1) Nevertheless, these Isaiah chapters do continue on, much to the reader's chagrin. But behold, if thou flippest forward thou shalt see that there are only six more, including this one.
2) Murmur not, for it could be worse. Thou couldst be reading the Old Testament, in which case there would be hundreds of pages left of this stuff.
3) Therefore, lift up thy head and rejoice, yea, rejoice according to the joy in harvest, and as men rejoice when they divide the spoil, meaning the spoil's legs.
4) For thou hast passed the halfway point. Hooray!
5) Is it not great that I have given unto thee some uplifting verses? Yea, we needed a break from all those violent chapters, for the two ravaging kings, Rezin and Pekah, are already within the city now, and they battle with a confused noise, and our neighbors' garments are rolled in blood, and that man over there doth bleed to death while his wife is being raped in the street,
6) Rejoice! For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder; and his name shall be called, Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.
7) He won't actually be any of those things. That is just what they shall call him.
8) And verily, as I spoke in the past tense, ye must know that I am referring to Maher-shalal-hash-baz, my son, since Immanuel has not yet been born. These are the only two children we are talking about. Remember?
9) And all the people should know that there is no nepotism in the Lord's church, for even though it doth appear that I only speak uplifting words whilst talking about my own child, it is not my fault that the Lord thinketh that he is better than all of you.
10) And he shall sit upon the throne of David, my son, as your king, which is more than Jesus shall ever do,
11) Just as soon as those two other kings over there up and die, which shall happen any moment now.
12) Behold, the Syrians, and Ephraim who teameth up with them, are devouring our people with open mouth. For all this the Lord's mercy is not turned away, but he waiteth just a little bit longer.
13) Behold, the people do run and flee in panic, and are not taking the time to stop and give the Lord a proper four-phased prayer.
14) He hateth that, therefore the Lord doth cause their enemies to cut off their heads, and oh my goodness did that guy have a strong heartbeat!
15) The gerontocracy, that is the head, and the prophet that teacheth lies, he is Joseph Smith.
16) For the leaders of this people cause them to err; and they that are led of them are destroyed.
17) Nevertheless, ye are still expected to follow them, and ye shall be blessed for your obedience, even if ye know they are wrong, for every one of them is a hypocrite and an evildoer, and every mouth speaketh folly, but they are your priesthood leaders, so ye must sustain them, for their word is law.
18) Oh God! That school burneth as the fire, and it devoureth all the children who are inside, and their bodies mount up like the lifting up of smoke!
19) Through the wrath of the Lord of Hosts are your families as the fuel of the fire. Behold, that guy doth drag his entrails behind him even as he attempteth to save the children.
20) And that homeless guy that none of us care about, he is so hungry that he is eating the flesh of him own arm. Now that is some fucked up shit!
21) But behold, those two kings just suddenly up and died, and their armies do begin to retreat. And now I can shift my narrative to preaching about the Assyrian occupation, for the Lord's anger is not turned away, but he holdeth his grudge still.
No comments:
Post a Comment