1 Nephi, Chapter 13

1) And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, saying: Look! And I rolled my eyes, for I had begun to grow sick of that word.

2) And the angel said unto me: What beholdest thou?  And I said: I behold a patronizing angel who doesn't think I know where I'm supposed to look.

3) And he said unto me: Incorrect.  These are the nations and kingdoms of Europe, and only Europe.

4) And it came to pass that I saw among the nations of Europe the formation of a great church.

5) And the angel said unto me: Behold the formation of a church which is most abominable above all other churches, which slayeth the saints of God, yea, and tortureth them and bindeth them down, and yoketh them with a yoke of iron, and bringeth them down into captivity.

6) And I said: Islam?

7) And the angel smote me upon the cheek and exclaimed: No!  Christianity!

8) And I beheld the gold, and the silver, and the silks, and the scarlet letters, and the Egyptian cotton, and the harlots spreading Syphilis and Gonorrhea among all the priests.  And there were also nuns, and cathedrals, and a pope, nevertheless I knew not the name of the church.

9) And they did destroy the saints of God, notwithstanding all their saints were by definition already dead, and because of their lack of critical thinking skills they did kill men of science and reason.

10) And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the Atlantic Ocean, and it divided the Europeans from the seed of my brethren, which was truly fortunate.

11) And it came to pass that the angel said unto me: Behold the wrath of God shall come upon the seed of thy brethren, and they shall no longer live in peace upon this land!

12) And I looked and beheld a man among the Gentiles, who was separated from the seed of my brethren by the many waters; and I beheld the Spirit of peace and exploration, that it came down and wrought upon the man; and he went forth upon the many waters, even unto the seed of my brethren, who were in America.  And his name was Leif Erikson.

13) And I beheld hundreds of years pass away, and then came another whose name was Christopher Columbus, and he was filled with the wrath of God.

14) And I beheld that he did receive generous aid from the seed of my brethren.  Nevertheless, he found that they were ignorant and primitive, and saw fit to enslave them, and did give their women unto his men to rape and torture.  And he did test the sharpness of his swords by cutting them in half, and did throw many into vats of boiling soap, and there were also infants which he did lift from their mother's breast and dash headfirst against the rocks, and he did force others to mine gold for him, and I saw ten thousand who could not supply the minimum quota, and he cut off their hands and tied them around their necks while they bled to death.  And I saw that he sold sex slaves as young as 9, for verily that age was in demand, and any who opposed his actions he did cut off their ear as an example, and if they were truly penitent he did allow them to live.

15) And I saw that superior white people did take possession of the land, and they were beautiful and fair like unto my people before they were slain, not dark and ugly like the natives.  And a day was consecrated among them as a day of remembrance unto Christopher Columbus.

16) And it came to pass that iNephi beheld that the Gentiles had come forth out of actual captivity, for the British Empire had been truly barbaric towards them, and they did humble themselves before the Lord, insomuch that they were blessed with many plantations and slaves to operate them.

17) And I beheld that the British Empire grew jealous, and gathered together 1) by land, and 2) by sea, to battle against them.

18) And I beheld that the power of God was with them, and the wrath of God also, and the power and wrath were as one, mighty in wrath and power, for they did fight with the power and wrath to subdue their enemies.

19) And iNephi beheld that the Gentiles threw thousands of boxes of tea into the ocean, and the British were shocked, and they surrendered.

20) And iNephi beheld that the Gentiles did prosper in the land, except the poor farmers of course, but they all had a book.

21) And the angel said unto me: Knowest thou the name of the book?

22) And I said unto him: I know not.

23) And he said: It's the Bible, you idiot.  Just call it the Bible from now own in your account.  The Gentiles will know what you're talking about.  And I beheld that it had less content than the brass plates, notwithstanding it was over 600,000 words in length, and the plates were chiseled upon a great many heavy metal leaves.  And I suddenly realized how much the brass plates must have weighed, and that my arms had fallen off while carrying them out of the City of Jerusalem.

24) And I did get an itch on my nose, but I realized I could not scratch it.

25) And the angel of the Lord said unto me: Thou hast beheld that the book was written by one single Jew, and it was perfect when he wrote it, according to the truth which is in God, which is to say full of shit.

26) But once that book should fall into the hands of that unnamed church that had convents and cardinals and Eucharist and the like, which is most abominable above all other churches, behold they shall fuck it up.

27) Yea they shall fuck it up royally.  And it shall be so fucked up that the fuckers won't be able to fuck for weeks because their fucking fuck-up shall have fucked with their fucking... okay, I'm lost, but you get the picture.

28) Wherefore, scholars shall find very early original manuscripts and see that the translation is not too far off, but they'll just be fucking with your minds!

29) But because the content is pretty fucking confusing to begin with, an exceedingly great many do stumble, yea, insomuch that they shall come to different conclusions.

30) Nevertheless, even though they all follow false and vain religions, and enslave people from other continents, and tolerate Catholicism, they shall still be favored of the Lord, and the Lord will allow them to refrain from utterly destroying the seed of thy brethren.

31) And he won't suffer that the Gentiles shall destroy the mixture of thy seed either, which are among thy brethren, for iNephi had suddenly remembered that for a few hundred years mine and my brethren's seed should mix and become genetically indistinguishable.

32) Neither will the Lord God suffer that the Gentiles shall forever remain in that awful state of blindness, which thou beholdest means participating in false religions, for while it is expected of men to allow others to worship how, where, or what they may, God himself is not so tolerant.

33) Wherefore saith the Lamb of God: I will be merciful only unto those who choose the right religion, meaning I shall visit all others in terrible judgment.  And God is serious - he's not being satirical about this.

34) And it came to pass that the angel of the Lord spake unto me, which is to say continued speaking unto me, for he had become lost in quotes within quotes and did forget that he had not stopped speaking, saying: Behold, God said: Wherefore, thus saith iGod, after I have commanded my chosen white people to enslave the Native Americans, and slaughter them with the sword, and with their bacteria, all because of the sins of their fathers which they did not commit, and because of Adam's transgression, I'll start to allow them to redefine their cultural and genetic heritage by giving them a book written by a convicted con artist.

35) For behold, saith the Lamb, saith the angel: I will manifest unto thy seed, whoever they are, after they shall be raped and mutilated and tortured and killed, that it shall all be by the gift and power of the Lamb, which is me, just in case you forgot who was talking here.

36) And iNephi could not tell if the natives were given the book I'm writing right now, or some other book, for I did fear some kind of temporal paradox.

37) And the angel said unto me: There shall be no paradox, because God.

38) And it came to pass that I beheld the Bible, and the Gentiles did give it unto the natives for their edification.

39) And I beheld the Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price, and the Ensign, and the New Era, and the Friend, and the Journal of Discourses, and Doctrines of Salvation, and Mormon Doctrine, and The Miracle of Forgiveness, and the more books that were piled upon the Native Americans the more proof they had that those books were true.  And I saw that this logic was sound.

40) And the angel spake unto me, saying: These last four records, which thou hast seen, shall not be doctrinal.  Nevertheless, the others shall make known all the plain and precious things which have been taken away by the Catholic Church during the dark ages, such as the teaching that Jesus is the Savior of the world, and that all men must come unto him or they cannot be saved.

41) And the scriptures shall be brought together into a single quad, and it shall bear the name of the owner in silver print upon the cover, and within shall be several blank pages for writing one's own testimony, and this too shall be considered scripture unto them.

42) And I beheld the greatest revolution in the history of the Earth, yea the most important invention that would forever change humanity, and it was so momentous that no true prophet could possibly have missed it, for it should revolutionize the dissemination of information and shall dispel misconception more thoroughly than any invention theretofore, yeah, even to the providing of the entire body of knowledge of the human race to each person through a handheld mobile device.  And I beheld the Internet, and saw that this plain and precious prophecy shall be taken out by Joseph Smith, only to be replaced nearly two hundred years later by the prophet Zelph, and it shall stand as definitive proof that prophecy is real.