2 Nephi, Chapter 15

1) And then will I sing a song to my well-beloved, who is a man like unto myself, and I will touch his vineyard, for my well-beloved hath a long vine with grapes in a very fruitful hill.

2) And he shared it, and gathered the stones thereof, and from the choicest vine he built a tower, and I looked, and I pressed with my hands therein that it should bring forth juice, and it brought forth wildly.

3) And now, O inhabitants of Jerusalem, and men of Judah, I make an end of writing obvious sexual innuendo into sacred scripture, for that was probably not a good idea.

4) What could have been done more to make it subtle? Wherefore, when I looked at the original Old Testament documents, the pronouns were clearly masculine.

5) And now, even though my beloved worked so hard on his vineyard, I did not like the taste of his fruit, so I will tell you what I will do. I will shave away the hedge thereof, and it shall be eaten up; and I will break down the wall thereof, that it shall be trodden down, because that will help.

6) And I will lay it waste; it shall not be pruned nor digged; but there shall come up briers and thorns; I will also command the clouds that they rain no rain upon it.

7) For the Lord of Hosts doth live every day as if it were opposite day, therefore, when he seeketh judgment, behold, he giveth oppression, and when he desireth rigteousness, behold, he maketh men cry.

8) Wo unto the homeless, for the are SOL! Just thought I'd say that.

9) For the Lord of Hosts shall destroy many houses, and leave great and fair cities without inhabitant, all in an effort to make the world a better place to live in. Opposite day.

10) Yea, ten acres shall yield one hooplah, and the seed of a homer shall yield a bart.

11) Wo unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink, that continue until night, for their hangovers do make this a difficult task unto them.

12) And they waste their time with the harp, and the viol, the tabret, and pipe, oh, and the wine too, all when they should be spending their time in the work of the Lord, an equally pointless task, albeit less entertaining.

13) Therefore my people are gone into captivity, an event that occurred in the past tense notwithstanding this book was supposed to have been written before Lehi left Jerusalem.

14) Therefore, hell hath enlarged herself to ten centimeters, and they that glory, and rejoice, and basically all the fun people shall descend into it.

15) But the mean man and the mighty man shall apparently still be around for the Lord to kick and persecute.

16) But the Lord of Hosts can do nothing wrong, for good and bad are defined by his decree, therefore he can rape babies and still be sanctified in righteousness.

17) Then shall the lambs feed after their manner, and digest their food, and it shall turn into shit within their colons and come out of their lamb asses. This is called their waste places, and it shall be the part of the lamb that God will force people to eat.

18) Wo unto them that draw iniquity with cords of vanity, for they shall get iniquity, and they shall like it, for that is what they were trying to get, and the Lord doesn't like it, because he is God!

19) And they shall work too fast. Damn people who work fast! They say let us work fast according to the counsel of the Holy One of Israel and draw his words nigh unto us, that we may know them.

20) And that may sound like righteousness, but damn people who call evil good, and good evil. Damn you all, moral relativists!

21) For ye think ye are wise, saying that ye can determine what is good and what is bad, teaching that there is ambiguity.

22) But in reality there is an absolute right and an absolute wrong to every decision, and only God can say which is which, and it is up to you to determine which church teacheth the difference correctly.

23) And within that church it is up to the men in charge to decipher what God is trying to say through the still, small voice. How dare ye think this method is not absolute and definitive? Morality is relative to each person my ass!

24) I could go on preaching nonsensical concepts and spewing irrational threats ad infinitum!

25) After all, the Lord is still angry. He still wants to commit acts of violence upon his helplessly inferior subjects. Their pitiful, miserable, trivial little lives are still upsetting enough to push his omnipotent ass over the edge! His anger is not turned away, but his hand it stretched out in a beckoning, winding-up sort of way.

26) And he will lift up an Ensign to the nations from Utah, notwithstanding he shall change the name to Liahona, and behold they shall come with speed swiftly in what is a clear and precise prophecy of modern transportation.

27) None shall slumber nor sleep, except most of them, for they can totes sleep so long as they are not driving. And the latchet of their shoes won't even be broken, that is until TSA shall change that rule.

28) Their arrows shall be sharp, but sufficiently rounded to take advantage of the Bernoulli Effect. Their horses shall be more like iron vessels or ships with wheels than horses, but whatever. Banners, arrows, bows, horses, horseshoes, wheels, roaring, okay, it soundeth like I am talking about chariots riding swiftly into battle against Israel, and I know I have been talking about the captivity if Israel for the past four chapters, but ye can interpret it how ye like.

29) Charioteers shall roar in and take my people captive, and none shall deliver them. Eh... I'm still going to lean towards planes, trains, and Utah on this one.

30) And in that day they shall ride coach, and the jet engines shall roar against them like the roaring of the sea, notwithstanding the sound-proof fuselage, and if they look out their tiny little windows unto the land, behold, darkness, for there is no electricity, and the light in the heavens is darkened as well, for there is no nuclear fusion.