1 Nephi, Chapter 3

1) And it came to pass that iNephi returned to the tent of my father, and caught him masturbating.

2) And it came to pass that he spake unto me, saying: It was only a wet dream! And as my father cleaned up after himself he said: The Lord visited me, and he said we must go back to Jerusalem now.

3) For behold, we have left behind our cell phone chargers, and after three days my battery hath run out.

4) Wherefore, my data plan sucks, and the Lord hath commanded you to go unto the house of Laban and seek his tablet with the fancy stylus, and behold these are not anachronisms if thou thinkest about it.

5) And now, behold thy brothers murmur, saying that oral traditions are sufficient and that I do not need more than a basic phone, but when I taught them about incognito mode they did change their minds.

6) Therefore go, my son, and thou shalt be favored of the Lord because thou didst not question or use reason.

7) And it came to pass that iNephi said unto my father: If this had come from you, dad, I would have told thee to go unto hell, but since it cometh from God, I will submit myself to your every command, for I know that when people claim to speak for God they never lie.

8) And when my father had heard these words he was exceedingly glad, and did tell me that God commanded me to bring him a Pepsi.

9) And iNephi, and my brethren took our journey back through the wilderness, and notwithstanding our tents being made of extremely heavy canvass we did take them because we durst not sleep under the clear Arabian skies for three days.

10) And it came to pass that when we got to Jerusalem I did let my older brothers take the lead, for I thought it would be a good learning opportunity for them.

11) And Laman went into Laban's house and asked for the tablet.

12) And after Laban had said no, Laman shifted in his seat and said, uh, let me have the tablet or I'll cut off your head in your sleep?

13) And behold, it came to pass that Laban was angry, and thrust him out from his presence, saying that Laman was a robber, and Laban threatened to cut off his head if he showed his face again.

14) And Laman returned to us, and said: we have the chargers, we have our cell phones, we don't need to steal someone else's tablet. Let's just go back.

15) But I grabbed him firmly by the arm and said: Dad told us to get him a tablet, and by God we're going to get him that tablet if it's the last thing we do!

16) Let's go to our house and raid dad's porn collection that he hath hidden from mom all these years, and which we found when we were five. And all this hath he left behind because of his faith in a dream.

17) For he knew that the apocalypse was coming to Jerusalem, and this he knew for certain because he dreamed it.

18) For behold, no prophecy from God hath ever been wrong, as ye can clearly read about in scriptures that were written after the fact. For behold, God giveth to us prophecy and fulfillment at the same time, after they have occurred, and whenever prophecy is given without its accompanying fulfillment, and it is not fulfilled, it is not included in the scripture unless it be sufficiently vague, and this that it might be perpetually taught as not having occurred yet, even if it so be that two thousand years shall pass away.

19) And behold, we have received specific prophecy about the destruction of Jerusalem in the near future, and it is wisdom that we obey our father's counsel, for in so doing we will strengthen the faith of those who read this story later, which shall be more than two thousand years from this present time, and they shall have a perfect knowledge that specific prophecy from their superiors is always fulfilled.

20) And we must also do this in order to preserve the creation story, which is only written upon that one tablet, even though it was revealed to a prophet like our father in the first place a very long time ago, and even though the prophet Joseph Smith in the distant future will receive at least four new versions of it with little effort at all, and this that the story might not be irretrievably lost.

21) And it came to pass that my logic did confound my brethren, insomuch that they were very confused, and they did go along with everything I said.

22) And it came to pass that we did go into our father's porn collection, and did gather together all the best parts.

23) And verily we did gather, and in so gathering did put together a collection that, when amassed, was compiled into an assortment of combined assemblage.

24) And we took it unto Laban in the hope that he would agree to an exchange for his tablet.

25) And it came to pass that when Laban saw our father's porn collection, he did laugh an exceedingly great laughter, and told us that already he could watch as much porn as he desired upon his tablet, and he did thrust us out.

26) And we were obliged in our haste, much to our sorrow, to leave the porn behind.

27) And it came to pass that we put on fake mustaches and glasses, and the servants of Laban did not recognize us and passed us as if we were strangers.

28) And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel were angry with me that I had lost the porn, and also with our father for his ongoing hypocrisy, and they did call me names, like Pinocchio, and did wiggle their fingers at me whilst their thumbs were placed firmly in their ears and upon the tip of their noses. And they did also point their tongues at me and made raspberry noises. And behold, they did even smite me with whips laced with metal barbs heated to a glow and tipped with vinegar.

29) And it came to pass that an angel of the Lord came and stood before them, and spake saying: why do ye point your tongues at your brother and make noises as if to fart, and yet ye do not fart? Know ye not that the Lord hath made him better than you? For every finger that ye point at him, there are three others pointed directly back into the palm of your hand. Therefore, ye shall go back and obtain the tablet, for your father's data plan is truly inadequate, and the promised land doth have public WiFi.

30) And after the angel had spoken unto us, he dematerialized before our presence.

31) And Laman and Lemuel were astonished, for they had never watched Star Trek like unto me, and were wholly unprepared. Nevertheless, they did not believe the angel's words that there was public WiFi in the promised land.