1) And now it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had preached to my brethren ad nauseam, our father, who was once again ours together, also spake many things unto them, and rehearsed unto them a memorized sermon about the ridiculous things the Lord had done for them in bringing them out of the land of Jerusalem.
2) And they spake unto him concerning their conviction that the Lord could have singled them out and spared their lives, like he did with the firstborn of the Israelites who sprinkled lamb blood over their doors. And they said unto him, is not God sufficiently omnipotent to ensure we were captured instead of killed?
3) And behold also, there are no missionaries in Babylon, and doth not God's mercy extend over them also? Yea, and doth not God approve of courageous missions deep into enemy territory and subjugation to the local king in order to convert him? Yea, and it is selfish that we should flee and not use our effort to try to effect change.
4) And my father was grieved, and said, I have seen a vision, and I know that God is omnipotent and perfectly benevolent, but He hath decided that this destruction was to be an indiscriminate one, and had we remained in Jerusalem we should have already perished.
5) But, said he, notwithstanding God's apparent irrationality, we have reached America, a land which is better than any other land, a land which is reserved for my seed. Yea, the Lord hath even covenanted this land unto the European immigrants in the distant future, but not unto the Asiatic peoples who immigrated here tens of thousands of years ago, for verily they are all over the place, but I have decided not to write about them, and give commandment unto my descendants forever to refrain from writing about them.
6) Wherefore, I, Lehi, prophesy according to the workings of the Spirit which is in me, that, aside from these multitudes which are already here, there shall none come into this land save they shall be brought by the hand of the Lord, including the African slaves.
7) Wherefore, this land is consecrated unto the God who shall bring them via the transatlantic slave trade. And if it so be that they shall serve their masters according to the commandments which hath been given them, it shall be a land of liberty unto them; wherefore, they shall never be brought down into captivity; if so, it shall be because of iniquity; for iniquity shall abound amongst those goddamned niggers, and the land shall be cursed for their sakes, but unto the righteous it shall be blessed forever.
8) And behold, it is wisdom that this land should be kept as yet from the knowledge of other nations... well... except for those native american nations that already overrun the land, yea, and there is already no place for an inheritance. Where's the delete button? Shit, I hate making engravings! I'm fucking this book up!
9) Wherefore, I, Lehi, have obtained a promise that inasmuch as those who are mentioned in this book, and only those mentioned in this book, shall keep the commandments, they shall prosper in the land, and they shall be kept isolated from all other nations in North and South America, and shall inhabit a tiny strip of land that shall remain undiscovered, or unidentified, in perpetuity forever, notwithstanding they shall number in the millions. And even though I have already prophesied that they are going to turn away from the commandments and dwindle in wars and unbelief, and that this future is set in stone considering Nephi hath already made an extra set of plates in anticipation of a future that is dependent on this future, it is still worth mentioning that if it doesn't happen, these people will dwell in safety and peace forever and ever.
10) But behold, when the inevitable failure of that promise cometh, as I have already prophesied, and they cease to believe in the absurd fables with which they have been indoctrinated, and behold, I say, if the day shall come that they will reject Santa, the true father of Christmas, their provider of the best of gifts, behold, the judgments of him whose justice makes no sense whatsoever shall rest upon them.
11) Yea, he will bring the Spanish conquistadors to murder their wives and rape their children, and will give unto them smallpox and hepatitis, and he will cause them to be scattered and smitten.
12) Yea, as one generation passeth to another there shall be bloodsheds, and great plagues among them; wherefore, my sons, I would that ye would not forget to remember.
13) Oh, that the black people would awake; awake from the deep sleep, yea, even from the sleep of hell, and shake off the chains by which they shall be bound, and chains were invented four hundred years after I, Lehi, left Jerusalem, but I have seen that that is what they shall be called, and they are perfectly justifiable in historical context, for those dirty niggers are carried away captive from the Ivory Coast down to the Gulf of Mexico.
14) Awake! and arise from ignorance, and hear the words of rich white people who know what's best for you, for once ye are assimilated into American culture there is no return; and that culture doth follow the trends of all the earth!
15) But behold, in 1978 the Lord shall redeem their souls from hell, and before that day cometh, the best they could possibly look forward to is being a servant to white people in the celestial kingdom.
16) And I desire that they should remember to keep marrying within their own race; behold, this hath been the anxiety of my soul from the beginning.
17) My heart hath been weighed down with sorrow, Laman and Lemuel, for I have feared, lest for the progressiveness of your minds the Lord your God should come out in the fulness of his wrath upon you and make you niggers as well.
18) And that this cursing should come upon you for the space of many generations; and ye are visited by sword, and by famine, and are hated by Nephi's people, for verily they shall have no sympathy for your travails.
19) O my sons, that these things might not come upon you, but that God might be decent for once! But behold, his will be done; for his ways are righteousness forever, and always align with what would have happened anyway if he didn't exist.
20) And he hath said that: Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land; but inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye shall be cut off from my presence. At least I think he said that. Perhaps it was in my 116 pages which are lost.
21) And now that my soul might have joy in you, and that my heart might leave this world with gladness because of you, that I might not be brought down with grief and sorrow to the grave, grow a pair, my sons, and be men.
22) That ye may not incur the displeasure of a just God unto the eternal destruction of both soul and body, notwithstanding resurrection is supposed to be a free gift for all.
23) Awake, my sons; put on the armor of the conquistadors. Fight back! Shake off the chains with which ye shall be bound. Inoculate yourselves against the measles, typhus, and influenza! Boil your water for God's sake! Teach your children something useful that might actually help them, because God, possessor of all knowledge, is certainly not going to!
24) Rebel no more against your brother, whose views have been glorious, and who is justified in being full of himself, and who hath always been incredibly awesome, and who is writing this account right now on his own plates, for behold, everything I say can be totally trusted as a reliable assessment of his character.
25) And none of my words have been intentionally changed by Nephi who is doing this transcription, for he would never do a thing like that, for he is awesome and perfect, and you suck, and I, your father Lehi, exceedingly fear and tremble because of you, for behold, ye have accused him that he sought power and authority over you, but I know that he hath not sought for power nor authority over you, but he hath sought the glory of God, and his power and authority are completely incidental, and the only reason he doth accept them is for your own eternal welfare.
26) And ye have murmured because he hath been hateful unto you. Ye say that he hath used racial slurs and language that is not politically correct, but behold, he hath only spoken the word of God, and if God saith that your descendants are going to be wetbacks, prairie niggers, and motherfucking brownies, then what ye call bigotry is the truth, according to that which is in God, which Nephi could not restrain.
27) And there is truth behind every stereotype, otherwise it would not be accepted by so many people. Behold, it was not Nephi, but it was the Spirit of the Lord which was in him, which hijacked his free agency, therefore he can not be blamed for his words.
28) And now my sons, and also the sons of Isaac, any my daughters... no, never mind, go away girls... behold, my sons, if ye will stay active in the church ye shall not perish, and I will leave unto you a fair inheritance, yea, even according to my last will and testament.
29) But if ye will not stay active I take away thy inheritance, for your difference of belief by default means ye can not be trusted to make wise use of your money, or in other words ye probably won't give it back to the church. Oh, and ye shall not perish by making this choice either, which makes this consequence meaningless, but your descendants shall live to obliterate those of your brother. Please don't take that as an incentive.
30) And now, Zoram, I speak unto you: Behold, thou art the servant of Laban, or at least used to be, nevertheless, thou hast been saved from the destruction at Jerusalem so that thou too mayest bless the lives of seminary students in the distant future with the publication of a book that has your name in it, and I know that thou art exceedingly grateful for this!
31) And Zoram said unto him: Since this book shall be received by revelation using nothing more than a rock and a hat, can't we just go back now that the destruction is over, and let the remainder of the book become fictional? After all, its value is not in its history, but in its spiritual content, which need not be factually correct.
32) And it came to pass that my father was tired of arguing, and we did go back, and we repossessed our residences in Jerusalem, and we did help them build a better Israel, and everything that transpired in this book from this time forward became a fiction invented in order to promote spiritual values, and for this reason BYU shall not offer any courses that discuss its historicity, for that truly shall be an empty field of research.
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