1) The prophecy of Babylon, whether of its conquest over Judea or its own destruction, Isaiah could not tell, but he asked me to write about it anyway.
2) It would be nice if it were about the conquest over Judea, because that would actually be a legitimate prophecy, and would make it relevant for Nephi to include in his work, since that is what Nephi has been talking about. I am just the scribe. Let's see.
3) I have commanded my sanctified ones... blah, blah, blah... I'm not even going to write this stuff. Let's just wait for the good parts.
4) Ah. Here we go! A tumultuous noise of the kingdoms of nations gathered together to battle... wait, no. Babylon is just one nation, so it is not about the Judean conquest. Sorry Nephi. No such luck this time. I'll keep writing, though.
5) They come from afar to destroy Babylon. That's right. The destruction of Babylon. Not the conquest of Judea.
6) Howl ye, for the Lord of the hand is at day. I'm sorry, is anyone else having trouble paying attention to this? How about I take some creative license and crank it up to eleven?
7) Therefore shall all hands turn to blood, every man's heart shall melt like that dude's face in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
8) And they shall feel pangs of agony as the undead take hold of them, ripping liver and spleen with their bare teeth.
9) Behold, the day cometh that the Lord's wrath shall come upon the sinners, and he shall rip off their fingers, one at a time, and when has finished he shall cauterize the wounds with a blow torch.
10) And then I shall make a billion jock straps, and shall fill each one with BENGAY®, and then shall I, the Lord, apply them to every crotch.
11) And to the women shall I do the same, but with tampons.
12) And I, the Lord, will get in their faces, up and down, and repeat the words "I am not touching you."
13) Therefore, I will shake their newborn babies, and the earth shall remove out of her place, in the wrath of the Lord of Hosts, and in the day of his fierce anger.
14) And billions of plants and animals shall be scattered across the vastness of space, because inertia, and they shall die from ebullisms, and their skin shall swell and their lungs hemorrhage.
15) Every one that is proud shall be thrust through; yea, and their eyes shall be gouged out with an ice pick.
16) Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled and their wives ravished.
17) Behold, I wish I could have changed some of that last verse, but it is as written, and Mormons shall delight in this book.
18) Their bows shall also dash the young men to pieces; and they shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb; their eyes shall not spare children.
19) Doesn't this book bring you closer to Christ?
20) And just in case ye thought I was talking about the calamities preceding the second coming, nope. This is Babylon, and after Babylon is destroyed it shall never be inhabited again, from generation to generation.
21) Except for the Persians. And the Greeks. And the Muslims and the Mongols and the Ottoman Empire and the Iraqis and the US Military. None of them shall live there. Just dragons and satyrs and other make believe shit.
22) And the centaurs shall cry unto the the minotaurs and the hippogriffs, and the sirens and the chimeras and the harpies and the sphinxes shall all unite in songs of woe, complaining that the dragons and the satyrs got to be mentioned in the holy book as real creatures, but they didn't.
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