2 Nephi, Chapter 3

1) And now I speak unto you, Joseph, the one with my favorite name. Thou wast born in the wilderness of mine afflictions; yea, in the days of my greatest sorrow did thy mother bear thee, nevertheless I was still able to get it up.

2) And may the Lord consecrate also unto thee this superior piece of land for thy security forever, if it so be that ye shall keep the ten commandments, including the one that forbids thee from making sculptures, yea, and if your descendants will refrain from woodcarving they shall find peace and security forever, and shall learn proper usage of ye and thou.

3) And now, Joseph, my last-born, may the Lord bless thee forever, for thy seed shall not utterly be destroyed like unto thy brother Nephi, notwithstanding they shall mingle and live together as one people.

4) For behold, thou art the fruit of my loins; No, don't give me that disgusted face. You are, and I am a descendant of Joseph. You know, the one with the amazing technicolor dreamcoat.

5) Wherefore, Joseph truly saw our day, and he prophesied the following amazing things that are not recorded in the Bible or anywhere else, for if they were it would have been such an amazingly specific prophecy, con artists all over the world would have self-fulfilled it thousands of times over, again and again, spanning several millenia, and by the time we got to the actual fulfillment in 1829 nobody would have taken it seriously anymore. Therefore, it is meet that this prophecy only be revealed by the prophet of whom it speaks, and that the only parts it gets right are those that happened before the time it is given, for while those parts are set in stone, everything that happens thereafter is dependent on the obedience of his followers.

6) For Joseph with the dreamcoat truly testified, saying: A super-special seer shall the Lord my God raise up, who shall use a peep stone and hat. I shit you not.

7) Yea, he really, actually, truly said: Thus saith the Lord unto me, Joseph with the dreamcoat: A choice seer will I raise up in a few thousand years, and he shall be esteemed highly by the people, yea, they shall love him and not try to assassinate him, and he shall bring them to the knowledge of all the stuff contained in this book, meaning the book that Nephi shall write in the distant future.

8) And I will give unto him a commandment that he shall do none other work, save the work which I shall command him, meaning all of his followers must support him financially so that he doesn't have to farm or anything, for I, God, will make him great in mine eyes, and I do not believe in a lay clergy.

9) And he shall be great like unto Moses, who doth not exist yet, but who shall part the Red Sea and deliver my people unto forty years of tribulation.

10) And Moses will exist. Just saying.

11) But the seer that I will raise up out of the fruit of thy loins... no Joseph with the dreamcoat, do not give me that disgusted face, for I am thy God and did design reproduction to work that way... that seer in the distant future will publish a book, even the Book of Mormon, and he shall also convince people that it is true, for verily they will need much convincing.

12) Wherefore, that seer shall write; and the guy who wrote the Bible shall write, and those two books shall go together unto the confounding of false doctrines and laying down of contentions, and establishing peace among the one church that doth believe in them both, even though there shall continue to be disagreements and contentions between that church and every other church, just like there always has been, for verily it is only the internal peace within a single sect that mattereth.

13) And out of weakness he shall be made strong, in that day when my work shall commence among all my people, again, for the umpteenth time.

14) Seriously, thus prophesied Joseph, saying: Behold, that seer will the Lord bless; and they that seek to destroy him shall be confounded; for he shall be smarter than they are, and he shall always find an explanation for everything they claim against him, and his followers shall believe him. Behold, I am absolutely sure of the fulfilling of this promise.

15) And his name shall be called Joseph Smith; and he shall be junior, and he shall live in Palmyra, New York, and he shall publish the Book of Mormon, yea verily this I say unto you.

16) I am sure of it. Absotively posilutely.

17) And the Lord hath also said: I will raise up a Moses, in the future, and he shall have a special stick, and I will write ten commandments with the finger of mine own hand upon stone tablets, yea, and Aaron shall be his spokesman, and this shall be a future event, oh Joseph with the dreamcoat. Isn't prophecy amazing?

18) And the Lord said unto me: I will also give Joseph Smith a spokesman. Well, not an actual spokesman per se, more of a guy who shall write the writings that Joseph Smith shall speak. Basically the same thing. And this spokesman shall be Oliver Cowdery, and he shall also be a preacher, so suck it.

19) And it shall be written by the fruit of thy loins, for the fruit of thy loins, because of the fruit of thy loins. And it shall be as if the fruit of thy loins had cried unto them from the scrotum.

20) And this prophecy shall be vague and mysterious, albeit remarkably pointed, and shall make the reader feel as though his or her intelligence hath been insulted.

21) Because of their faith many shall find no problem in any of it, and the weakness of these words will I make strong in their faith, unto the remembering that only through feelings can the truth of it be ascertained.

22) And now, behold my son, I saw fit to add one more verse, for it doth seem like this book won't be nearly as long as the Bible as I had hoped.

23) Wherefore, because of this, and not related to it at all, thy seed shall not be destroyed, for they shall live in the Americas for thousands of years, and then they shall hearken unto the words of this book. Not really, but still, the act of becoming Mormon shall literally save their lives. I know, I know, they won't become Mormon, but perhaps a few of them will, so there. Saved.

24) And Joseph Smith shall rise up among them, and shall do much good, and shall have exceeding faith, unto the bringing to pass much restoration, and many dispensation, with exceeding revelation unto very propheting and seering.

25) And now, Joseph, behold, thou art little and canst not understand a fucking word I'm saying, so just listen to your brother Nephi, and he shall take thee to church every Sunday and lead thee in singing primary songs. Amen.