1) And now I, Nephi, cannot write worth a damn, but take my word for it, I am a great speaker; for when a man speaketh he can use timing and inflection to smooth over his bullshit.
2) But behold, there are many who do not hear my timing and inflections, and harden their hearts against the shitty content; wherefore, they cast many things away which are written and esteem them as things of naught, including the Koran and the Bhagavad Gita.
3) But I, Nephi, esteem this admitted drivel as of great worth unto my people. For I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that He will hear my cry, though I do not know if He will do anything about it.
4) In fact, I know that He will not, for I have already received the prophecy that my people will be utterly destroyed. But this book shall help a little, for it persuadeth them to believe in a man that won't be born for another six hundred years.
5) And it speaketh harshly against outsiders, in almost every chapter, according to the plainness of the truth; wherefore, no man will be angry at the words which I have written save he shall belong to a different faith system.
6) I glory in plainness; I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for He hath allowed me to be born into the correct religion right out of the gate.
7) I have charity for my people, and I have pity for everyone else, for they have the spirit of the devil and are going to hell.
8) I have charity for the Jew - I say Jew, because I keep forgetting that my people are Jewish. Silly me.
9) I also have charity for the Gentiles, but their path to heaven shall be a little more difficult, for they shall have to believe in Christ, be baptized, and endure to the end. I am so glad my people don't have to follow that laundry list of rules!
10) And now, my beloved nieces and nephews, and separately the Jews, and all ye atheists and agnostics in the distant future that shall read parodies of my words in digital formats, hearken unto these words, because it says so right here, and believe in Christ! And if ye believe that Joseph Smith was a charlatan, believe in Christ. And if ye shall believe in Christ ye can believe in Joseph Smith too, for faith is arbitrary, and it typically aligns with cultural upbringing anyway!
11) And if these are not the words of Christ, then they are, for that hypothetical scenario is irrelevant; and you and I shall stand face to face before the judgment bar of God, all seven billion of you, notwithstanding the word judgment bar implies a British courtroom setting and we ancient Jews would have no concept of it, hence it doth not appear in the Bible.
12) And I pray the Father in the name of Christ that all of us may be saved in his kingdom at the great and last day, even though I know that was Satan's plan.
13) And now, my beloved brethren, all those who are of the house of Israel, and all ye ends of the earth, I speak unto you as the voice of one who can not seem to ever get to the point: Farewell, for I really, truly, sincerely plan on finishing my words this time.
14) And to you that will prefer reading satirical mockery over the real thing, behold, I bid you godspeed to an eternity in hell, for these words shall condemn you at the last day.
15) For I see it fitting that my last words should be exceedingly judgmental, arrogant, and self-righteous, you worthless, faithless assholes. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment