Words of Mormon

1) And now I, Zelph Smith Jr, being about to publish the record made by the hands of Mormon, behold I have not learned how to construct a proper sentence...

2) And it is many hundred years after the coming of Christ that I write down all these prophecies about the coming of Christ, nevertheless they are magical.

3) And now, I speak somewhat concerning the different sets of plates that have been referenced herein. There are the large plates of Nephi and the small plates of Nephi, the latter having been inserted at the exact place where Martin Harris shall lose the 116 pages, just in case ye missed that detail the first twenty times it was referenced. Oh, but I did not mention the lost 116 pages anywhere in the actual lost 116 pages themselves. That would have been too obvious.

4) And I know that many of the prophecies have been fulfilled; yea, and I also know that as many things as go beyond this day must surely come to pass. And if they do not, it is either because blessings are predicated on obedience to the laws of the gospel, or because some blessings are carried over into the eternities.

5) Wherefore, the remainder of my record I shall take from the large plates of Nephi, which is to say I shall continue taking from the large plates of Nephi, since I just now inserted the small plates without any abridgment whatsoever, and it only took like five seconds.

6) And as for the plates of Lehi, well, I forgot to mention those, but they shall be generally lumped in with the larger plates of Nephi, just to avoid confusion. Nevertheless, apologists shall point out that in the first chapter Nephi said that he had made an abridgment from the record of his father before starting his own work, therefore the large plates of Nephi and the plates of Lehi are one in the same.

7) And in the year of the commencement of the reign of King Benjamin, Lehi finally decided that his book was complete, and Nephi copied it onto the large plates, after which he went back in time over 400 years and began writing his own history.

8) Wherefore, there are really only two records, the large and small plates of Nephi, the latter being for strictly spiritual topics, and the former as a strictly secular history, with a shit ton of spiritual material as well. And behold, if thou hast read this far and art not thoroughly confused yet, thou art not doing it right.

9) And now that that's cleared up, I shall proceed to finish out my record, which is upon the large plates of Nephi, which Nephi conveniently made large enough for a thousand years of record-keeping - and that's the unabridged version.

10) Wherefore, it came to pass that after Amaleki had delivered up the small plates of Nephi into the hands of king Benjamin, he took them and put them with the large plates, which were then lost like in that final scene in Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade.

11) And they were handed down from king Benjamin, generation to generation, until they came to me, and now it's my job to condense it all into a short format. And why doth it need to be condensed? It is because many things which are true are not useful. Like, for instance, all those years where the Nephites rejected Christ and His gospel, and yet prospered anyway. Not important.

12) And now, concerning this king Benjamin - he had a few minor contentions to deal with in his day.

13) The armies of the Lamanites came down to battle, and king Benjamin gathered together his army and fought with Laban's ornamental sword, which was in remarkably good condition despite being as old as Shakespeare.

14) And hundreds of people died horrible gruesome deaths that day, but it wasn't a big deal.

15) And it came to pass that there had been false Christs, and they were punished according to their crimes. And they were spit upon, and beaten, and lifted up on crosses.

16) And after they had been dealt with in such a manner, the real Christ grew anxious and considered changing his plan about visiting America.

17) Many Nephites dissented over to the Lamanites, and who could blame them?

18) And King Benjamin was an holy man, and he did put down anyone who followed a different religion, and with all the free thinkers banished and killed, he did once more establish peace in the land.