22) And I did send a messenger to fetch the women and children, but behold, they had all been slaughtered by marauders, and in our absence all the goods within the city had been stolen.