1) And now, I, Nephi, want to say a few important words concerning the prophecies of which my father hath spoken, concerning Joseph, the one with the dreamcoat. Listen up.
2) They are true, damn it! They are really, fucking true. That's all I wanted to say.
3) Wherefore, now that I've gotten that out of the way, my father, on his deathbed, called the children of Laman, who had daughters worth mentioning, and said unto them: Behold, my sons, and my daughters - oops, I mean my grandsons and granddaughters. I hope Moroni corrects that mistake for me some day - I would that ye should put down your Wii-motes and give ear unto my words.
4) For the Lord God hath said that inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments... I mean his commandments... aw fuck it. Keep my commandment and ye shall prosper in the land; and inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye shall be cut off from the family.
5) But behold, I cannot go down to my grave save I should leave a blessing upon you; for behold, I know for a fact that if ye are brought up in the way ye should go ye will not depart from it. I truly regret not doing that with your father.
6) Wherefore, if ye are cursed, behold it is your parents' fault, and they should feel guilty notwithstanding your free agency. This is scriptural, so ye can't deny it. Therefore, the cursing may be taken from you and be answered upon the heads of your parents, but it won't, so the second Article of Faith is null and void.
7) Wherefore, I bless you that God will not suffer that ye shall perish. Nephi wishes I had given his posterity that blessing, but it isn't really a blessing at all, for it hath already been prophesied. I am mostly just giving you the news. The actual blessing is this: The Lord will be merciful unto your seed forever. But in the spirit of full disclosure, the Lord will not actually fulfill this blessing.
8) And it came to pass that after my father had made an end of speaking to the sons and daughters of Laman, he caused the sons and daughters of Lemuel to be brought before him.
9) And he spake unto them, saying: Behold, my chil... grand... children... behold I leave unto you the same blessings which I left unto the sons and daughters of Laman, which are equally pointless and false.
10) And it came to pass that when my father had made an end of speaking unto them, behold, he did shit his pants, for he had lost feeling in his lower extremities, and we did have to clean it up right there in front of everybody, yea, even all his household.
11) And after we had put a fresh diaper on him, he spake unto Sam saying: Behold, I am really sorry, but your kids are going to be numbered with the seed of thy brother Nephi, and that doth suck. But don't worry, there will be no mention of them whatsoever throughout this book.
12) And it came to pass after my father, Lehi, had spoken unto all his household, except for his wife and daughters, he waxed old in the space of a few seconds. And it came to pass that he died, and did shit his pants again, which I did not think was possible.
13) And it came to pass that not many days after his death, Laman and Lemuel and the sons of Ishmael were angry with me because of the admonitions of the Lord, which had been given through me.
14) For I, Nephi, was forced against my will to speak many things unto them about how they were bad people, and how they were doing everything wrong. My father had spoken to them too, before his death, but those things are written in the 116 pages. Remember those? That's where we wrote the historical stuff, but the details have become fuzzy since they were lost.
15) So I'm just going to plagiarize huge swaths from the Old Testament, but before I do that I will write some of my own thoughts and feelings.
16) Behold, my soul delighteth in reinforcement of what I already believe; and my heart ponderizeth continually upon the subjective experiences I have had that prove I am right.
17) Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, and rich blessings of the spirit that come through membership in his church, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, I am constantly miserable and depressed.
18) I am encompassed about by people living normal lives.
19) And when I desire to be normal too, my heart groaneth because I have to prepare a Sunday School lesson, and fulfill other callings which do so easily beset me.
20) My God hath been my support, he hath shown me tender mercies, but I still have to surrender half my weekend to lessons and meetings away from my family.
21) He hath filled me with his love, even unto the spontaneous combustion of my flesh.
22) Nevertheless, despite this awe-inspiring love, I am still angry with my brothers all the time, and do think of them as mine enemies, and I delight when my God doth hurt and humiliate them.
23) Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, but hath not provided practical assistance. Only knowledge from dreams that I should take anti-depressants each night before going to bed.
24) And by day have I also taken anti-depressants, but it is only because of the altitude, and not because my religion filleth my life with undue stress.
25) And upon the wings of dopamine hath my body been carried away unto exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them. Like, for instance, the Plan of Salvation.
26) O then, if I have seen so great things, and if my church is the one true and living church on the face of the Earth, and if it is so full of spiritual gifts and blessings that do enrich the lives of everyone who doth participate, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my strength slacken, and my flesh desire to kill itself?
27) Why should I have desires to have sex, and to drink, and to take off my garments, and to save my money, and to have fun on Sunday, all to give peace to my afflicted soul? Why am I angry because mine brethrenemies get to do these things all the time?
28) Awake, my soul! No longer desire to sin! Rejoice, O my heart, despite missing out on all those life experiences.
29) Do no anger again because of mine brethrenemies. Do not slacken my strength because the demands of the church are overwhelming.
30) Rejoice, O my heart, and cry in secret. Yea, turn that sad face upside-down and smile that frown away!
31) O Lord, wilt thou deliver me out of this heavenly hell? Wilt thou make me that I may shake and tremble at the appearance of a bare shoulder?
32) May the feelings that all these things are normal be shut out continually before me, that I may be filled with anxiety and paranoia, that I may be strict in following the plain road!
33) O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around by people who believe the same as I! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine brethrenemies! Wilt thou make my life easy! Won't thou not, not place a stumbling block in my way? Wilt thou clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but hedge up the way of my brothers, and make their lives hard?
34) O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and have gotten little out of it, but I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in reason or evidence; for I know that cursed is he that doth browse anti-Mormon websites, and readeth literature not published by Deseret Book. Yea, cursed is he that trusteth in his own intelligence, for he is verily under the influence of El Diablo.
35) Yea, I know that God won't give a liberal answers if he asketh. Yea, but my God will give me, if my politics are not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee, my God, yea I will cry unto thee forever, if that's what it takes, and if I die before I get an answer, well, at least I tried. Amen.
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