2 Nephi, Chapter 28

1) And now, behold, my nieces and nephews, I have spoken unto you according as the Spirit hath constrained me, and it would seem that the spirit did constrain me to recite the words of Isaiah.

2) And the things which shall be written out of the book shall be of especially great worth unto our seed, even though they mostly prophesy about the gentiles in the nineteenth century.

3) But let us not kid ourselves. I am not just talking about some book. I am talking about this book, right here, the one that is being written at this very moment, and I challenge you to find any book that talks so much about itself.

4) And it shall come to pass that our descendants shall live for a thousand years, and then be destroyed. And after they shall be destroyed they shall continue to live upon this land for another thousand and a half years. And I shall not give a rat's ass about any of our children that shall live during that subsequent time period.

5) The history of our people shall not be important until the year eighteen-hundred and twenty-nine, therefore I shall skip over all of it, and I shall instead fill this book with a wealth of information about our children in modern times only, and I shall recount their story from the perspective and knowledge of the white settlers, which shall teach them nothing that they don't already know.

6) After all, it is the white settlers who shall read this book, and I must tailor my message to my audience. Therefore, in order to speak about our descendants I shall prophecy about the American Protestants who shall happen to share this land with our descendants, and I shall go to great length and detail in describing the religious practices of the gentiles and the problems that Joseph Smith shall have regarding them.

7) Fuck the culture and religious practices of our descendants in that day. They shall be so apostate that they shall not even be worth complaining about how apostate they are.

8) Fuck that this book is written for our descendants in that day. I don't even know why God is making me write all this stuff to those heathen ingrates who aren't even worth being described in the book intended for them. I am just Nephi and I am doing my best to keep my dysfunctional family together.

9) So, let us keep talking about those apostate white settlers and how stupid they shall be for not practicing the right form of Christianity, and let us count on the fact that our descendants shall continue to preserve this book from generation to generation for a thousand years until it shall be buried, even though most of the content is irrelevant to them.

10) Baptists, Protestants, Methodists, all those popular American churches, those shall be the bad ones.

11) Yea, they have all gone out of the way; they have all become corrupted.

12) The sun worshipers and dream dancers and human sacrificers... eh. Whatever.

13) It is the mainstream Protestants that matter. They rob the poor because of their fine sanctuaries. They rob the poor because of their fine clothing. They rob the poor because they are puffed up. Nevertheless, they never actually rob the poor.

14) Because they are all so snooty and pompous and hoity-toity, they think they have more money than everybody else! Well, all except for the few humble followers of Christ who happen to be poor, for only the poor understand that our net worth shall be used against us at the judgment bar of God.

15) O the wise, and the educated, and the prosperous that are puffed up with self-esteem, and all those who preach what they believe, and who have sex with loved ones, and are different from me in so many ways, wo, wo wo be unto them, saith the Lord God Almighty, for after they are wo'ed three times they shall be thrust down to hell!

16) Wo unto them who say wo unto me! For behold, my wo's are the true wo's, and their wo's are for a thing of naught, yea, their wo's are of no worth! And the day shall come that they shall suffer wo, and I shall not suffer wo, and then they shall know who has really been wo'ed!

17) But behold, if they should repent and accept my belief that they are the ones who shall suffer wo, then they shall not suffer wo, which is a paradoxical irony that destroyeth all conceivable purpose for what I am writing, nevertheless I continue according to the command of the Lord.

18) Now let us talk about the Catholics. That great and abominable whore of all the earth that spreadeth her legs before all men, she must tumble, and great must be the fall thereof.

19) For the kingdom of the devil must shake, and no I am not speaking about the third part of the host of heaven that followed him in the pre-existence, for I have not yet developed that doctrine. These are the Catholics, here on this Earth. Aw hell, these are all the churches that aren't mine.

20) For behold, they all think that my church is wrong, so fuck all of them. Granted they all think that all the others are wrong as well, but fuck them anyway!

21) For the devil shall lull them into a false sense of security, that they shall say: All is well in Zion. But the only church for which all shall be well shall be that church which teacheth that all is not well!

22) And behold, others shall be atheists, for he telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none - and thus he whispereth in their ears, because God is too busy keeping the supernatural realm mysterious to provide the physical proof that would convince them.

23) Yea, they are grasped with death, and hell; and death, and hell, and the devil; and death, and hell, and the devil, and fire and brimstone; yea, verily, and death, and hell, and the devil, and fire and brimstone, and endless torment.

24) Therefore, wo be unto him that is at ease with his own conscience!

25) Wo be unto him that crieth: All is well!

26) That's why I wrote this book the way I did. That's why I never tell faith promoting stories. That's why I never teach our children that they are part of the greatest generation since the days of Adam.

27) Yea, wo be unto him that saith: We have received, and we need no more! Unless, of course, they are talking about money. Fuck that guy if he is not talking about money!

28) And in fine, wo unto all those who are angry because of the truth of God! For behold, he that is built upon the rock is glad because all is well; and he that is built upon a sandy foundation trembleth because his church preacheth nothing but wo.

29) Wo be unto him that shall say: We have received the Bible, and we need no more outdated mythology, for we have enough!

30) Wo unto him! For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men books and piles and entire libraries of fairy tales; and blessed are those who shall believe in the ones of which I approve; for unto him that receiveth I will give more, and unto him that doth not receive I shall not give.

31) Cursed is he that maketh flesh his arm, whatever it was made of to begin with. Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man. Expect for me of course. Blessed is he that putteth his trust in me.

32) Wo be unto the Gentiles, saith the Lord God of Hosts! But don't worry, oh my nieces and nephews of the people of Nephi within this tent which we call home. That is not you, neither doth it apply to any of you. Only those people in the future. Just remember to write everything down and pass it along from generation to generation for a few thousand years, because some day it shall be very important.