Wednesday, August 19, 2015

1 Nephi, Chapter 14

1) And it shall come to pass, that if the Gentiles shall hearken unto the missionaries in that day that they shall ride upon bicycles, and knock upon doors, and join in on Family Home Evenings where they do pressure the faithful to invite their neighbors the following week-

2) And harden not their hearts against the discussions and the commitments thereof, they shall be numbered among the body of the church; yea, their information shall be recorded; and it shall remain in the databases forever; they shall be no more free from the captivity of love bombing and awkward visits without a prior phone call.

3) And that great pit, which hath been digged for them by that great and formidable church, which was founded by Joseph Smith, that he might lead away the souls of men down to sacrament meeting - yeah, that great pit which hath been digged for the destruction of half the weekend shall be filled by those who digged it, unto their utter destruction.  No, I don't mean spiritual destruction, like going to hell.  I mean their actual, physical destruction, yea, and there shall remain only a crater where once the meetinghouses stood.

4) And this destruction shall be because of the devil, which is to say because of God, because God punishes the wicked, and he uses the devil, for nothing evil can come from God, except that which he allows the devil to do, and God and the devil are one.

5) And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, Nephi, saying: Thou hast beheld that the Gentiles shall have great motive to accept the discussions, for whoso accepteth them not must perish.

6) And I said, whoah!  So you mean the Gentiles are actually going to die if they don't follow through with the commitments?  Like, dead, finished, blown to tiny little bits, die?

7) And the angel nodded, and said, thus saith the Lamb of God, I will work a great and a marvelous work among the children of men; a work which shall either convince them that being dunked into water is required for entry into heaven, or deliver them unto their stubborn intellectualism and descent into captivity and destruction, yea, physical destruction, meaning bombs shall fall upon their heads, and explode, and their flesh shall be obliterated, and their spleens shall land upon Molly Monson's grill just a few blocks away.

8) And it came to pass that when the angel had spoken these words, he said unto me: Got it?  I said unto him, Yea.

9) And it came to pass that he said unto me: Look!  And I flipped him the bird, but I did look anyway, and I saw another church which is the mother of abominations.

10) And he said unto me: Behold there are save two churches only, us and them.  Wherefore, whosoever belongeth not to the Mormon church, specifically the Brighamite offshoot, belongeth to that great church, which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth.

11) And it came to pass that I looked and beheld Muslims, and Taoists, and Shintoists, and Hindus, and Buddhists, and Catholics, and Protestants, and Jehovah's Witnesses, and Seventh-Day Adventists, and Jews, and Confucianists, and Sikhists, and Zoroastrianists, and Baha'i, and Jainists, and Scientologists, and Atheists, and people with all manner of beliefs, and they did all drop their pants and fuck that great whore right in the ass.

12) And it came to pass that I beheld the Brighamites, and their numbers were in the tens of millions because of their insistence on having many children, and this was proof that they were the one true religion.  Nevertheless their numbers were few by proportion, and this also was proof that they were the one true religion.  And they did refuse to fuck the whore, and they were the only religion upon the face of the Earth that did not have AIDS.

13) And it came to pass that I beheld that the great mother of abominations did gather together multitudes upon the face of all the earth, among all the nations of the Gentiles, to persecute the poor Brighamites.

14) And it came to pass that iNephi beheld the power of the Lamb of God, that it descended upon the covenant people of the Lord, who were in the one true church, and they were armed with white shirts, and ties, and modest dresses that did cover their provocative knees and shoulders, and name tags, and little white handbooks.

15) And it came to pass that I beheld that the wrath of God was poured out upon that great and abominable church, insomuch that there were wards and rumors of wards among all the nations and kindreds of the earth.

16) And as there began to be missions and districts and branches among all the nations which belonged to the mother of abominations, the angel spake unto me, saying: Behold, how filthy is the mother of harlots, for she doth prostitute her cunt, and it is covered in warts, and the warts are covered in pimples which do leak and ooze fluids, and her cunt doth smell of rotting fish, and yeah it is also full of rotting fish, and when she queefeth it doth smell of fart, yea, shit, fart, and piss.

17) And this is the representation I have chosen for everyone who is not a Brighamite, and it is to increase their sense of us-versus-them.

18) And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, saying: Look!

19) And I did not look, and I felt proudly defiant.

20) And the angel said unto me: Behold, the mission president.

21) Behold, he shall give unto the missionaries extra rules that are not contained in the white handbook.

22) And he shall preach of the end of the world, encouraging them to hasten the work in preparation thereof.

23) Wherefore, all of his instructions are just and true; and behold, if any have aught against them, they are encouraged to pray about it until they receiveth confirmation that he was right and they were wrong, and thus morality shall be unto them plain and simple, for life is easy to figure out when the epitome of integrity is perfect obedience.

24) And behold, they shall be required to do many things which thou hast seen, including following a strict hourly schedule, dressing in a particular manner, refraining from listening to unapproved music or reading unapproved books, and even controlling their thoughts.

25) But all the things which thou hast seen thou shalt not write, for they are contained in the white handbook, and it is easily Googled.

26) And also others who have received further instructions from their mission presidents, and have written them in online forums, and many as a result of these instructions have suffered permanent health and psychological problems, and others have died, and they are covered up according to the truth which is in the corporation they serve, which provideth them not with proper professional care.

27) And iNephi heard and bear record, that the name of every missionary was Elder, or Sister, according to individuality which they had lost.

28) And behold, iNephi have written but a small part of the things which I saw, and it doth trigger my PTSD, therefore the things which I have written sufficeth me.

29) And I bear record that many shocking missionary stories can be found upon the Internet.

30) And now I make an end of speaking concerning the missionary program, and if all the things which I saw with mine own eyes are true, then missions are cults.  And thus it is.  Amen.

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