Mosiah, Chapter 3

1) And again my brethren, now that I have your attention, I have somewhat to speak unto you concerning a principle which pertains to the celestial law.

2) And the things which I shall tell you are made known unto me by the authority I have as prophet and spokesman for God on Earth. For an angel said unto me: Awake, and I awoke, and behold he stood before me.

3) And he said unto me: Awake. And I said I am already. You just said that. And he said unto me behold, I am come to declare unto you the true way to love your neighbor.

4) For the Lord hath heard thy prayers, and hath judged of thy worthiness, and hath sent me to declare unto thee a principle which will allow men to be saved for whom there otherwise would be no chance whatsoever.

5) For behold, the wickedness and ignorance of the nations forbid this principle's being in full force, but the time cometh, and is not far distant, when the law of the Lord God Omnipotent who reigneth from all eternity to all eternity, will be in full force, and the sins of this people shall verily be atoned.

6) Yea, suppose ye shall find your brother in bed with your wife, and ye cast a javelin through the hearts of both of them. Ye would be justified, and they would atone for their sins, and be received into the Kingdom of God.

7) And lo, I would at once do so, in such a case; and under such circumstances, for I have no wife whom I love so well that I would not put a javelin through her heart, and I would do it with clean hands. For although Christ should suffer all things, even unto death, there are some sins which his blood, which cometh from every pore, will never wipe out. That's right. Their own blood must atone of it.

8) I shit you not this is how the law of God works, in these very words.

9) And lo, Christ cometh unto his own, that salvation might come unto the children of men through faith on his name; unless of course they have committed a sin that they know will deprive them of that exaltation which they desire, in which case they cannot attain to it without the shedding of their own blood. Is there a man or woman in this house but would say, yeah, shed my blood. I want to be saved and exalted with the gods?

10) Behold, every fucking person would say that, ever.

11) And behold, this is blood atonement, for Christ draweth the line at certain sins, and if, being thus guilty, ye should cross that line, and then die without any part of your blood physically touching the ground, your sin is not covered, and ye shall go speedily to hell.

12) But what types of sins qualify? ye ask. Surely this is reserved only for the worst of rapists and murderers, like, the type of stuff that society in general would accept the death penalty for.

13) I am glad ye asked, for the Lord God hath sent his holy prophet, Brigham Young, to declare these things repeatedly from the pulpit, again and again over the space of many years, that every kindred, nation, and tongue should understand with perfect clarity exactly which types of sins require a blood-soaked carpet in order to be remitted.

14) Yea, even though Jesus saw that his people would commit these sins all the time, he still appointed this law, because he was a pussy, and shrunk that he should not drink from that bitter of a cup.

15) And adultery is one, as I have already mentioned (JoD 4:219). And there is also leaving the church (JoD 4:220), and breaking covenants (JoD 4:49-51), and stealing (JoD 1:108-109), and turning against me (JoD 4:375), and interracial marriage. Yeah, that one requires death on the spot (JoD 10:110). Oh, but not murder. Well, not unless the person you murdered was Joseph Smith (JoD 2:179).

16) And even if they should turn and repent, and lift and serve others for the remainder of their days, they could not be saved. But I say unto you, if they die in a bloodbath, and some of it finds its way to the ground, that should cover it, for the smoke of it rises before the Lord as an incense.

17) And moreover, I say unto you, that there shall be no other law given nor any other means whereby salvation can come unto those children of men, only in and through the love of a close relative willing to slit their throat with a Bowie knife, or run them through the kidney. Both kidneys that is.

18) For behold God judgeth, and his judgment is just, yea, even just as just as a judge judgeth; and the man perisheth who dieth in a hangman's noose, or by Peritonitis, or natural causes.

19) For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the time God's enemies created all sorts of natural things, like pine-covered mountains ranges, cannabis, and heterosexual relationships. But blessed is the man who putteth off natural human development, and becometh as a child, submissive, naive, gullible, and full of an overwhelming desire to write all over the walls with permanent ink.

20) And moreover, I say unto you that the time shall come when God's law of blood atonement shall spread throughout every nation, kindred, tongue, and people, for the prophet hath spoken it.

21) But behold, before that time cometh, the penalties in the temple that reference said doctrine shall be revised to simply state "suffer my life to be taken," for, despite the saving ordinances being unchanging from generation to generation, many shall be offended at the graphic language that shall exist prior to that.

22) I mean really, who wouldn't enjoy swearing to have their body cut open and their bowels gush out? Would they really prefer to just pantomime it?

23) But then, after that, even the pantomimes shall be removed, leaving the horrific origins of the temple ceremony lost forever to the memories of those who are too old to even remember what they had for breakfast that day.

24) Behold, it is so much better now. Rather than swearing to have your throat cut from ear to ear and your tongue torn out by its roots, all you have to do is clasp right hands and place the joint of the thumb directly over the first knuckle of the hand, in this manner, and call it good!

25) Jesus H. Smith. Did I really just say that?

26) Well, it looks like y'all are going to get a practical demonstration, so if you wouldn't mind, dear wife, just grabbing that bronze dagger and stepping up here, I think my smoke needs to be incensed. That's right, now just stick it in right there between the jaw and the collar bone.

27) No, damn it! Put your strength into it! You're just getting blood all over the place. No look, you missed the artery completely. Look, I can stick my finger in there and wiggle it around. Come on, give me a good hard slice. What the hell, woman! That's my adam's apple you're grinding against! Come on! You were never good at anything! You've always failed to obey simple instructions! A third grader could do it, you worthless bitch! Now, if you wouldn't mind pulling your head out of your ass and cutting me hard and ggleep! Gohggh. Gghat wuth a gooogh thwunbbgggi...