Monday, February 1, 2016

Jacob, Chapter 2

1) The words which Jacob, the brother of Nephi, the only Jacob mentioned in this entire book, spake unto the people of Nephi, after the death of Nephi:

2) Now, my beloved brethren, I, Jacob, being the senior man now, come up into the temple this day that I might preach the new gospel unto you. And when I say senior man I am of course excluding Sam, my older brother, for the last mention of him was thirty chapters ago, and we have all forgotten that he and his children still exist.

3) And ye yourselves know that I have hitherto been diligent in leading you into mischief behind Nephi's back, but I this day am pleased to say we no longer have to worry about that self-righteous dick looking over our shoulders.

4) For behold, notwithstanding Nephi prophesied that we would be the righteous group, we do have our free agency, do we not? Therefore we can choose to be wicked, and thus unfulfill God's own prophecy.

5) For behold, ye were taught that we were made by an all-powerful and all-knowing Creator, who knoweth the end from the beginning, and can tell all things that should come to pass. Therefore our existence was fashioned by Him at the moment of our creation, and must henceforth follow one inevitable series of events, for if it is already known then it is already scripted.

6) Yea, it grieveth me to do this, but in order to disprove this God all I have to do is use my free agency to undo one of His prophesies. Therefore, I take these golden plates and melt them down and scatter the droplets into the ocean. Let's see Joseph Smith try to find them in his hill now! Free agency for the win!

7) Well, now that the entire course of history hath been changed, let me talk about this money digging and polygamy stuff ye are all getting into. Now it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this topic in front of your wives, yea, even all your second and third wives.

8) And it supposeth me that all these women did agree to marry you in the first place, so there is no sense in pretending that my words do not apply equally unto them, but I shall choose to address just the men for now.

9) Wherefore, it burdeneth my soul that I should be constrained to ignore and disregard the women's role in this, but I can not bear to be part of a delicate plot pierced by many holes.

10) So, notwithstanding the greatness of the task, I shall go ahead and stall for a few verses, and after I have stalled sufficiently, then I shall speak about gold digging, and after I have finished with that topic, I shall get to the part ye all are really waiting for.

11) Wherefore, I must tell you the truth according to the plainness of the word of reason. For behold, as I inquired to myself, thus came the answer unto my brain, saying: Jacob, get thou up into the temple on the morrow, and stall, and after thou hast finished stalling, talk about gold digging, and then afterwards ye can address that other topic.

12) And now behold, my brethren, I have finished stalling, so let us talk about gold digging. I do not understand why it is such a big deal. Let me explain:

13) Ye have obtained much gold; and because some of you have obtained more abundantly than that of your brethren ye are lifted up in the pride of your hearts, and wear turtlenecks and high heels, because of the costliness of your apparel. But, if so many of you are prospecting, then the demand for apparel must greatly exceed the supply, so the price must be astronomical. Therefore the richest ones among you are the tailors. Can't ye see it? And that is not even getting into farming, carpentry, and manufacturing.

14) And now, my brethren, the value of a single sheep must be greater than a pound of gold. Not that sheep exist here at this time, but I must stay internally consistent. And because it is easier to raise a sheep than to prospect a pound of gold, then obviously even the shepherd will be wealthier than the miner, for there is an overabundance of gold among us.

15) There are only a hundred of us. Two hundred tops. The economic effects of our actions should be painfully obvious all around us. I don't get it. It's like I'm living in a make-believe world!

16) Ye could mine ten thousand pounds of gold and ye would give it all away to let the farmer put some dinner on your table. And the funny thing is, the farmer might not even accept that trade, for what is gold to him? It just covers up perfectly fertile soil.

17) Think about realistic problems before ye write them in your holy book. Do not let the uneducated amateur do it, for he is familiar with nothing, and probably has too many financial problems of his own to understand basic economics.

18) Therefore, before ye seek for riches, seek ye an education.

19) And after ye have obtained an education ye shall obtain riches, for ye shall understand economics, and shall possess a useful trade, and shall no longer be a fucking idiot like the guy who came up with this book.

20) Besides, the translation shall occur after Joseph Smith shall have already had a falling out with the money diggers, and he shall have already turned this into a semi-religious venture, so everything maketh perfect sense in that context. What say ye of it?

21) Do ye suppose that he would have criticized his own career while he was still practicing it? Do ye not suppose that Moroni could have given Joseph the plates a few years earlier so that he might have read this part and learned his lesson while it still may have done some good? Why did Joseph Smith have to learn all the lessons before he could translate them?

22) And now I make an end of speaking unto you concerning this problem. And were it not that this book were full of similar problems, ye might be able to gloss over it and keep your testimony.

23) But alas, there is still a grosser issue. For behold, the women do begin to wax their nethers; and the men follow the scriptures by taking multiple women, while not allowing the women to simultaneously take multiple men.

24) Behold, David and Solomon truly had many wives and whores, which thing was perfectly justifiable before the Lord according to D&C 132:38, but until Joseph Smith shall reveal that it is justifiable, then it shall be an abomination.

25) Wherefore, I, Jacob, have come with this people out of the land of Jerusalem, and after fifty-five years our numbers have grown to a hundred, two hundred tops, therefore our population cannot support such a system.

26) It is already nonviable in the long term for larger populations, but for such a small group it cannot even survive for a short period. More than half our men will be left out, and they have nowhere else to go.

27) Wherefore, my brethren, hear me, for I will tell you the obvious solution: For there shall not any man among you have more than one wife unless ye should also allow your wives to have more than one husband.

28) For I, Jacob, delight in equal rights for women. I'm not a misogynist who thinketh they are like unto a commodity, that they are incapable of making their own marriage decisions and are not worthy of being addressed directly in a discourse that is as much about them as it is about the men.

29) Goddamn it! What kind of sexist society would we have created here if that were the case? If ye had been compelling multiple women to marry you against their will, then I would have instead addressed your ambivalent sexism and chauvinistic tyranny! I would never have told you to use your masculine authority to protect their feminine fragility.

30) If ye will engage in free love equally between the sexes, that is fine. Just do not behave like misogynistic bastards, for Christ's sake.

31) Behold, I have seen the sorrow that pervaded under Nephi's leadership, and heard the mourning of the daughters of this people because he did not regard you as equal human beings.

32) And I will not suffer you to be addressed in the third person any longer, for ye are all sitting right here in front of me. I will no longer suffer that ye shall be deprived of equal rights with regard to your life choices, or that your stories shall be forgotten to the historical record, O women.

33) For ye are not tender and helpless creatures that can be led away captive by the men, as Nephi might have had you believe. Ye are strong, confident, intelligent, sexy human beings and it's our goddamned privilege to share this planet with you. That is all.

34) And now behold, my brethren and sisters, ye know the Jewish legacy that was given to us by our father, Lehi. Well, fuck it.

35) Behold, ye men have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, but it is only because ye have disregarded the humanity of your wives, and therefore set bad examples before your children, that it should be passed down from generation to generation, and because of your misogyny many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.


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