2 Nephi, Chapter 25

1) Now I, Nephi, do speak somewhat concerning the words which I have written, which have been spoken by the mouth of Isaiah. For behold, Isaiah spake many things which were hard for many people to understand; for they know not that when Jews say one thing, they actually mean another.

2) For I, Nephi, have not taught my people many things concerning the manner of the Jews, notwithstanding I went to all that effort to get the plates for that very purpose.

3) But at least ye now know why no Jewish artifacts have ever been found in the Americas. Boom, critics!

4) Wherefore, hearken, O ye idiots; for the words of Isaiah are not plain unto you, but they are plain unto all those that are filled with the spirit of prophecy, and therefore they are plain unto me. So, I shall dumb it down for you, because my soul delighteth in plainness. Why else do you think I married that woman?

5) Yea, and my soul delighteth in the words of Isaiah, for I came out of Jerusalem, therefore I understand the Jews in a way that none of you wilderness bastards ever will, and even all the Jews who have been kidnapped and sold into slavery by the Babylonians understand Isaiah, but you nincompoops don't have a fucking clue.

6) Behold, I, Nephi, do know how to tailor a message to my audience, although I alone know all about Damascus and Samaria and Remalamadingdong. Do ye want to know what Isaiah meant about everything? ...There. I just explained it all unto you, but I have conveniently chosen not to write any of it down.

7) Now I proceed with mine own prophecy, and I am going to make it so plain and simple that none of you fucktards can possibly misunderstand (just like Isaiah's prophecies).

8) Now listen up. This is a super important prophecy, and if any of you agree with Mark Twain that it is nothing but chloroform in print, I am going to speak particularly unto you. That is to say, I am not going to speak unto you at all, for this book is only for my descendants. I know they will understand what I am about to say.

9) Here it goes, but let me first distract you from my point by changing the subject again, for it is very hard to come up with a super cool earth-shattering prophecy on the spot when you're trying to dictate.

10) Um... my people... who are reading... listen to my prophecy, for it is a really great prophecy, and whenever I make a prophecy it always comes true. Remember that last one about the Jews in Jerusalem being carried away captive into Babylon? Yeah, that happened, and it is evidenced by my father's revelation in a dream that said that it happened.

11) And now, I shall go ahead and give you my prophecy. The Jews will return again, and possess the land of Jerusalem; wherefore, there shall have been no reason for us to circumnavigate the earth. But we're still not going back.

12) And the Jews shall have wars. Yes, that's right. Wars. And they shall get their asses handed unto them by the Greek and the Romans. Never mind. I better leave that part out. Jesus! Yes, Jesus shall come among them. Cool prophecy, huh? And they shall reject Jesus and turn his following into the world's largest religion.

13) Behold, they shall crucify him, with some help from the Romans, and put him in a tomb, and after three days he shall rise again. Oh God, yes! My soul delighteth to make prophecies like this! It is so easy! Behold, I have seen Jesus, and I have seen his day, and no, I shall not give you any details about his life aside from those that are already recorded in the gospels. That would be a waste of space!

14) And behold, after Christ shall go away Jerusalem shall be destroyed again, by the Muslims, and then by the Catholics, because Jesus hates the Jews. Wo unto them whose ancestors murdered the Lord!

15) Wherefore, the Jews shall be scattered across Europe and Asia, but not by Babylon, because Babylon will not exist any more in those days. Just by the other nations and stuff.

16) And their numbers shall be slashed by the holocaust, which shall be God's doing. That's what you get when you piss off the big guy, who actually said that the Jews will only be destroyed because of their iniquity. The Mormons could not take back those words if they tried. Yea, those fucking Jews shall think twice before they try to crucify the holy one of Israel again!

17) And the Lord will restore his one true church on the earth in his favorite country, and behold it shall be totally awesome and businesslike.

18) And they shall bring the Bible and the Book of Mormon unto the Jews, which words shall judge them at the last day, for they shall be given for the purpose of convincing them of the true Messiah, who was rejected by them; and unto the convincing of them that their religion is stupid, and they need not look forward any more for a Messiah who never cometh. How long before they wake up? A thousand years? Two thousand? Earth to Jews!

19) There is only one Messiah, and his name shall be Jesus H. Christ, and he shall come on April 6th in the year 1 AD. This is according to the words of the prophets, which shall not be written down, and which shall be forgotten, for people do tend to forget specific details such as this and remember only vague and ambiguous references. This is why we need prophets.

20) So, how about that for plainness? This is all true, just as certainly as the Earth was covered by a global flood, and all the millions of species were crammed into a wooden vessel, and then swam back to their respective continents, and that a whole host of people were healed by looking at a little stick. Yeah, just as certainly as all these facts are factually factual, so is Christianity true.

21) At least Joseph Smith's particular brand. The rest are lost in a state of darkness and confusion.

22) Wherefore, these words that I am writing right now shall go forth from generation to generation as long as the earth shall stand; and the nations who shall possess them shall be judged of them. Watch out.

23) For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children and our brethren not to believe in any of the wrong Christian sects, for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do. See what I did there?

24) And notwithstanding we are ancient Jews who believe in Christ, we keep the law of Moses, for I, Nephi, did teach my children the things of the Jews after all.

25) Ye didn't think I would just let them abandon our religious and cultural heritage, did you? Yea, but even though we accept Christ, we do still stone harlots, and brides who aren't virgins, and people who serve other gods, and disobedient children, and witches and wizards, and Sabbath-breakers, and potty-mouths, all until their brains do begin to hemorrhage, and in agony they die. For thus doth the law of Moses command us to do unto them.

26) And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we kill all these people in this brutal manner according to the will of Christ, for he hath not yet decided to become a god of compassion.

27) Wherefore, we teach our children to be obedient unto the law of Moses, that they may know the deadness of the law. Yea, what reminds you of death better than watching your own daughter howl in agony as her body is broken by the blunt force trauma of a hundred heavy impacts, blood streaming down her deformed face as it covers her legs and torso? And she begs you for mercy as she struggles for breath, holding her weak body above the ground. Daddy! Daddy! Don't let them hurt me anymore! And she is silenced as another stone strikes her face, dislocating her jaw. And another snaps her tibia, and she falls to the earth. And as the hot tears stream down your face you grab the heaviest stone you can find, and you drag it to your little girl's frail body, quivering upon the ground, and you lift it up, and you smash her head like a rotten pumpkin, and this you do because you cannot bear the thought of her having to endure any more pain.

28) And all because she did not scream loud enough when she was being raped. Yea, we did not understand why this in particular was part of the Law of Moses, but it is a good law, for who wants a daughter who has been violated anyway?

29) And now behold, I say unto you that the right way is to believe in Christ, and deny him not, and remember the look on your daughter's face before you crushed it with the boulder, that ye might remember that the same punishment goes for any who worship other gods. Therefore, ye will bow down and worship Christ with all your might, mind, and strength, whether ye believe in him or not.

30) And, inasmuch as it shall be expedient, ye must be obedient and keep these performances, which are right there in the Old Testament for anyone to read, at least for the next six-hundred years or so.