Mosiah, Chapter 2

1) And it came to pass that Mosiah did as his father had commanded him, and made a proclamation throughout all the land, that the people gathered themselves together that they might go up to temple square to hear the words which king Benjamin should speak unto them.

2) And there were a great number, yea, even so many that future anthropologists from the Lord's University shall lament the fact that they cannot find them.

3) And the people slaughtered and burnt a bunch of sheep for no reason other than tradition, and verily they did hate it every time there was a gathering and they had to do that.

4) But they were taught that it was to give thanks unto to the Lord their God, who had delivered them out of the hands of their enemies, and who had appointed a good and a just and a benevolent man to be their their king, via the mechanism of dynastic inheritance, and it was this king who had taught them to think this way.

5) And it came to pass that when they came up to the temple, they pitched their tents round about, every man according to his family, consisting of his wife, and his sons, and his daughters, and behold everyone who belonged to a traditional family was allowed to come.

6) And they pitched their tents round about the temple, and they did wonder why the king was not holding his conference within the tabernacle, for temples were for ordinances, not assemblies. Nevertheless they did not question, for all that mattered to them was the gospel according to the current prophet.

7) And the multitude was so great that king Benjamin could not teach them all within the walls of the temple, for the endowment room was only large enough to accommodate a session of 30, and despite being their king, he did not realize how many of them there were, and had utterly failed to do any advance planning.

8) And it came to pass that he had a tower erected, and that took a couple of days to work out, but his people waited patiently in their tents. And when it was completed he realized that most of them still could not hear him, for he was a feeble old man. Therefore he caused that his words should be written, such that the people in the back would have waited all that time for nothing, for they could have just stayed at home and read it.

9) And these are the words which he spake and caused to be written, saying: My brethren, or at least all ye that are close enough to hear me, and who did not leave while we were constructing this tower, and those in the back who in the future are reading the various copies that shall be etched laboriously on numerous sets of plates, one at a time, I would that ye should hearken unto me, for if I say that, perhaps it will not go in one ear and out the other.

10) I would not that ye should think I am perfect, or at least a little better than your average mortal man.

11) But I am like yourselves. I make mistakes, and even if ye can not think of any, nor dare ye speak them for fear of not being considered one who sustains the prophet, nevertheless it is a good excuse that ye can use whenever someone claims to have found information that makes me look bad.

12) I say unto you that as I have been a general authority for all these years, I have not sought gold nor silver nor any manner of riches from you. Nevertheless I have earned a modest living stipend of only $120,000 per year.

13) I have not confined you in dungeons, or enslaved you, or murdered, or plundered, or raped your children. All I have required is that ye give me 10% of your gross income. Is that so much to ask?

14) Yea, even I, myself, have labored with mine own hands for my support, which labor has involved writing talks and holding secret meetings to figure out how to deal with the gay problem, and this that ye should not be laden with taxes, other than the 10% of course, that there should nothing come upon you which was grievous to be borne, that is so long as ye are sufficiently wealthy, for it is not lost on me that a flat tax doth favor the rich.

15) Therefore, even I, my brethren, pay tithing, and since my income comes from tithing in the first place, I just mark it up 10% in the first place, or 11.1% for all ye math whores.

16) Yet, my brethren, I have not said these things that I may boast, but rather I tell you these things that ye may know that I am super righteous, which is different than boasting, that ye might forget about all those little imperfections that I claimed to have but refused to go into any detail on.

17) And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom, that ye may learn that when ye think and act like me, ye are right in the eyes of God.

18) Behold, ye have called me your prophet, and if that's true, and I get paid just a tiny modest living stipend of $120,000 on top of all my benefits, paid travel, college tuition for children, and pre-existing wealth, plus a signing bonus to clear my debts that I will neither confirm nor deny is a thing, then ought ye not to labor for free?

19) And behold also, if I, whom ye call your prophet, have given up my career that I may do this job full time for the rest of my life, O how ye ought to perform the same ecclesiastical labor without any pay and still try to work at your full time job!

20) I say unto you, my brethren, that if ye should be given ten apples, then ye should rejoice, for God hath given you everything, and if not for God ye would have had nothing, even if ye had worked your entire life balancing your career and church and family!

21) I say unto you that even if ye should give all ten apples back to God, and therefore die of starvation, writhing in agony as your body literally consumes its own organs, yet ye would be unprofitable servants.

22) But all that he requires is that you give one apple back. And even if ten is the bare minimum required to keep you and your children from dying of starvation, see the previous verse. Behold, God never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep this commandment by giving him your apple (by giving it to me), he will bless and prosper you. At least I hope he will, because your ward may or may not.

23) And now, in the first place he hath created you, and granted unto you your lives, for which ye are indebted to him, even if with that life he hath also given you cystic fibrosis.

24) Secondly, he requires you to cough up your money, for which he doth bless you in intangible ways; and therefore hath paid you back. But then that means ye are indebted to him again, and must pay him again (through me), and so forth forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?

25) And now I ask, can ye say aught of yourselves? I answer you, Nay. Ye cannot say that ye are even as much as the dust of the earth, but even the dust of the earth is exempt from tithing, so ye are lower still.

26) But I'm pretty cool.

27) That's why I caused that ye should assemble yourselves together, that I might be found blameless, and that your blood should not come upon me when I shall stand to be judged of God of the things whereof he hath commanded me concerning you.

28) I say unto you that I have caused that ye should assemble yourselves together that I might rid my garments of your blood, that I might die in peace and join the choirs in heaven above. It hath nothing to do with my love for you or a desire to help you out. It was for purely selfish reasons.

29) That and to tell you that my son Mosiah is your new king. He's your new king now. That was actually the main reason for this whole thing.

30) For even at this time my whole frame doth tremble exceedingly, for I am really fucking old, and after amassing so much tithing over the years I really want a chance to sit back and enjoy it a little.

31) And now, my people, I would that ye should do as ye have hitherto done. Keep giving me one apple even if ye only have ten to your name, and I will consult the Lord to determine the best use of it. And now, if ye shall have an hundred apples, then ye can subsist on ten, glut yourselves on another ten, give me ten, and consider the remaining 70 a blessing for your faithfulness. See? Being rich is good.

32) But, O my people, beware lest there shall arise contentions among you, for some shall try to differentiate net income from gross income, and others still shall choose a more traditional definition of tithing based on increase instead of income.

33) Behold, there is a very special wo pronounced upon him who listeth to steal from the Lord, and though ye shall declare yourselves full tithe payers using net income alone, and get away with it, yet ye shall die in your sins. Yea, the same receiveth but a little profit, and receiveth for these wages an everlasting punishment of fire, according to that verse in Malachi.

34) I say unto you, that there are not any among you, except it be your nursery children, that have not been taught concerning these things, and if ye can't handle it, then God shall ask you to render to him all that ye have and are, and he shall lay down the law of consecration upon you. What do ye think about that, mother-fuckers?

35) Just think of it as fire insurance. Ye would pay to protect your property from accidental loss or damage, so why not pay a little extra just to be sure you and your children don't burn forever and ever in an everlasting pit of fire and wo? Although, of course, if you only have ten apples then you can't afford homeowner's insurance, or any kind of insurance, but definitely still pay your tithing!

36) And now, I say unto you, my brethren, that after ye have known and have been taught all these things, if ye should still bitch and moan about my tiny-ass living stipend, or the multi-billion dollar shopping mall across the street from my residence, then ye do withdraw yourselves from the Spirit of the Lord, that your temple recommend may be revoked, and then ye shall no longer have access to the peace and blessings and salvation that come from serving in the house of the Lord.

37) I say unto you, that the man that faileth to sustain the prophet, the same cometh out in open rebellion against God; therefore he listeth to obey the evil spirit, and becometh an enemy to all righteousness; therefore the Lord has no place in him, for he dwelleth not in unholy temples.

38) Never mind that the Law of Common Consent was originally designed in the first place to see if there were any dissenting opinions. Today dissent is tantamount to contention, and he who hath the spirit of contention is an enemy to God, and the demands of divine justice do fill his breasts with guilt, and not just guilt, but pain, and anguish, which is like an unquenchable fire, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever, yea, even past the moon, and the Andromeda galaxy, towards the ever-expanding edge of the universe itself.

39) And thus I say unto you, there is no room for dissent in this church. Just raise your hand if you are in favor, and if not, then for God's sake keep your damn mouth shut.

40) O, all ye old men, and also young men, and you little children who can understand my words, and perhaps even some of you women, I have spoken plainly that ye might understand that I am the one that makes all the financial decisions regarding the money of this church. If ye do not understand, then I pray that ye should awake to a remembrance of the awful situation of those that have fallen into transgression.

41) And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the first law of heaven, which is obedience, blind and absolute. For behold, those that do follow this law are blessed in all things, both spiritual and with regards to temporal things like wealth; and if they cannot make ends meet, and are being crushed with overwhelming debt, and don't know how they're going to get through the next day much less the next year, then it therefore follows that they were not faithful to begin with, and thus the sin is upon them, which means they more than anybody better make damn sure that they give me ten percent if they want to be able to get by. Then and only then, IF they have anything left afterwards, then they can use that to feed their children. Oh remember, remember that these things are true, for the Lord God hath spoken it.