2 Nephi, Chapter 10

1) And now I, Jacob, having been medically stabilized, speak unto you again, and this time I think I'll discuss Colonial America and U.S. history prior to 1829, because that's a good topic.

2) For behold, our children shall be there, particularly the ones who are descended from those who shall mix their seed with the Lamanites during that time of peace, which doth screw up a lot of our narrative, but don't worry about it too much. Many of our descendants shall become Christians, which shall save them from being killed by the other Christians. Hooray!

3) Wherefore, as I said unto you, it must needs be expedient that Christ should come among the Jews. Wait, did I say Christ? Have I said that name before? Well, last night the angel told me that this should be his name. Honestly, between the last chapter and this one. I told you I would finish speaking unto you on the morrow, and boom! The angel came in the middle of the night and gave me all this new content. Okay, I know I said as I said unto you, and then proceeded to tell you something I could have never told you before, but any imperfections in this book are the imperfections of men, and not typical continuity flaws that are to be expected from a hastily fabricated work of fiction.

4) The Jews in Jerusalem are worse. Think about it! There is none other nation on earth that would crucify their God. Nope, not even the Romans with their crosses!

5) Because of priestcrafts and iniquities, they at Jerusalem still stiffen their necks against him, that he be crucified, and save us all. Fucking Jews.

6) And because they have brought this salvation upon humanity, destructions, famines, pestilences, and bloodshed shall come upon them; for even God is an anti-Semite.

7) But behold, thus saith the Lord God: When the day cometh that they shall believe in me, that I am Christ, then they shall be restored unto the lands of their inheritance, for Palestine shall not still be 15% Jewish in modern times.

8) God just said that last night, apparently, because he used the name Christ.

9) Yea, the kings of the Gentiles shall be their nursing fathers, and queens their nursing mothe... for fuck's sake, stop throwing rotten tomatoes! I like that verse!

10) But behold, this land, saith God, even America, shall be a land of thine inheritance, because I am super-obsessed about land and inheritance rights, almost as if I were a poor boy being driven from farm to farm and from house to house.

11) And this land shall be a land of liberty unto the Gentiles, and there shall be no kings ever, except for the self-declared Mormon ones.

12) And I will fortify this land against immigrants from Mexico, and against Islamic refugees from Syria, for behold they do not count as Gentiles.

13) And he that fighteth again Zion shall perish, saith God. Except of course the United States of America. That Utah War thing doesn't count.

14) For he that raiseth up a king against me shall perish, for I, the Lord, the king of heaven, will be their king, and I will be a perfect example of hypocrisy unto them forever.

15) But Britain will still exist. They won't perish perish. Just kind of perish. Chicken in backpacks. The faithful will understand.

16) Wherefore, the British are murderers, full of secret works of darkness and abominations, and they shall kind of perish; for they are they who are they who are they, who are the whore of all the earth; for they who are they who are not for me are they who are against me, saith our God.

17) But most of the faithful converts after this book shall be published shall be from England. So oops.

18) No offense intended. We love the British. Granted we shall be bitter enemies in the 1700's and early 1800's, but after that we shall become very close friends, and this book shall reflect the general attitudes in the latter-days, not merely a snapshot of the prevalent prejudices in Joseph Smith's time.

19) Wherefore, all that fight against Zion are bad, both Jew and Gentile, both bond and free, both male and female, and this basically covers Mexico, and North Korea, and Nazi Germany, and Japan, and Vietnam, and Iraq, and Al Qaeda, and ISIS, and all those other enemies I didn't know enough about to mention.

20) And I will consecrate this land, and I will have all men that dwell thereon that they shall worship me, said God, for I do not believe in freedom of religion.

21) And now, my nieces and nephews, we are on an island of the sea. Kind of like Asia. And great are the promises of the Lord unto them who are upon the isles of the sea; wherefore as it says isles, there must needs be more than this. Bermuda. Cuba. Jamaica. Oh, Hawaii! I think there are three islands in Hawaii! Costa Rica. And Australia. I think that makes seven islands total, including us.

22) And they all have Jews on them, every last one, for behold, the Lord God hath led people away from time to time from the house of Israel, according to his will and pleasure, and their Hebrew artifacts and inscriptions are scattered everywhere! Ye just need to look hard enough.

23) Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to choose to believe all of this, or be cast off forever and suffer endless misery as your testicles are plucked off with hot pincers and re-attached, over and over again.

24) Your choice, really. Free agency.

25) Wherefore, my nieces and nephews, even though nobody is left in this tent, and ye have all gone away because nobody wants to listen to my gobbledygook any longer, I will continue to speak, for I do enjoy the sound of mine own voice, and even if thou, my last remaining nephew, the one who volunteered to write down all my words, even if thou puttest down thy chisel and walkest away, still I will preach, and like a tree that doth fall in the forest, I will make a sound, and I will never cease...