2 Nephi, Chapter 32

1) And now, behold, my beloved brethren, I suppose that ye ponder somewhat in your hearts concerning why I am still speaking after I said I was done. Behold, even though that was only a supposition, I shall proceed to judge you for thinking such a thing anyway.

2) Do ye not remember that I said unto you that after ye had received the Holy Ghost ye could have the spirit as a constant companion? And now, how is this a big deal if ye have already felt the spirit which did cause you to convert to the church in the first place?

3) Mormons speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; and though non-Mormons may speak the words of Christ, they do not feast upon the words of Christ like a boy at Thanksgiving whose eyes are too big for his stomach; for behold, they do not have the Holy Ghost always telling them what things they should do, like the Mormons.

4) Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand why having the gift of the Holy Ghost is such a big deal, it is because ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark as horrible sinners.

5) For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost for yourselves, then ye shall know what I'm talking about.

6) But to be fair, I gave this same speech to Laman and Lemuel who had received the gift of the Holy Ghost when they were eight, our father being prophet and all, and they didn't seem to have a fucking clue, so it is not a universal sentiment.

7) But I, Nephi, cannot speak to any global statistics on the matter; the Spirit conveniently stoppeth mine utterance, and I am left to mourn because none of the future prophets will think to use this bullshit excuse, and shall instead instruct the members to stick to the basics, which are exceedingly plain, even as plain as word can be.

8) And now, my beloved brethren, I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing, for I do not have a fucking clue either, but I know that it is true, for if ye will receive the gift of the Holy Ghost then I suppose ye shall feel the spirit a little more than ye would have otherwise, and God hath made it arbitrarily so, and He hath done it for no apparent reason.

9) But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always to know the answers to the hard questions, and if ye faint ye must start over again; for if ye shall waste a sufficiently significant portion of your time placating God's unyielding vanity, then He shall consecrate thy performance unto thee, which to be honest doth not mean jack shit.