Friday, August 21, 2015

1 Nephi, Chapter 16

1) And now it came to pass that after iNephi had made an end of speaking to my brethren, behold they said unto me: Thou hast declared insulting things unto us, and it is more than we are able to bear.

2) And it came to pass that I thanked them for their calm and honest demeanor, and said unto them that I knew that I had spoken insulting things against the wicked, such as people like them, and the righteous, such as people like me, have I justified, I having slipped into the first-person very subtly, and I know that it hurt your feelings, because ye wicked ones take the truth to be hard, for it cutteth you to the very center.

3) And now my brethren, if ye were righteous ye wouldn't have had to feel insulted when I spoke the truth, for I wouldn't have had to point out all your faults, and this awkwardness could have been avoided.

4) And it came to pass that iNephi did insult my brethren one last time.

5) And it came to pass that they stopped speaking unto me, again, and I had great hopes that our relationship might be able to be salvaged.

6) Now, all these things were said and done as my father dwelt in a tent in the valley of Lemuel, which as thou mayest recall was only three days from Jerusalem, notwithstanding it was on the borders by the Red Sea.

7) And it came to pass that iNephi took to wife the daughter of Isaac whose virginity I had taken, and behold we knelt across the altar which my father had made, and we did wear green aprons and a robe across our right shoulders, and I took her by the patriarchal grip, and I did make my vows unto God, and none of my vows were directed towards her, and she did swear to give herself unto me, which promise was not reciprocated, and my father pronounced us married for all eternity, and did also say something about resurrection and kingdoms.

8) And as many of our families who were straight did also marry, notwithstanding they held no love for each other, for it was a commandment of the Lord, and their options were truly limited.

9) And it came to pass that night, while our marriages were being consummated, that the voice of the Lord spake unto my father, saying: The readers are getting bored of the plot.  It's time to move your family along into the wilderness again now.

10) And it came to pass that as my father arose in the morning, and went forth to the tent door, to his great astonishment he beheld upon the ground an object of curious workmanship; and it was of fine brass, and it was in the shape of a phallus with two balls; and when he pressed a switch it did begin to vibrate, and it rotated in small circles.

11) And it came to pass that nobody would admit to owning it, and we did gather together our tents, and our seeds, and our sheep, and our horses, and our ice chests.

12) And it came to pass that we did walk across the river Laman, which was a dry bed just like all wadis in that part of the world, and kept on walking.

13) And it came to pass that we traveled for the space of four days, which is seven days from Jerusalem for those who are keeping track, and we pitched our tent in a fertile land identified as Wadi Agharr by the apologists, and it is about five hundred miles from Jerusalem.  And after running continuously with all our animals and tents for 14 hours per day, we did reach our destination in the reported amount of time, and we collapsed in exhaustion.

14) And we did stop at a well to re-hydrate, and it was along the Frankincense trail, for there were no other wells in that part of the wilderness in that century, and we did need to drink fresh water, it being one of the harshest deserts in the world.  And as we went forth to draw water, we were ambushed by marauders, as was also common on the Frankincense trails, and we did take our bows and our arrows, and we did slay them, and butcher them, and took the meat home to our families, for verily there were not many wild animals to hunt in the desert, and our families did not know the difference.

15) And it came to pass that we did slow our pace to a walk, and we did travel for an unspecified number of  days, slaying marauders by the way, with our bows and our arrows and our stones and our slings, and we did steal their provisions from their bodies, for verily they did not need them anymore.

16) And my brothers complained that they thought we were becoming marauders ourselves, but I told them to shut up and eat their meat pies.

17) And after we had thus traveled for the space of many days, yea, perhaps even weeks or months, we found a place inhabited by a local tribe, and decided to pitch our tents and see if we could obtain more food for our families.

18) And it came to pass that iNephi did fall into a time portal, and I awoke in a place called the BYU department of engineering, and they were holding a contest to see if they could create a functional bow made out of steel, and I did see that the collection of their brilliant minds could not accomplish the task, and in their frustration they did break one of their bows by applying tens of thousands of psi under the tensile stress machine, and I took the broken steel bow in my hands and traveled back through the time portal.

19) And I returned and showed the bow unto my family, and they were amazed at the steel which did not then exist at any place in the world, and they beheld the strain marks and were astonished at how far it could stretch before finally snapping in half, for they understood not how the properties of iron changed when entrained with carbon.

20) And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel and the sons of Isaac did begin to murmur exceedingly, because nobody had ever given them a steel bow; and also my father began to murmur against the Lord that all he had been given was a rotating dildo, and it did not give him the pleasure he had expected.

21) And my brothers also murmured that their bows had lost their springs, notwithstanding I told them that was impossible, and that restringing a bow was easy, and it began to be exceedingly difficult to reason with them.

22) And it came to pass that iNephi did say unto my father and my brothers that a steel bow was useless anyway, because it was far too strong a material for any human arm to pull back, and the technology to make it work was ludicrous and far beyond our understanding and abilities, and I did beseech that they stop bitching about it.

23) And it came to pass that I did make out of wood a bow, and took one of the arrows that we already had, for I had said nothing about having lost all our arrows, and I said unto my father: Where should I go to kill some more marauders?

24) And it came to pass that he did inquire of the Lord, and the Lord did activate the brass balls, and they did vibrate in a general direction whilst rotating like a wriggling worm.

25) And it came to pass that I went, and I did find a group of men who were carving inscriptions upon three altars in a temple called Bar'an.

26) And it came to pass that I said unto them: What is this that ye are inscribing?  Is it the name of this place?

27) And they said unto me, nay, and they indicated that the words were: Bi'athar son of Sawdum, son of Naw'um, of the tribe of Nihm, has dedicated to Ilmaqah the person Fari'at, by 'Athtar, and by Ilmaqah, and by Dhat-Himyam, and by Yada'-il, and by Ma'adi-karib.

28) And I said unto them: What is Nihm?  Is it the name of this place? For behold, it is like unto Nahum which is the name of a book in the Old Testament.

29) And they said unto me: Nay, it is not the name of this or any place, for it is the name of our tribe only.  Behold, we are the Nihmites.

30) And I said unto them: But ye have no vowels in your written language, so it could be that ye are inscribing "Nahom," right?

31) And they ignored me, and it came to pass that I had grown weary of the conversation, and I did slay them, insomuch that I did obtain food for our families.

32) And it came to pass that I did return to our tents, bearing the meat which I had obtained; and now when they beheld that I had obtained food, how great was their joy!  Nevertheless, they did give all their thanks unto the Lord, as if I had done nothing at all that was worthy of gratitude.

33) And they came with me unto the place which was called Nahom, and we did pitch our tents.

34) And it came to pass that Isaac found the head of one of the men I had slain, and he did realize what he had been eating for the past several weeks, and I was forced to kill him so that nobody else would find out.

35) And it came to pass that we buried Isaac at Nahom, and his daughters did mourn exceedingly, and they did think that my father Lehi was responsible, and it turned into this whole big deal.

36) And thus did they accuse my father of murder, and also me, for they knew I was his puppet, and they were desirous to pronounce a sentence upon us.

37) And my brothers said unto the sons of Ishmael: Behold, let us give unto our father community service, but let us give our brother Nephi the death penalty, for he has proven to be an unstable killer already.

38) Now he says that people on the road should be killed for their meat, and that angels have appeared unto him.  But behold, we know that an angel appeared unto him, for we were there also, so I suppose that one is true, but that other thing about cannibalism is pretty fucking scary, and it maketh me sick to my stomach... literally.

39) And it came to pass that God appeared in the midst of us, right then and there, and did bitch slap my brothers with exceedingly great strength, and did ask them what else they thought they were going to eat, and after he disappeared my brothers repented and went back to their meals.

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