Jacob, Chapter 3

1) But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you who have decided to listen unto me. If ye shall look unto God with firmness of mind, he will plead your case. To himself. And he will send down justice upon those who seek your destruction, which are basically the Lamanites.

2) Therefore, I would exhort you to look unto God with flexibility of mind, that ye would not close yourselves off to truth under any circumstances, unless of course ye already believe the right thing, in which case having a firmness of mind is pretty good.

3) Wo, wo unto you that are incorrectly flexible or firm depending on your circumstances. Behold, the Lamanites are more reasonable than you, which is ironic considering they are the ones God cursed with the ugly skin.

4) And the time speedily cometh, that if ye do not repent, the Lord shall forget about the justice He promised in the first verse. After all, as supreme ruler of the universe He is under no obligation. And they shall be spared, which is a good thing considering we are suppose to love our enemies. So let's do that.

5) Behold, the Lamanites your brethren, whom God wanted you to hate, because of the cursing which He hath placed upon their skins, which he did because it supposedly makes them ugly unto us, they are more righteous than you; for they have not forgotten the commandment of the Lord that they should have save it were one wife, like the translator of this book, who is obviously already obsessed with this topic, shall do some day.

6) And now, God fucked up. He should be more careful about whom He curseth next time, and make sure they deserve it.

7) Behold, their husbands love their wives, and their wives love their husbands; and their husbands and their wives love their children; and their unbelief is because of their fathers, at no fault of their own. Nevertheless, if ye should repent God shall still rain justice down upon them. That pesky first verse!

8) O my brethren, do not fear God if He is an immoral being. If ye shall become "wicked," then we can make peace with the Lamanites, and God will leave us alone, and them alone, for the spirit cannot work amongst sin. So what if He shall make our skins as black as theirs when we shall be brought with them before the throne of God?

9) Please don't let that happen! The filthiness! The humanity! Give me a break. Like we care.

10) Wherefore, God hath taught that if ye may, because of your example, bring your children unto destruction, then their sins shall be heaped upon your heads at the last day. But this completely contradicts what God said earlier about the Lamanites requiring justice, and it doth violate the claim that men shall be punished for their own sins.

11) O my brethren, hearken unto my words; arouse the logic centers of your brains; shake yourselves that ye may awake from the slumber of belief; and loose yourselves from the pains of guilt and shame that ye may not become drones to the church, to be stripped of your humanity which is the second death.

12) And now I, Jacob, spake many more things unto the people of Nephi, but I'm getting bored of writing it down, so I'll stop.

13) And a hundredth part of the proceedings of this people, which during the span of my lifetime became inexplicably numerous, cannot be written. But the ninety-ninth part can. And we did write them. On those other plates. Ye know, the ones Martin Harris lost.

14) These plates are called the plates of Jacob, but apologists shall agree that they are actually the plates of Nephi. I just decided to call them the plates of Jacob this time because I enjoy referring to myself in the third person. And I make an end of speaking these words. I mean writing these words. I mean just this chapter. Not the end, end. I'm Jacob. That is all.