1 Nephi, Chapter 17

1) And it came to pass that we did again take our journey into the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth.  And we did continue to eat raw flesh, for although we were advanced farmers and hunters, we knew not how to make a simple fire, and when I asked the Lord for instructions He did not believe me that I knew not how to make a fire, and laughed at me in a still small voice.

2) And so great were our blessings that we did nearly starve and die of dehydration, and our women did give plenty of suck for their children, which I did refuse to refer to as our children, for it was impossible to identify the fathers of any of them, and our females were weak and helpless and did murmur exceedingly just like typical women, and were not strong like unto the men.

3) And thus we see that reckless abandon with complete lack of preparation and forethought was exactly what God wanted of us, and when we set our table and prayed with enough fervor, food did magically appear.

4) And we did slow our pace exceedingly, yea, even that we did travel our last thousand miles over the course of eight years, which was about a third of a mile per day.

5) And eventually the Lord allowed us to reach the land which we called Bountiful, because of its much fruit and also wild honey; and all these things were prepared of the Lord that we might not perish, even though we had survived for eight years without it.  And we beheld the sea, which we called many waters, which being interpreted, is many waters, for this entire book was translated into English, remember?

6) And it came to pass that we did pitch our tents by the seashore, and when the tide came in we did move our tents farther back, and we rejoiced exceedingly that the Lord finally led us to Bountiful, albeit painfully slowly, for we had suffered many afflictions and much difficulty, yea, even so much that we cannot write them all, although we had several chapters to discuss my father's dream, and will have enough time and room remaining on these plates to copy many chapters straight out of Isaiah.

7) And it came to pass that after the space of many days, I had a dream in which the Lord told me to wake up and climb a mountain.  And it came to pass that I awoke and climbed a mountain, and cried unto the Lord, and did ask why it was relevant to climb the mountain in order to continue our conversation.

8) And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto me, saying: Thou shalt construct a ship, after the manner which I shall show thee, that I may carry thy people across these waters.

9) And I said: Lord, why couldst thou not have simply told this unto me while I was asleep in my bed?

10) And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go to find ore, that I might make tools, and behold it was down by where my tent was.

11) And it came to pass that I asked the Lord whither I might find tools to mine the ore, and He did not answer.  So I fashioned picks and shovels, and I did make a bellows of the skins of marauders, and I did make a hammer and an anvil, and tongs to work with the hot metal, and I did make a wrench and set of pliers to help shape the material, and a pot in which to contain the melted ore, and forms for shaping my iron works, and a barrel full of water in which to temper it.  And after I had completed my mining and blacksmithing sets, I did fashion tools out of ore so that I would be able to fashion tools out of ore.

12) Oh shit, I forgot.  The Lord did actually show me how to make fire by this time, obviously, but he had not hitherto suffered that we should make fire as we journeyed in the wilderness, because He made our food sugary sweet, and that was good enough, for behold I knew not that such flavor had nothing to do with bacteria, but God took care of it for us.

13) Um... damn it!  And he also lit the wilderness for us at night, for behold, it was a full moon for eight years straight.  Yea, that's it.

14) And behold, it was not a full moon, but I was speaking metaphorically, for the Lord did promise to lead us in light and truth, yea, he was a light unto us in the darkness, figuratively speaking, and he did deliver us out of the land of Jerusalem.  I mean, he did deliver us out of the City of Jerusalem. Land of Israel.

15) Wherefore, remember when I said there would be errors of men in this book?  Behold, that doth apply right now.  iNephi am to blame, not the translator Zelph Smith who is only the messenger.

16) And it came to pass that I did use the tools that I had made for my blacksmithing shop to make other tools for a more proper blacksmith shop, and once that was complete, I did make other tools still, and these were the ones I did use to build my ship.

17) And when my brethren saw that I was about to build a ship, behold, they were in the midst of drinking water, and it did spew forth from their nostrils like a fountain.  And they said: Our brother is a fool, for he thinketh that he can build a ship that is capable of crossing nearly two-thirds the circumference of the Earth.  Who doth he think he is?  Magellan?

18) And thus my brethren did complain against me, and were desirous that they might not labor, for they did not believe that I had received blueprints of the Lord, and it would have helped if I could have shown unto them the blueprints, but the Lord commanded that nobody must see them except for me, and it was exceedingly irritating, but that's how the Lord works - mysterious ways.

19) And now it came to pass that iNephi was exceedingly sorrowful because of their lack of faith in my words, simply because I would not show unto them the plain evidence, and now when they saw that I began to be sorrowful they were glad in their hearts, insomuch that they did rejoice over me, saying: We knew that ye were trying to trick us, and did not actually have any blueprints that we could review in order to make our own judgment.

20) And behold, iNephi was confused that they had used the second-person plural form ye with me, for there was nobody else there except for me, and I did look at the spirit of the Lord standing next to me and did wonder if perhaps they were finally able to see it.

21) And as my brethren laughed, they suddenly began to cry because of the afflictions we had suffered these past eight years, which I have refused to describe in any kind of detail.  But notwithstanding the extremity of our afflictions, nobody had died, yea, not a single soul, for behold that would have ruined the plot that I have striven to create.

22) And my brethren did also say: we know that the people who were in the land of Jerusalem were a righteous people; for they kept the statutes and judgments of the Lord, and all his commandments, according to the law of Moses; wherefore, we know that they are a righteous people; and our father hath judged them, and hath led us away because we would hearken unto his words; yea, and our brother is like unto him.  And I did realize that everything they had just said was true.

23) Nevertheless, I did stand up for my beliefs, and spake unto them, saying: Do ye believe that our fathers, who were the children of Israel, were led away out of the hands of the Egyptians?  Know ye not that they had been in bondage, laden with tasks which were grievous to be borne?

24) And they said unto me: Correct, we know this not, for there is no evidence that our forefathers were ever in Egypt, and this after centuries of archaeological exploration through and past the layer that represents the multiple centuries when they were supposedly there.

25) And I said unto them: At least ye know that Moses spoke, and by his word the waters of the Red Sea were divided hither and thither, and they passed through on dry ground.

26) And they lifted their eyebrows, and said: Certainly thou jests.

27) And I said: But ye know that they were fed with manna in the wilderness.

28) And I had them there, for behold we had just survived eight years in the wilderness from the exact same miracle.

29) And I said: Yea, ye also know that Moses smote the rock, and there came forth water, that the children of Israel might quench their thirst.

30) And they said unto me: How can we know any of this?  All we have are the writings upon Laban's record.  And behold, the world's greatest experts do believe that these were first written between 800 and 600 BC, so how can we trust a work that is clearly mythological in nature and contains no archaeological support, when it was written many hundreds of years after the fact?

31) And I said unto them: Ye know that they wandered in the wilderness for forty years, yea, thousands upon thousands of Israelites.  Are you meaning to tell me there is not one scrap of evidence that they left behind in the sand that attests to this journey?

32) My brethren nodded.

33) But, continued I, they crossed the river Jordan by command of the Lord, and slew the people who were in Canaan.  Yea, they did slay city upon city, women and children, yea, even babies, and they did completely obliterate the entire race by the sword in a genocide more thorough than Hitler shall ever accomplish, and don't ye suppose they were righteous?

34) Behold, they said unto me, Nay.

35) And I explained that the mass murder was justified because this people had rejected every word of God, yea, they did embrace another religion, and thus the fulness of the wrath of God was upon them; and the Lord did curse the land against them, but did give unto our fathers a second chance after the golden calf incident, and did offer forgiveness if they would but slaughter village after village of men, women, and children.

36) And I said: Behold, the Lord hath created the earth that it should be inhabited; and he did take more than four billion years to evolve mankind.

37) And he raiseth up one species, and destroyeth another, all by the power of his statistics, and it taketh a really fucking long time.

38) And it doth piss him off when nations choose other religions and worship other Gods, for verily they show him not his due gratitude for such a time-consuming task.

39) He ruleth from Kolob, for it is his throne, and this earth is his footstool to kick around.

40) And he loveth those who will have him to be their God, and hateth everyone else, and to those whom he loveth, such as Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, he maketh covenants, and their seed reap the benefits, even though they have done nothing to deserve them except be born into the favored race, and this according to the perfect fairness of God.

41) Yea, he hath done many miracles for the chosen people, for when they hardened their hearts, he did straighten them out with his rod, and he did send flying dragons that breathed fire to bite them.  I'm dead serious, he sent fiery flying serpents.  Look it up.  This was actually a thing.

42) And my brethren hardened their hearts and would not believe in dragons, but I did believe in the Bible, and in the Book of Mormon, therefore I did believe in dragons, and knew that my brethren would be cursed for their lack of faith.

43) And I bore testimony that fire-breathing dragons were real, and said: Because the people of Jerusalem do not believe in this thing, they are ripe in wickedness, and the day cometh soon that they shall be destroyed.  Well, most of them.

44) And our father left because he was commanded, and the Jews sought to take away his life; yea, and ye also have sought to take away his life; wherefore, ye are murderers in your hearts!  Murderers!  And ye are like unto them!

45) And my brothers said unto me: You're one to talk.

46) For behold, who have we killed?  Nobody, and we have had plenty of opportunity, therefore we are not murderers, and it is all in your head.  However, what is that red stain that is still upon the sword thou didst steal from Laban?

47) And I said: Behold, my soul is rent with anguish because of you, and my heart is pained!  I fear lest ye shall be cast off forever.  And behold, I did grab two electrodes, and I was full of the Spirit of God, insomuch that my frame had no strength.

48) And now it came to pass that when my brothers saw this, they were frightened for me, and were desirous to put me in a straitjacket; and as they came forth to lay their hands upon me I spake unto them, saying: In the name of the Almighty God, I command you that ye touch me not, for I am filled with the power of God, even unto the consuming of my flesh; and whoso shall lay his hands upon me shall... bwoosh... burn in the fiery pits of Mor...dor.

49) And they beheld that my flesh truly was consuming, and my body continued to convulse, and smoke did begin to rise from my head.

50) And I said unto them: If God had commanded me to do all things I could do them.  If he should command me that I should say unto this water, be thou earth, it should be earth; and if I should say it, it would be done.

51) And my brothers did appear nervous, and stretched forth their hands, and said unto me:  Okay Nephi, you got it, we believe you, you can build a ship.  Just let go of those electrodes and come down from there.

52) And I beheld that they were confounded and could not contend against me; neither durst they lay their hands upon me nor touch me with their fingers, so powerful was the Spirit of God; and thus it had wrought upon them.

53) And it came to pass that the Lord said unto me: Let go, and stretch forth thy hand unto thy brethren, and they shall not wither before thee, but I will shock them, saith the Lord, and this will I do, that they may have proof that I exist.

54) And it came to pass that I let go, and I stretched forth my hand unto my brethren, and they did not wither like I had, but the Lord did shake them, and it was quite hilarious to watch.  And behold, my hair did fall back down into place.

55) And now, they said: Now we know of a surety that God exists, for we did behold electricity, and the electrons did flow into us according to laws of physics, and according to the rules of logic this doth mean that there is a God, verily, for thou must be God, Nephi, for surely only a God can command electrons to do His bidding.  And they fell down before me, and were about to worship me, but I would not suffer them, saying: I am thy brother, not God.  God is over there where those electrons truly came from.  And my brothers fell down before the electrodes, and did worship, and I had great hopes that this time they truly were converted.