2 Nephi, Chapter 9

1) And now, my beloved brethren, and I hesitate not to call you brethren although most of you are my nephews and children, and many are even girls, behold, I, Jacob, have read these things that ye might know concerning the covenants of the Lord that he has covenanted with all the house of Israel -

2) Yea, and I don't know what covenants I'm talking about either, there wasn't much in there, but the Lord hath spoken them by the mouth of his holy prophets from the beginning of time down until they shall be restored to the true church and fold of God. Yes, what I have just read is exactly how those covenants are going to go.

3) Behold, my beloved brethren, I speak unto you these things that ye may lift up your heads and rejoice because of the blessings which the Lord God shall bestow upon your children, yea, and that ye may forget that the Lord hath promised that they shall endure many generations of bloody warfare and ultimate extermination, for while that is true, it is not very useful.

4) For I know that ye have searched much, many of you, to know of things to come. Well, rather than be a smart ass and tell you that ye are all going to die, I'll tell this fortune; each and every one of you in this room shall see God in the flesh.

5) Yes, God shall come down from heaven and become Jesus. He shall not be sent by God, for that would imply there are two Gods, and we know there is but one, but he shall show himself unto those at Jerusalem, physically, and he shall allow himself to be killed, physically.

6) But Jacob, ye ask, what doth this have to do with us? Thou hast said that we will see Jesus in the flesh as part of our fortune-telling, but now thou sayest that he's not going to show himself for more than five hundred years, and on a different hemisphere! Well, the answer to your question is the resurrection. Your flesh will waste away and die, but ye shall be resurrected and go unto heaven, and there ye shall see God. In the flesh. Get it?

7) You see, the body is like a glove. Eh, fuck it. Jesus died to give us all bodies and save us from our sins. If he hadn't done so, we would have suffered for literal infinity, an endless duration. Sideways-8 forever. ∞-nity. That's how much suffering we must have suffered if not for Jesus, so his atonement is therefore infinite. Mind = blown.

8) Oh the wisdom of God, his mercy and grace! For behold, if his punishments did not go on for eternity, there would be no incentive to make good choices in this life! And this because people are smart asses and would gladly pay a finite price to enjoy beer and sex and child abuse here on Earth.

9) Nope. God saw that one coming, so he wrote capital punishment into every law. Therefore, if ye look at your brother sideways, Bam! Ye become devils, angels to a devil, to be shut out from the presence of our God, and to remain with the father of lies, that being who told the truth to our first parents in the first place, who maketh himself appear all moral and innocent, and called God a liar, but the devil is the one who lieth, and ye know because God said so, and God always tells the truth.

10) O how great the goodness of our God! Yea, he prepareth a way for our escape from the grasp of his own eternal punishments, yea, even that monster that he created, death and hell, which I call the death of the body, and also the death of the spirit.

11) Let me explain. No, let me sum up. death of the body is not death like most people think. It is the separation of the spirit from the body, like that glove thing I was going to talk about. The body goes into the Earth, and the spirit goes shaking people's hands.

12) Death of the spirit is like that too, except that obviously spirits can't die like a body, even though they're made up of the same kind of material, just more refined and pure in nature. No, spirit health and fitness is not a thing. Spiritual death is the separation of the spirit from God. The spirit goes on its own merry way into outer darkness, and God rots and decays into the Earth like a glove.

13) Wherefore, the death of the body is no big deal, for we shall still be us, and we were spirits for billions of years before we were born, so it's just going back to how we were, but temporarily. Resurrection, then, is like bad porn. God giveth it out for free.

14) Spiritual death is the part that mattereth. When we appear before God, naked and legs splayed, we shall have a perfect knowledge of all our guilt, and our uncleanness, and our nakedness, but also all the good parts too, not that there is anything wrong with being naked. After all, God created us that way, and it was the Devil that made Adam and Eve self-conscious about their nudity.

15) And we shall have become immortal, because we weren't already going to live forever anyway, and God shall look deep into our souls and anuses, and we shall be judged according to the holey judgment of God.

16) And assuredly, as the Lord liveth, for the Lord God hath spoken it, and he never ever ever ever lieth, they who are righteous shall be righteous still, and they who are filthy shall be filthy still, for nobody changeth, and there is no eternal progress in this life or the next.

17) And the filthy shall burn in an everlasting fire whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever, and for them the atonement shall not have done a single goddamned thing, but God hath spoken it, and he never lieth, therefore we are stuck with this system.

18) But behold, the righteous, the saints of the Holy One of Israel, they who have believed despite all odds, they who are persecuted and hated because they harmlessly think gays are lesser humans, they shall inherit the kingdom of God, and their joy shall be full forever.

19) O the greatness of the mercy of our God, the Holy One of Israel! For he delivereth his favorite people from that awful monster the devil, and from death and hell, and that lake of fire and brimstone, all of which God created in the first place!

20) O how great the holeyness of our God! For he knoweth all things, if ye know what I mean, and there is not anything save he knows it. He-he. Moving on...

21) And he cometh into the world that he may show unto us that notwithstanding his salvation doth insufficiently compensate for the damnation that he hath already made universal, yet he is willing to suffer all the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children, yea, even both three, and he doeth it just so we know he understandeth how it feels.

22) And he suffereth all vaginal discharges, nothwithstanding he doth not have a vagina.

23) And he commandeth all men that they must count to five, and do three cartwheels, wearing a polka-dot shirt, or they cannot be saved in the kingdom of God.

24) I do not make the rules. I only teach them.

25) For he hath given a law, and where there is no law given there is no punishment; and where there is no punishment there is no condemnation; and where there is no condemnation there is no eternal torment, and the mercies of the Holy One of Israel have claim upon them, for they are delivered by the power of him.

26) Wait, hold on.  No law... no punishment... no condemnation... delivered by Christ. Wait wait wait, that can't be right, let me try this again.  No law... no punishment... no condemnation... Well then! All those who don't receive the law, who never learn about Christianity or Mormonism or the Bible, the atonement covers them. They have a one-way ticket to heaven!

27) Therefore, wo unto him that has the law given unto him, yea, it sucketh to be him, for awful is his state! Behold, thou, O reader, hast already gotten too far in this book to claim this exemption. There is no going back now.

28) O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they proselyte and write books explaining God's law they think they are wise, for they think they are helping others, but in truth their wisdom is foolishness, and it profiteth their listeners not, for learning the laws of God doth cause many to perish!

29) But to be ignorant of God's law is a blessing, for it guarantees salvation.

30) Wo unto the rich, for they are all greedy bastards. Every. Last. One.

31) And wo unto the deaf, for they do not listen to a word I say.

32) Wo unto the blind, for they will not look at church-approved history, and they shall perish also.

33) Wo unto the uncircumcised of heart, for that space under the extra tissue will breed bacteria, which shall give them heart disease, and it shall smite them at the last day.

34) Wo unto the liar, for he shall be murdered whilst leaping from a window.

35) Wo unto the murderer who deliberately killeth... Except you, Nephi, you're totally cool.

36) Wo unto them who commit whoredoms, for they shall be thrust down to hell, along with all their whores. Don't think too hard on it. Sucks to be them.

37) Wo unto those that worship idols. Don't ask why. It is the deeper meaning that mattereth.

38) And, in general, wo unto all those who die in their sins; for there is no repentance in spirit prison.

39) O, my beloved brethen, stop thinking about verse 36! I know I spoke many words that sound like innuendos there, and that condemning whoremongers to an eternal orgy doesn't sound like much of a punishment, but remember, to be carnally-minded is death, and to be spiritually-minded is life eternal.

40) I know the whoremongers will live forever too! That is not the point! There is more to life than licking and fingering privates! Do not say that I have spoken hard things against you. Stop that snickering! I know my words have a double-meaning. Nephi, get control over your son! Besides, I think his hand is inside my daughter's jeans.

41) All you kids ever think about is foreplay and sex and petting and necking and levi loving. Why do ye keep thinking about these things? I'm trying to send you down the straight and narrow path, which keepeth the range of thine experiences in life small, that ye might die without knowing how it feels to be human, that ye might enter into your salvation.

42) But nooooooo. All ye want to do is fool around with your clothes off. Know ye not that I listed a bunch of other sins as well?  Fucking teenagers...

43) Okay! That's it! Laugh all ye like, but the sacred things in the endowment ceremony shall be hid from you forever - yea, even that magical protection which is prepared for all who are willing to put on the sacred undergarments.

44) Don't believe in magical underwear? Watch this! Behold, I am taking off my garments, and I shake them before you; I pray the God of my salvation that ye view my scrotum with your all-searching eyes! None of you are laughing now! Wherefore, ye shall know when the lightning doth strike me with brightness before you that I spoke the truth, and the iniquity shall be on your heads.

45) Come on, take off your clothes too if ye are all so horny. Let's see how big your cocks are. Show me your cunts! Let's all get a good look at each other!

46) No? What are ye afraid of? That I shall judge you because your dicks do shrink with awful fear, because ye remember your imperfections? Doth your inner labia protrude from your outer labia? Are ye embarrassed because ye have yeast infections, or crabs, or the clap?

47) Behold, my nieces and nephews, is it expedient that I should awake you to the awful reality of these things? Would I harrow up your souls if your minds were pure? Would I stand here without the protection of my holy underclothing, expecting to be struck down by some stray meteorite? Any moment now...

48) Behold, if ye weren't a bunch of worldly pricks I would speak unto you of holiness, but as ye don't believe that there's anything wrong with walking around naked, showing off your tits and pussies and shoulders, it must needs be expedient that I teach you the consequences of sin.

49) Any moment now. Seriously.

50) Come, everyone that lusteth, come to the front and eat each other out. Get your milk without buying the cow. I dare you to see what happens to us all just as soon as the wrath of God arrives, which will happen any time.

51) Not gonna do it, huh? Too afraid of the judgments of God? Feast your eyes on this! No, not my fatness. My blasphemy! My temple name is Japheth!

52) Hmm... well, my nieces and nephews, that should have worked. I guess God is not in a destructive mood today. But I have one more idea.

53) Behold, I am putting my garments back on and jumping into this bonfire. Behold my flesh consumeth, and my skin covereth over with boils, and the air doth fill with the scent of singed hair. I shall never blink mine eyes again, but the object lesson shall be invaluable unto you, for behold, I take my garments off again, and ye see that the skin underneath them is not as badly burnt as the skin that was exposed. And behold, this is proof unto you that garments have provided magical protection.

54) And now, my nieces and nephews, I would speak unto you more, but I need to receive some medical attention, and on the morrow I will declare unto you the remainder of my words. Amen.