An account chiseled laboriously by the hand of Mormon upon gold plates so precious and fine that the metallurgy to craft them hadn't yet been invented, taken from a much larger account from my ancestor Nephi whose writing was so extensive his carpal tunnel is legendary to this day.
Wherefore, it is an abridgment of the record of the people of Nephi, and also of the Lamanites - written to the Lamanites, and also unto the Nephites who did intermarry with the Lamanites during the 300 years of peace, but although the genetic difference has all but disappeared, I have always hated the Lamanites, so that is reason enough to keep making the old distinctions. It is also written to Jews and Gentiles, but not to anybody else, for behold, it is written by the spirit of revelation, not to be confused with translation, and was hidden up so that the Gadianton robbers couldn't find it, for behold, its presence will be greatly needed in the woods under a blanket while Joseph Smith translates it using a rock in a hat. And for this purpose I have labored exceedingly, even all my days.
Also a part written by Ether, which is a record of the people of Jared who were scattered when God was a petty and vengeful God, and cursed the world with language barriers, a miracle that required extensive rewiring of the brains of the children of men! And that's to show how great and wonderful things the Lord hath done for His people, and that God hasn't forgotten about the language curse - and also to convince righties and lefties alike that Jesus has appeared to everybody, yes even you, unless of course you're not worthy. And if there are any faults, they are your faults. God hath nothing to do with it.
Did I mention the Mulekites? Damn it all, I forgot to mention the Mulekites!
-Zelph Smith, JUN.
Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and team Edwardians unto whom this work shall come: That we, through supernatural and magical power, have seen the highly unnecessary plates, which contain a record of the millions of people whose bones have vaporized. And we did litter our statement with commas and sentence fragments, and beheld these plates with our spiritual eyes, which is to say that we did not actually see them, but we have received a commandment from God to say that we did, and we have invested our money and reputations into this book, so we're not going to deny any of it. Seriously. If we did then we would be persecuted as frauds in our Victorian society and could never run for public office. If ye think we were supposed to be impartial witnesses, judge ye, for that is definitely not what God is going for.
-Joseph Smith's Co-Author
-Joseph Smith's Investor
-David Whitmer
Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and team Jacobians, unto whom this work shall come, that Joseph Smith Junior, the author and proprietor of this work, has shown us the frock, or the pillowcase, which did contain the plates of which hath been spoken, which he said have the appearance of gold, but which Josiah Stowel insists is merely a green brick, and which others say just contains a box of sand, and as many of the leaves as the said Smith has translated, or revealed by divine inspiration, we did handle in our hands, through the frock, or pillowcase, for we were forbidden to see them; and we also saw the engravings, which Joseph Smith had copied onto normal paper and sent to Charles Anthon, and they have the appearance of ancient work, and don’t make much sense at all, but are really cool. And this we bear record with rare soberness, for we have seen and hefted the frock, or pillowcase, and it was really fucking heavy, and we lie not, so help us God, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
-David Whitmer's Dad
-David Whitmer's Brother
-David Whitmer's Other Brother
-David Whitmer's Sister... psyche! girls don't matter... Another Brother
-That Sister's Husband Though
-Joseph Smith's Dad
-Joseph Smith's Brother
-Joseph Smith's Other Brother
The Prophet Zelph Smith’s own words about the coming forth of the Book of Mormon are:
“One night, after tricking everybody into digging a pool for me by saying there was gold at the bottom, I started thinking of other cons I could pull to get out of work…
“While I was thus plotting, I discovered a light in my room, and it did increase until a ghost appeared at my bedside, floating above my sleeping brothers quietly so as not to wake them.
“He had on a beautiful purplish robe that exposed his voluminous chest, which was chiseled to perfection and as hairless as my butt, and I tried to get a peek underneath his skirt, but all I could see was a little above his ankles. I could discover that he had no other clothing on but his robe, however, for he did verily have an erection the size of the Eerie Canal.
“And he did shine like my farmer’s tan at noon day, and when I first looked directly at him I was afraid that my brothers would wake up, but none of them did, which I thought was suspicious, but the fear soon left me.
“And he said, hey Zelph, and I said what? and he said my name is Nephi, please don’t forget that detail. God wants you to start a church and become this big controversial figure.
“He said he wanted me to dig up some gold plates which revealed that Native Americans are Jewish, and told me they contained the fullness of the everlasting gospel, except of course the priesthood, organization, and saving ordinances;
“Also, that there were some spectacles that God prepared to help translate the book and which would identify me as a seer, but which I wouldn’t actually end up using, neither would I need the breastplate, compass, or the rusted bronze ornamental sword of Laban, though it was important to Moroni that these items be included with the plates for some reason.
“He then told me that if I showed the plates to anyone I should be destroyed, for behold, if anyone actually saw the plates then God’s work would be thwarted forever, for behold... it just would have. Physical evidence sucks. And kills babies. Blind faith is better. And at that moment I spontaneously knew exactly where the plates were hidden.
“So he disappeared, and then he reappeared again and said wait, one more thing.
“He then repeated everything he already said like a broken record and informed me that God was going to torture and murder the whole human race by flesh-eating piranhas. Again. Just so I know. Then he disappeared once more.
“By this time I was wide awake, and began to wonder what a piranha was and what it was like to have one's flesh eaten by one, for behold I knew nothing about the indigenous species of the Americas. But what was my surprise when again he appeared unto me and repeated it all yet another time! This caused me to become very suspicious that I was listening to a recorded message, and not an actual live ghost. What was my surprise, then, when he told me that if I even thought about using the plates to start a church and profit on the extortion of large amounts of money and property from my followers, he would send a mob to murder my fucking ass.
“Those were his exact words. Fucking. Ass.
“So once he disappeared again, the cock crowed, and my brother Hyrum arose and said did you hear something? I just shrugged.
“So I got up and went out to cut grain with my brothers so we could pay off our debts, for we had a new land agent who wasn’t going to let us freeload any more. And my father, who wasn’t actually in the field at that time, saw that there was something wrong with me, and sent me back to my house. On my way I decided to take a nap by the fence.
“But alas, as I lay there, the angel appeared to me again, and I said what are you doing? It's broad daylight! My dad is going to see you! And he said maybe I should let him. After all, you haven't told him about me yet, asshole!
“So when my brother Alvin found me, I immediately told him to go to the house and fetch my father, for that’s where my father actually was. And my father came out of the house and said the spirit was of God and fitted me out with a black cloak, a handkerchief, and a horse with a switch-tail, for thus had the spirit commanded me. And I went to the place where the plates were hid.
“Convenient to the Village of Manchester, New York, lies a hill carved out by glaciers from the last ice age. Pretty close to the top, in plain sight where nobody would ever find them, lay the plates, deposited in a rather conspicuous stone box.
“Having removed the earth from the sides, I obtained a lever and pried off the extremely heavy top, and indeed I saw all those useless objects. And because the plates were made of gold, a heavy yet malleable material, a third portion of it had been fused and sealed into a solid brick from the weight alone, and the rest was nearly illegible.
“I made an attempt to take them out, but was forbidden by a frog, which transformed into an angel and called me bastard and douche bag and beat me three times across the head, which hurt prodigiously, but not as much as it hurt my pride. He then told me, in his infinite wisdom, to come back in one year and bring my brother Alvin.
“But Alvin died. So when I went back the following year the spirit said where's your brother you idiot! When I told him my brother was dead he became angry and informed me that it was my job to find the right person. The following year I brought my neighbor Samuel Lawrence and showed him where the plates were hid, but he tried to organize the neighborhood to steal them, so I told him that I had tricked him and had actually taken him to the wrong spot. He suspected as much, since there wasn't any loose dirt or disturbed rock that I had dug out from my first visit. He figured all that effort would have left behind some kind of evidence.
“Well, shortly after that I met Emma, who gave me the best barn sex I’d had in my life, and that's saying something, so I knew at once she was the right person.
“After we eloped I promised her father I wouldn’t dig for treasure any more, but my family kept pressuring me to get the plates. So one night, on September 22nd at about midnight, I took Emma out and admitted that I’d made everything up. We fucked in the wagon under the stars all night long and she gave birth exactly nine months later, to the day. But then people started spreading rumors that I had found the plates, so I had to reverse-engineer a story that Emma and I, rather than having sex, had actually gotten the record and hid it in a birch log. That was probably a bad idea, because then everyone started asking if you have the plates already, why don't you just bring them home? So I went to the woods, not knowing beforehand what I should do, and after having looked around me and finding myself alone, I knelt down, took off my frock, and began to fill it with white sand. When I got home I told my family the plates were in the frock, but they weren’t allowed to see them lest they be destroyed, and they believed me. So once I arrived in my room I did a fist pump and took Emma in the ass.
“I soon found out why the spirit had told me not to let anyone see the plates, for behold all classes of people started asking to see them. I promised a few friends they’d get a look, but naturally I had to go back on my word. You wouldn't believe how many people ask for evidence before making up their mind about important subjects! I had to invent excuses left and right! Sure, if I had shown anyone the plates they probably would have accepted the evidence and might have cooperated with me in spreading the word of God prepared for our day, but I know somehow that would not have gone over well. Some of them even thought that, since they had dug my pool for free, they were entitled to a share in the profits. I told them to get a job.
“So I translated the Book of Mormon by divine revelation using my old seer stone which I had used to con people, all while the plates lay in the forest, and when the time came the angel took the plates and other objects back, and the church has my seer stone on display to this day.”
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