2 Nephi, Chapter 8

1) Hearken unto me, for I am Isaiah, and if ye think ye are sick of me now, just wait until ye see what is coming in four chapters.

2) Look unto my words. Am I Isaiah? Am I the Lord? Ye know not.

3) But it is your job to try to figure it out. I will make the desert bloom like Eden, but the Lord doth not provide evidence of his power, for it is given unto man to walk by faith.

4) Therefore hearken unto me, my people, and give ear unto me, O my nation; yea, listen unto my words, which are also the words of the Lord, and behold that which is written in this book, verily verily.

5) My second coming is near, but not as near as ye might expect.  For two thousand years ye shall wait for me, and trust that I shall return, and enough shall never be enough for you.

6) Lift up your eyes to the heavens, and look upon the evidence that is found within the molecules that decay according to the laws of physics, and ye shall see that this Earth is as old as a T-shirt, yea, even more than four billion years. Ye shall surely die before ye see the end of it.

7) Yea, and if the timeline of the Earth wast compared unto a calendar year, then Jesus Christ came fourteen seconds ago, and thy life is but a fraction of a second. Put that in thy pipe and smoke it.

8) Nevertheless, I God live forever, and my salvation is from generation to generation, including thine ancestors the tiktaaliks, and the cynognathuses.

9) Awake! Awake! For I perceive that I am putting thee to sleep, O my reader! For fuck's sake, dragon's exist. Is that enough to keep thy attention?

10) Art thou not he who hath dried the sea, and hath made the depths of the sea a way for the ransomed to pass over? Or is it I that did those things? Damn perspective discontinuity.

11) I suppose in context it would seem that Isaiah is the perspective, because the Lord dried up the Red Sea for Moses.

12) But I am he that comforteth you, and that doth sound very awkward coming from Isaiah.

13) Forgettest thou the Lord thy maker? Yea, forgettest thou me. Forgettest thou the oppressor? Wait, what oppressor?

14) I am Isaiah, and I am a prophet speaking canon unto thee.

15) But I am the Lord thy God, yea, the Lord of Hosts is my name.

16) And I have put my words in thy mouth, and have manifested myself betimes, but mostly I sit quietly in the back of thy mind.

17) Awake, damn it!

18) Mother always liked you best. She never took me by the hand. She only slapped me and called me blasphemous.

19) These two sons were come unto her, but there was only one son that she could see.

20) Her sons have fainted, save these two, and they vie for control over the same body, as a wild bull in a net. One is full of the fury of the Lord, and the other one is the Lord.

21) Therefore hear now this, thou afflicted, but with dissociative identity disorder, and not with wine:

22) Thus saith thy Lord, the Lord pleadeth the cause of his people, and the Lord has learned to refer to himself in the third person, not to be patronizing, but to prevent all those awkward stares. Nevertheless, the Lord doth let a first person slip from time to time.

23) Wait, what art thou doing? Who called you? I do not want to go with you to your "special place." I am perfectly happy preaching unto this gullible flock of Israelites.

24) No, get this straightjacket off me! Help! Police! I'm being repressed! I am your God, mister, and I can destroy thee for eternity in the twinkling of an eye!

25) They can't keep me contained forever. They think they have me under control, but I shall shake myself from these cords, and loose the bands from my neck, and shall escape from this white-walled windowless prison, and when I do, I am not coming back to the Earth for a second visit. Ever! Wait, nurse, what the hell did you just put into that needle? I resent being injected against my phthwil....