Mosiah, Chapter 7

1) And now, it came to pass that king Mosiah was desirous to know concerning the people who went up to dwell in the land of Lehi-Nephi, or in the city of Lehi-Nephi. I can never keep those straight. And king Mosiah was confused, but they explained that they actually meant the land and/or city of Nephi, not Lehi-Nephi, for it had been a long time since the 116 pages had been lost, and the names and types of locations were very hard to keep straight; therefore, they wearied him with their teasings over his poor memory.

2) And it came to pass that king Mosiah was so desirous about this thing, that he reluctantly granted that sixteen men might go up to Lehi-Nephi, or just Nephi, to inquire concerning their brethren, but only really strong men, for despite being hopelessly outnumbered he figured their physical strength would be more important than diplomatic prowess.

3) For Mosiah knew that diplomacy would not be an issue, for the book of Omni clearly said that the people in Lehi-Nephi had gone there in the days of Mosiah's father, king Benjamin, which wasn't very long ago, and so he certainly selected among them men who would have been recognized by the Lehi-Nephites because they had known them personally before they had left. But also because of their strength.

4) And now, they knew not the course they should travel in the wilderness, for they had lost the Liahona, which would have been helpful, and after only two generations of kings they had completely forgotten the location of a land where many of them had grown up, despite the fact that the Lamanites were close enough to encounter them in both locations; therefore they wandered many days in the wilderness, even forty.

5) And when they had wandered thirty-nine days, for they did not count the current day along with the first, they figured they were pretty close, and pitched their tents.

6) And they slept a night so that on the morrow they might be able to count it as exactly forty, for they knew that nobody would believe them if it wasn't exactly the same as a number that occurred too frequently in the Bible. And their leader, whose name was Ammon, took three other guys and went down into the land of Nephi.

7) And behold, they ran right smack into the king of the people of the land of Nephi, which is to say Lehi-Nephi, and despite being the only other white people those other Nephites had seen in some forty-odd years, they were taken, and were bound, and were committed to prison.

8) And it came to pass that after two days they were brought before the king, and their bands were loosed; and they were permitted to answer his questions. No, scratch that, they were commanded to answer. No, wait, wait, looking ahead I think I really should go with permitted, but seeing as there are no do-overs while dictating a translation with my face buried in a hat, I guess I'll stick with commanded.

9) And the king said unto them: Behold, I am Limhi, the son of Glohin, who was the son of Zeniff, that guy I forgot to mention by name in the Book of Omni, who came up out of the land of Zarahemla to inherit this land, which was the land their fathers had come to from a different land before that.

10) And while it may make little sense for me in context to be informing you of these particular details right now, it works better for the narrative, so tell me, what were a bunch of Nephites like you doing approaching the walls of a Nephite city, hmmm?

11) And now, because neither I nor my guards recognized that ye were the priests of Noah, whom we know very well because we grew up with them up until three years ago, yea, that is the only reason I have not put you to death. Ye are permitted to speak. I mean, um, commanded to speak. Go.

12) And now, when Ammon saw that we was permitted um commanded to speak, he went forth and bowed himself before the king; and rising again he said: O king, I am very thankful before God this day that I am not just commanded, but also permitted to speak to you.

13) As I was trying to tell you when you were having me arrested, and as I have been screaming at the guards for the past two days, we are from the land of Zarahemla, and I am descended from the dude of Zarahemla. I am assured that if this plot had been sound then ye would not have suffered that I should have worn these bands that were removed five verses ago.

14) And now, it came to pass that after Limhi had heard the words of Ammon, he said: Oooooh! I thought you were saying that you were Priests-of-Noah-ahemlah. My bad. Hot damn! I thought ye all were dead!

15) Behold, we are in bondage to the Lamanites, and are taxed without any form of representation. And now, behold, in exchange for coming up with a silly escape plan that involves getting the Lamanites drunk and sneaking out the back gate, I shall straight up give myself and all my subjects to you as slaves, for it is better to be slaves to the Nephites than to give any sort of tribute to fucking blackies.

16) And now, king Limhi commanded his guards that they should no more bind Ammon nor his brethren, for he did fear his guards might take the initiative to slap the chains back on them in reprisal for having just committed the entire kingdom to a lifetime of slavery.

17) And now, it came to pass on the morrow that king Limhi sent a proclamation among all his people, that they should gather themselves to the temple, to do an endowment session and maybe a few initiatories, temple activities he thought would be important to mention in a book intended for the latter-days.

18) And it came to pass that after they had finished and changed back into their Sunday dress, they gathered on the front steps, and he spake in this foolishness, saying: O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is maybe pretty close, when we shall no longer be in subjugation to our enemies the Lamanites, notwithstanding they leave us alone most of the time and ask that we pay them a flat tax from time to time.

19) Therefore, lift up yours heads, and rejoice, and be of great cheer! For on the morrow all of ye shall become straight up slaves, required to work hard in perpetuity until ye are no longer of any use, and without the right to make any of your own decisions or have property at all.

20) Now remember to put your trust in God, for it is because of God that we are in this situation in the first place, therefore he can be trusted to get us into an even better one.

21) And all ye are witnesses this day, that Zeniff, who was made king over forty years ago, before many of you were even born, having entered into a treaty with king Laman, and being unable to come up with a predicate for this sentence. Therefore not all of ye were witnesses, and it was definitely not this day, but some of ye were witnesses that even though we had long since abandoned the practice of naming all our kings "Nephi" as per Jacob 1:11, the Lamanite king was still named "Laman."

22) And behold, we at this time do pay tribute to the king of the Lamanites to the amount of one half of our barley, which is easy since there isn't any on this continent, and one half of the increase of our flocks, that is to say of birds since there are no sheep, and even one half of our herds, which is to say of bison since there is no cattle. And this the king of the Lamanites doth exact of us, or else the IRS doth raid our 401k.

23) And now, is not this grievous to be borne? And is not this, our affliction, great? Bow your heads and say yes.

24) Yea, I say unto you, great are the reasons which we have to mourn; for behold how many of our brethren have been slain, simply because they approached the outer walls of the city!

25) For if I had simply asked them who they were before executing capital punishment, it could have been that some of them had been from Zarahemla. Or part of Alma's group. Or even just farmers coming in for rest after a long day in the fields. Glad I didn't do that this time!

26) And a prophet of the Lord have they slain; yea, and by they I mean Noah and his priests, which hath nothing to do with us nor our sins, except for the fact that we are still being punished by God for it.

27) And behold, that prophet did say that Christ should be created in the image of man. Wait a second, that's not right, is it? I mean to say Christ shall be created after the image that man was created in the beginning, which was after the image of God, and then AFTER that God should come down in the image of man, meaning with a body, and he should walk around on two legs and do cartwheels and hock loogies and shit. Got it? Abinadi taught all that stuff.

28) And now, because he said this, they didn't really give a shit, for they had already passed sentence by that time. But because he insulted them repeatedly, and made death threats upon the king, they did put him to death. But again, that was them, not us. Therefore, who wondereth why we are in bondage, and smitten with sore afflictions by God?

29) For behold, the Lord hath said: I will not punish men except for their own transgressions. So why is little 2-year-old Jill over there lumped in with this?

30) Do the contradicting descriptions of the justice of God in the scriptures make any sense, or are we all just fictional characters in a story designed to scare people into obedience? Don't answer that question, for it filleth me with existential dread.

31) All of you who sow filthiness shall reap the east wind, the most menacing direction of them all.

32) And now, behold, the promise of the Lord is fulfilled, and ye are all smitten and afflicted. But I can still afford personal body guards and shit, so I'm doing alright.

33) Now pack up your things, for tonight we rejoice, for behold, the time is at hand that God shall deliver us from taxes, and on the morrow ye shall all become slaves to the Nephites. That is all.