1 Nephi, Chapter 8

1) And it came to pass that we had gathered together all manner of seeds of every kind, of grain and fruit that would not be brought to America until the Colombian Exchange, and this because we had plenty of time to farm and harvest in the desert, and because there would not be plants in the promised land.

2) And it came to pass that while my father tarried in the wilderness he spake unto us, saying: Behold, I have dreamed a dream, or, in other words, I have seen images from natural brain activity during REM sleep.

3) And behold, because of the thing which I have seen, I have reason to rejoice in the Lord because of Nephi and also of Sam Harrison; for I have reason to suppose that they shall share my religious beliefs, and also many of their seed shall be brutally exterminated.

4) But behold, Laman and Lemuel, I fear exceedingly because of you, for behold, methought I saw in my dream a dark and dreary wilderness. And behold, I realized that I wasn't dreaming, for that is where we are right now.

5) And it came to pass that I went to sleep again, and I saw a man, and his name was Joseph Smith Sr., and he was dressed in a filthy robe, and it was tattered and torn.

6) And I spake unto him, wilt thou show unto me something that is holy?

7) And it came to pass that he nodded, and stretched forth his shirt. And behold, I did not laugh, for it was truly a bad joke.

8) And after an awkward silence that felt like hours, Joseph Smith Sr. continued, saying: I have dreamed a dream, which is to say I will dream a dream two-thousand-four-hundred-eleven years from now, and I will tell my family frequently of this dream, enough that it shall be recorded in my wife's autobiography more than thirty years later, and it shall be a great and marvelous coincidence that the exact dream shall also appear in this book which is supposed to be of ancient origin.

9) And it came to pass that I beheld a large and spacious field.

10) And it came to pass that I beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy.

11) And it came to pass that I did go forth and taste of the fruit thereof, and I beheld that it was most sweet above all that I ever before tasted. Nevertheless, I beheld that it was black, and when I saw this I spat it out, for I had previously eaten white fruit, and I durst not mix the seed.

12) And I repented of what I had tasted, wherefore, I did spill mine own blood according to the law preached by Brigham Young, but being a dream only, I did not die, and I began to be desirous that my family should be warned against going anywhere near the black fruit.

13) And as I cast my eyes round about, as if I were ashamed, I beheld a river of water, and notwithstanding I did not pay attention to it, I saw that it ran near unto the tree.

14) And I looked and beheld the head thereof a little way off, which meant it must have been spring-fed, and thus was comprised of pure and filtered groundwater, not filthy water that might be construed as representing the depths of hell, and I saw your mother Sariah, and Sam, and Nephi, and they were frolicking in the stream.

15) And I beckoned unto them, saying: stay away from the tree!

16) And it came to pass that they thought I said stay away from the spring, and they did get out of the water, believing it was filthy.

17) And it came to pass that I was desirous that Laman and Lamuel also stay away from the colored fruit, and I did warn them that perhaps they might not impregnate the black undesirables with their saliva.

18) And it came to pass that they heeded me not, and did engage in oral intercourse with the black fruit.

19) And I beheld a rod of iron, and it extended along the bank of the river, and pointed toward the tree by which they stood, and I did tuck it back in.

20) And I also beheld a straight and narrow path, which extended to the rod of iron, and it led up towards my head through a large a spacious chest, as if it had been a happy trail.

21) And I looked up and saw numberless concourses of people pressing forward, wearing brightly colored dresses and white shirts with ties.

22) And it came to pass that they carried their scriptures, and did smile in an unsettling manner, and did each have in their hands a ticket.

23) And there arose music, yea, even a loud song from exceedingly large pipes, and methought I heard the words "High on the Mountain Top."

24) And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward with pickets and signs, proclaiming in loud voices that Joseph Smith had fucked other men's wives and sold his soul to the devil. And they did preach that it was right to cling to one's own iron rod, and that it was wrong to ban blacks from temples.

25) And they stood by the tree, for that was the only place the city officials would allow them to stand.

26) And I also cast mine eyes round about, and beheld, on the other side of North Temple, a great and spacious building, and it stood high on the edge of the hill, and did have upon the roof a garden.

27) And it was filled with people, both old and young, both male and female (for verily it was not Saturday evening), and their manner of dress was exceedingly fine, having just been purchased from City Creek Mall, and they were in the attitude of looking down their noses on the rest of the world. And they did refuse to look at or even acknowledge those who stood by the tree.

28) And when the protesters saw that their actions were futile and only strengthened the persecution complex of those within the great building, they went home.

29) And that's about all my father said about that, but it felt rushed, so I'm going to repeat it all in different words for your sake.

30) To be short in writing, for I don't want to fill these plates with material that doth not matter, my father saw some people standing outside by the tree.

31) And he saw other great multitudes feeling their way towards that great and spacious building.

32) And many were run over by fathers who were late and hastily searching for a parking space, and they did not see the children crossing in front of them.

33) And great was the multitude that did enter that building, and they did act as if they were aloof, and did not realize how much City Creek Mall had cost their church.

34) These were the words of my father.  And the protesters did go home.

35) And Laman and Lemuel partook of the fruit, but the rest of my family would not.

36) And because of this my father was afraid for them, and I decided that the dream did not warrant a third telling.

37) And my father did stage an intervention for my brothers, and we did catch them in the living room that they could not escape, and did bear our testimonies, and did hear their concerns over church history, but we were offended and would not allow them to speak further, for they would not capitulate to our silly explanations.

38) And we did tell them that they only left because they were offended, or wanted to sin, and had lost the spirit because they had ceased to pray and read their scriptures, and had strayed from the core basics, and we did cease speaking to them from that day forward.