1 Nephi, Chapter 10

1) And now iNephi proceed to give an account of my reign over my children, and over half of my nieces and nephews, as supreme emperor.

2) But I'm getting ahead of myself.  My father continued to prophesy unto us many marvelous and useless prophecies, for they would be of great and no use unto the gentiles, because notwithstanding they had not yet come to pass, behold they will have already come to pass by the time the gentile shall receive these words.

3) And my father spake, saying that after the Jews shall have been carried away captive into Babylon, that they should return again unto the land of their inheritance, and that we should have been among them, and we should have been destroyed, and we would have been saved because of our righteousness and faith.

4) And after more than two-thousand years from the time that my father left Jerusalem, a prophet would the Lord God raise up among the gentiles, and he shall see a spirit, even an angel, and behold it shall be a multitude of angels, yea verily he shall see the Lord, which is to say he shall see God the Father and Jesus Christ together.

5) And he shall be fifteen years old, or rather in his fifteenth year, which is to say fourteen years old, not to be confused with seventeen, and it shall verily come to pass in the second year after he shall move to Manchester, which is to say three years before that move shall have taken place.

6) And it shall be in a time when all religions are in a lost and excited state, contending one with another, which shall occur in the second year after the prophet moves to Manchester, which shall be in total five years after this vision shall come to pass, and it shall be at this well-documented time.

7) And he shall pray in order to obtain a forgiveness of his sins, which is to say he shall pray to know which church is true, for verily he shall have already figured out prior to this that none of them are right, and he shall be much surprised when he is told that none of them are right.

8) And my father spake concerning the preacher to whom the prophet shall reveal his vision, and also concerning the multitudes of all classes of men from all sects and denominations, and although his neighbors shall speak oft against him throughout his life, yet shall they refuse to provide the slightest memory of these occurrences, and they shall do this in unison, even those who believed in him, including his devoted family, and this that they might discredit him, which is to say because they shall have forgotten about it.

9) And my father said that he should be baptized in Harmony, Pennsylvania, and shall baptize another, and that after they both have already been baptized they should give each other the authority to perform those baptisms in the first place.

10) And this authority shall be given by John the Baptist, and they shall wait five years before telling any of their followers, and it shall be at a time in which it behooveth them to tell it, notwithstanding it shall have already been told.

11) And it came to pass that after my father had spoken these words he spake unto my brethren concerning this book which is written specifically and directly unto the Lamanites, and concerning the dwindling of the Lamanites under genetic scrutiny, even until there is not one of them left that can be positively identified, yet they shall be the target audience, which is to say the gentiles shall be the target audience.

12) Yea, my father even spoke much concerning the Gentiles, and also concerning the house of Israel, that they should be compared like unto an olive tree, whose branches should be broken off, and mixed with branches from all the other trees in a great melting pot.

13) Wherefore, he said it must needs be that we should fulfill the word of the Lord, that the house of Israel should be scattered upon all the face of the earth, except Australia, and Africa, and Japan, and Greenland, and Antarctica of course.

14) And after the house of Israel should be scattered and mixed with all the nations of the Earth, or at least some of them, that they should be gathered together again, like unto putting the blue paint back into the bottle after it hath already been mixed with the yellow and put onto canvass.

15) And after this manner of language did my father preach unto my brethren, which is to say the wicked ones, and they did appear as if they were confused.

16) And my father said he did not think he could make it any clearer.

17) And it came to pass that iNephi understood every word, for behold, verily, I did listen with the heart of my understanding, and did see with the ears of my soul, and did open my bosom that it might be whispered unto, and it was as though it were dark in the lightness, a city on a candlestick that is not ashamed.

18) For God is the same yesterday, today, and post manifesto.

19) For he that seeketh hard enough through obscure passages shall find that the gospel is the same today as in times of old, except for the changes that Jesus, the God of the Old Testament, did make, for verily he doth change.

20) Therefore remember, O man, that the New Testament truly taught us about the three degrees of glory.

21) Wherefore, if ye have lived as a perfect Mormon, albeit nobody is perfect save Jesus, and ye sought to drink caffeinated soda and did not repent, then ye are found unclean before the judgment-seat of God, and no unclean thing can dwell with God; wherefore, ye must be cast into the Terrestrial Kingdom from whence there is no escape.

22) And Ye shall have your testicles torn from your body, and your penises lopped off by a cigar cutter, and your clitorises shall be snipped using a pair of scissors, and your vaginas sewed together and welded shut, for only those in Celestial Glory shall be allowed to procreate in the eternities.