Wednesday, November 25, 2015

2 Nephi, Chapter 13

1) For behold, the Lord, the Lord of Hosts, doth take away from Jerusalem, and from Judah, all of their food and water.

2) Yea, my words are not that difficult to comprehend. It is only difficult to understand how they do not paint God as completely evil.

3) I, Isaiah, am telling you, the Lord will take away all the judges and the prophets and the prudent out of Israel, and the elderly, and all the counselors and all the honorable men. Behold, what kind of God taketh away all the honorable men?

4) It is not as confusing as it seems, for ye only hate these chapters because they paint your God in a negative light, and this is difficult to harmonize with your faith.

5) Yea, God will make babies rule over Israel, and the people shall be oppressed, every one by another, and every one by his neighbor. God shall do all this, verily.

6) Hello?

7) In that day ye shall swear that there must be a deeper meaning, for in my words there is neither inspiration nor love, but none of you shall ever find a deeper meaning.

8) For this book is ruined, your shelf is fallen, because the content is woeful, not just the historicity.

9) The language of this book doth witness against it, and it is even homophobic, yea, and it cannot hide it. Wo unto the fags, whose sin is even as Sodom, for they were created by a being who hateth them.

10) He saith unto the straight that it is well with them, for they shall engage in heavy petting, and shall eat each other out in righteousness.

11) But wo unto the fags, for they shall perish; for the reward of their handjobs shall be upon them!

12) Notwithstanding they have tongues and fingers like everybody else.

13) The Lord's judgment maketh no sense. I am trying to tell you.

14) The Lord will enter into covenants with the elderly of his people, and shall make them the prophets and apostles thereof, and they shall eat up the spoil of the poor in the church.

15) What do I mean? They beat my people with harsh doctrine, and grind the faces of the poor, all under the direction of the Lord God of Hosts.

16) Moreover, the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk in judgment of others who do not cover their stretched-forth shoulders. Nevertheless they make wanton eyes at them, walking and mincing as they go, for women are supposed to be dainty and wear lipstick to attract the guys, and they are also supposed to walk.

17) Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion for their femininity, and the Lord will peek at their secret parts.

18) For the Lord always watcheth, yea, even when they pull down their panties to take a shower, he is at the window, and when they masturbate naked upon their beds he is there, for he seeth all, and knoweth the exact shape of their round teats.

19) The chains and the braziers and the muffs.

20) He seeth beneath their bonnets, and their leggings, and their headbands, and knoweth the exact quantity of blood within their tampons.

21) Their second set of earrings and their nose jewels, now that is just offensive. He doth not like those things.

22) But he watcheth them as they change their suits of apparel, and gazeth as they pee.

23) And at judgment day her life shall be shown as if it were a movie, and the Lord shall come wearing 3-D glasses, and every camera angle shall be shown unto him, for he knoweth every part of her clitoral hood, inside and out, and he shall eat popcorn, and shall point out unto her every time she did gain a little too much pleasure out of her shower head, or from her bicycle seat.

24) And it shall come to pass that instead of privacy there shall be exposition; and instead of pleasure there shall be shame; and instead of love, creepiness; burning instead of beauty.

25) Thy men shall have these private viewings as well, which shall be no less awkward.

26) And all the young girls shall lament and mourn, and shall strip desolate as their penance, and shall sit upon the Lord's face.


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