1 Nephi, Chapter 19

1) And it came to pass that the Lord commanded me to make plates of ore, for there was plenty of gold, and silver, and copper just lying around, and it was a high priority for us to start fashioning objects from it.  And upon the plates which I made I did copy the record of my father, which he had already written upon a completely different set of plates.

2) And at the time when I made them I knew not that I should be commanded to make them, notwithstanding I had already been commanded to make them.  Wait.  No.  That was a different set of plates.  I apologize, and I cannot go back for there is no delete button when one is dictating, I mean engraving.  I made two sets of plates, and the first one did contain an account of my father written in the first-person, but I copied it, so it was I who wrote it even though it did sound like it was written by my father.  That is what I meant to say.

3) Then I made a second set of plates, and that is what I am writing upon right now, and I repeated my father's account, but I could not remember all the details, so it was more of a cliff notes version, and that is what you are currently reading, and I do this for the instruction of my people, but since we already have more than 600,000 words in Laban's record, and since I am filling these plates with repeat material and lame apologetics, that doth not make much sense, therefore I know not why I am doing this, except that there is a wise purpose known only unto the Lord.

4) Wherefore, iNephi did make a record upon those other plates, which gives an account of the wars and contentions and destructions of my people, and I did write it all, notwithstanding those events have not yet occurred.  And this have I done... correction, this have I commanded my people that they should do after me, even Mosiah, Alma, Helaman, Third and Fourth Nephi, Mormon, Moroni, all people who have not yet been born, yea, and it is unto me as if it were all already written.

5) And upon this second smaller set of plates, which as thou dost recall is what I am writing upon right now, I write from First Nephi forward through Omni.  This is a second record intended to supplement the first that Joseph Smith shall have lost.

6) Nevertheless, I do not write anything upon these plates save it be of ancient origin, regarding my time and place, and if there be anything that anachronistically hints at the nineteenth century, or doth point to a fraudulent author from that period of time, even so did people of old write anachronisms; okay not that they ever actually did, but because of the weakness which is in me, meaning the inability to come up with a plausible consistent work that any person of intelligence could take seriously, I would excuse myself.

7) For one man's scripture is another man's piece of shit, both of the body and the soul, for while some shall read of these words daily, praying continuously, others shall tear pages away for to wipe their asses.

8) For they shall see anachronisms, such as Jesus shall come in six hundred years from the time my father left Jerusalem, and even the Old Testament shall not contain such a blatant red flag of fraud.

9) And the world shall judge this book to be a thing of naught, and they might as well be spitting upon the baby Jesus, but those with sufficient faith need not rational explanations for anything.

10) And they who shall have faith shall become so caught up in their blindness that they shall sincerely believe that nobody can discredit this book, and out of religious tolerance and civic decency others shall refrain from calling them asinine.

11) For thus shall they say: How can an unlearned boy of seventeen write such a perfect book in such a short amount of time?  Verily it is impossible, and because it is impossible, all of the countless anachronisms must be correct.

12) But what they shall not understand is that this boy shall actually be twenty-and-four years of age, and he shall have the assistance of a very learned man whose name shall be Cowdery, and Cowdery shall have grown up under the tutelage of Ethan Smith who shall have just written a book which contains all the base material necessary for this work, which material is equally as shitty as what thou readest here, only less fraudulent.

13) And verily the rate at which these men together shall write shall be far slower than many of the authors of modern times.

14) And the book that they come up with shall indeed be full of errors, both great and small, most of which shall be edited out in future editions.

15) And the material that remaineth shall nevertheless be shitty, yea, even chloroform in print, as it shall be described by one of the greatest authors of its time.

16) Yea, and even the believers shall realize that it is as if it were a powerful tranquilizer, for those who make it unto the Isaiah chapters shall fall to the Earth, and verily many shall die of boredom, and their bones shall be scattered throughout seminary classrooms across the Earth.

17) And those who remaineth, who have been raised from their youth to believe that there must be something powerful within this book, shall see this destruction of their minds as peace, not boredom, and they shall watch animated videos of Nephi cutting off a helpless man's head, and other videos of Captain Moroni lifting up a man's freshly removed scalp upon the tip of his sword, and they shall arrive at the belief that this book is cool.

18) And verily they shall see that this book speaketh of Jesus, the Lord their Redeemer, who is the coolest of them all, for he did not pussy out when several gallons of blood suddenly emerged from his skin, and nails were pounded into his wrists.

19) Wherefore, I speak unto all who should obtain these things, and should have the misfortune of reading them.

20) Behold, I believe I have felt the spirit, which doth weary me even that I can no longer sit upright or focus on the words, and because I cannot drink coffee I do feel like I am growing old, and my brain is shriveling up, even that I should perish.

21) But it must needs be that I read that which is written daily, for thus hath my leaders instructed me throughout my life, and thus shall I continue to instruct others.

22) For this book hath verily changed my life, and even though I cannot think of how, exactly, it mattereth not.

23) For if I can bear testimony of it with enough fervor, and passion, raising and lowering my tone at select moments, and choking up for the dramatic finish, then perhaps others who are also internally confused about what the hell the big deal is shall feel that they are not alone in their struggle to understand.

24) And because they have someone else with whom they can relate, they are validated, and they in turn validate others, and everyone validateth everyone else, and this validation is reinforced upon the first Sunday of every month, and before long there are millions who do profess the belief that there is something great to be read within these pages.