2 Nephi, Chapter 2

1) And now, William, I speak unto you: Thou art my firstborn in those eight years of tribulation while we were traveling the last five hundred miles in the Arabian desert.  And notwithstanding the horrible physical conditions of thy childhood, thou hast suffered afflictions mostly because of the rudeness of thy brethren.

2) Nevertheless, William, thou art almost eight years old, which meaneth thou knowest enough about God to commit the rest of thy life unto him.

3) Wherefore, thy soul shall be blessed, and thy days shall be spent in the service of thy God.  Unless of course they're not, in which case I shall accuse thee of breaking the covenants thou shalt have made voluntarily, for thou shalt not have been baptized because of family pressure or expectation.

4) And thy mind hath developed sufficiently to understand right from wrong, and to be fully responsible for thine own choices, whether we compel thee to make them or not, regardless of how suggestible thou mightest be, for the age limit is a law of God, and it is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  And the way is prepared from the fall of man, and salvation is free.  Nevertheless, thou must still work for salvation.  Hard.  Faith without works is dead.

5) All men were instructed sufficiently in the pre-existence that they know good from evil, including the mentally handicapped, although they were never able to put it back together again after passing through the veil.  For when we were given bodies of flesh the law was put into effect for us, and our knowledge of said law was taken away just to make things fair, and we were cut off, and deprived of any scientifically verifiable evidence of God's plan, and thus were to become miserable forever.

6) But God doth make up for it by offering redemption which cometh in and through Jesus, for Jesus did verily volunteer to become the Holy Messiah in that great council, and he did it for purely selfless reasons.

7) Behold, he put forth a plan that would permanently cut off God's children from his presence, but offered himself a sacrifice for sin, such that a few who have a broken heart and a suggestible spirit might avoid that fate.

8) Wherefore, how great the importance to make these things known unto the inhabitants of the earth, that they might know that Satan tried to ensure that no flesh would be taken out of the presence of God, but Jesus insisted that his grace and mercy must depend upon their merits, for he layeth down his life, and doth not simply forgive anyone.  Indeed, this is according to the perfect justice of God, which doth require that only those who are perfectly innocent be punished for sin.  This is the atonement, and behold, verily, even lifelong Mormons will admit that they do not understand it.

9) Wherefore, Jesus shall rise to a throne of great power, yea, and become a God too, and inasmuch as the children of men shall worship him, and him alone, they shall be saved.  From him.

10) And because of his good intentions, he doth gain all the glory unto himself.  And mankind doth worship him.  And he alloweth it.  And he commandeth it  And he doth soak it up.  And behold, Satan's plan was rejected primarily because he wanted all the glory, and God the Father beheld that this was evil.  And Satan's punishment is affixed, which is in opposition to the happiness which Satan did desire for everyone, and he was cast out, and God did cause him to be scorned and hated by all nations.

11) For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, Jesus' plan could never be brought to pass.  Yea, without opposition we would be left with Satan's plan, for we would have no free agency, and thus could never sin, and would live in the presence of God forever.  Wherefore, it maketh no sense that Satan gave Eve the fruit, for that did violate Satan's own plan, and did in fact directly put Jesus' plan into motion.  Yea, and Satan doth continue to tempt mankind and provide information that stirreth up doubts in the hearts of men, wherefore, it doth seem that Satan hath accepted Christ's plan after all.

12) Wherefore, what we have been told about Satan's plan must needs have been a lie; wherefore there would have been no purpose for Christ's proposal to not include a Satan that would do everything in his power to create opposition.  Wherefore, Satan must needs have accepted Christ's plan, for he worketh it, and this thing destroyeth the power, and the mercy, and the justice of God, for God did curse Satan with eternal punishment because of it.

13) And if ye shall say Satan is the villain, ye shall also say Christ is the hero.  If ye shall say Christ is the hero, ye shall also say Christ's plan is good.  And if Christ's plan is good, the law of opposition is good, for it is an essential part of Christ's plan.  And if the law of opposition is good, then those who strive to put it into effect, like Satan, are also good.  And if Satan is naught, then there is no plan of Christ, neither free agency, for there could have been no opposition, neither to act nor to be acted upon.  Therefore, Satan must be the hero, and because those who paint him as the hero are the villains, yea, Christ's plan must be villainous, and thus we are on the wrong side.

14) And now, my sons, for behold ye are all in this room and it doth no longer make sense to direct my words towards William alone, thus the sudden change in audience, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath accepted Jesus' plan, which God could not come up with on his own notwithstanding it is juvenile at best.  And God's side is the winning side, and we are powerless mortals, therefore it is wisdom to align ourselves with him even if it be evil.

15) And to bring about his evil purposes in bringing about the end of the eternal progression of man, even all those who obtain lower degrees of glory, he did create our first parents, and gave unto them contradictory commandments, thus forcing them to violate one or the other, and this because of his perfect justice which doth set us up to fail, for it must needs be that there is failure; yea, and God's actions are in opposition to themselves; on the one hand being evil and on the other good.

16) Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto men laws that dictated that they should be eternally damned.  Therefore, God is responsible for all who are eternally damned, for he could have made more reasonable laws, unless of course the laws are higher than God, in which case there is no need for God in our lives in the first place, for he is only a middle-man.

17) And I, Lehi, according to the things which I have read, must needs suppose that God made the laws on his own, which doth make him a monstrous dick with a cruel sense of justice and morality, for his plan of a Savior would only help some of his children, like creating a concentration camp, and then creating an exit door in the concentration camp that many will not use.  And according to that which is written, an angel had fallen from heaven; wherefore, he became a devil, having recommended that God do away with the entire concentration camp in the first place.

18) And because the devil had fallen from heaven, and had put God's plan into effect, he must have become miserable forever, for all he had to do to get what he wanted was walk away.  But he didn't.  Wherefore, he did bring about the misery of all mankind, for he said unto Eve: Partake of the forbidden fruit, and ye shall not die, but ye shall be as God, for there is still only one God and not many, for our doctrine hath not changed yet.

19) And learning good from evil would have been great if God hadn't recently created arbitrary laws damning men for eternity for committing even the most minor infractions.  Yea verily, no unclean thing can dwell with God.  So Adam and Eve were driven out of the presence of God for taking a bite from a fucking apple.

20) And they have brought forth perfectly innocent children, and when their children are born are they in presence of God? They are innocent, aren't they? Behold I say unto you, nay.  And why are they not in the presence of God?  It is not because they can't be in two places at the same time, but because Adam and Eve partook of the fruit. Yes, I know this blatantly violates the second Article of Faith, and not just a tiny violation.

21) And the days of the children of men were prolonged, according to the will of God, that they might repent while in the flesh, even though they could also repent while in spirit prison, and they would have thousands of years to do so before the first resurrection.  Yea, their lifespans were lengthened to more than 900 years, for the word "lengthened" would not make sense in any other context, therefore science be damned; and God doth not realize that people are sinners, and that the net sin-to-repentance ratio on the Earth is weighted towards sin, since there is not a perfect 100% repentance rate.  Therefore more time equals more net sin, and more overall sin, making it more difficult to slide into judgment day with a perfect score; for he doth make it as difficult to be saved as humanly possible.

22) And now, behold, if Satan had not transgressed and given in to Jesus' plan, Adam and Eve would have remained in the garden of Eden.  And all things which were created must have remained in the same state; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

23) And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no sex, for they knew no lust; doing no coitus, for they knew no facts.  This was the biggest problem.

24) But behold, eternity without end doth seem to describe the Plan of Salvation, which is supposedly good, although the thought of achieving perfection and having experienced all things in the universe with nothing left but eternity to look forward to is a frightening thought indeed, and I would eventually grow to loath my very existence.

25) Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might live forever and eventually achieve a similar perfected state of terrifyingly stagnant monotony.

26) Unless, of course, God isn't all-powerful, all-knowing, or all-benevolent, but rather in a state of progression himself, in which case he can and probably has fucked up already many times.  But the Messiah cometh to fix all his problems, and make men free forever, knowing good and that which they are permitted to read on the Internet, to act for themselves and not to be acted upon.  ...Okay, yes to be acted upon.  There is always the free agency of those around them, and the punishments of God of course.  God will kick everyone's ass whether they choose it or not.  Freedom to choose is not the same as freedom from God, or some might choose not to participate in his plan, and behold, it is too late already.

27) Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh, to play the hand that is given to them.  And if it so be that they do not have motor control, they are free to think whatever thoughts they desire.  And if they do become a vegetable, they are free to let their heart continue to beat.  And if it so be that they are stillborn, they are free to enter the Celestial Kingdom.  They have that single choice, and are completely free to make it!  And if it so be that they fuck a whore on the altar of the temple with a strap-on dildo, God is free to take away all their options. This is freedom.

28) And now, my sons, I would that ye should recognize that not everybody understands that we have this much freedom.  They all think we are mindless robots doomed to involuntarily act out some inevitable narrative crafted by an omnipotent puppeteer who knows the end from the beginning.  But it is not so!  Choose God, for he is not like that.

29) Don't choose Satan.  He will only teach you good and evil, and knowledge is bad.

30) I have spoken these few words unto you all, my sons, and I have done so because I have chosen to do so, and it is the right choice.  And if ye make the wrong choice God will take away all your choices.  This is how free agency works, and God hath none other object save it be the everlasting freedom of your souls.  Amen.