1 Nephi, Chapter 11

1) And after my father had spoken regarding genitals and procreation, I went upon my roof and sat pondering in my heart upon his meaning. And I beheld one of the daughters of Isaac Hale bathing in the nude, and upon her chest I saw an exceedingly high mountain, which I never had before seen, and upon which I never had before set my hand.

2) And the Spirit said unto me: Behold, what desirest thou?

3) And I said: I desire to know where babies come from.

4) And the Spirit said unto me: Believest thou that they come from a stork?

5) And I said: Nay, I believe that they grow on trees, like unto the one my father saw in his dream.

6) And when I had spoken these words, the Spirit laughed with a loud voice, saying: Hosanna to the Lord, the most high God; for naive art thou Nephi! Not only hast thou remained a virgin, but thou hast remained innocent of the more particular workings of the human body! Wherefore, thou shalt behold the things which thou hast desired.

7) And behold, this thing shall be given unto thee for a sign, that after thou hast beheld the woman which shall be tasted, thou shalt also behold a man descending upon her, and the transaction shalt thou witness; and after thou hast witnessed this thou shalt bear record of the birth of their son.

8) And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me: Look! And I looked and beheld a vagina; and the beauty thereof was far beyond, yea, exceeding of all beauty, and the pinkness of the labia did exceed the natural skin tone.

9) And it came to pass after I had seen the labia spread open, I said unto the Spirit: I behold thou hast shown unto me the part which is precious above all.

10) And he said unto me: What desirest thou?

11) And I said unto him: To know the penetration thereof - for I beheld that it it was in the size my penis, and I did desire to feel her on the inside.

12) And it came to pass that he said unto me: Look! And I looked, and behold he had gone from my presence, and I was alone with the daughter of Isaac Hale. And it came to pass that we were in a bedroom, and she was reclined upon her back, and she was in the attitude of rubbing her legs together while she did massage her own breasts.

13) And I parted her legs, and did lick my fingers and insert them gently into her vulva, and I beheld that she was a virgin.

14) And her mouth did open, and her lubrication did appear before me, and she said unto me: Oh, Nephi, what holdest thou?

15) And I said unto her: A virgin, most beautiful and fair above all other virgins.

16) And she said unto me: Knowest thou the cunnilingus of... oh God!

17) And she moaned, for my tongue was already upon a small nodule at the top of her vagina, and I knew that she loved it; nevertheless I did not know what it was.

18) And she said unto me: Hold and play with my breasts, and I did so after the manner of the flesh.

19) And it came to pass that while I rubbed her boobs I made out with her lips that were between her legs, and I beheld that she was carried away in the Spirit, and after she had been carried away with pleasure for the space of a time, she spake unto me, saying: Look!

20) And I looked and beheld that the virgin held my manhood in her hands.

21) And she said unto me: Behold, the iron rod. Knowest thou the meaning of it?

22) And I answered her, saying: Yea, it is to love she who spreadeth herself, a broad, the most desirable above all things.

23) And she spake unto me, saying: Yea, and it is the most joyous to my hole.

24) And after she had said these words, I looked, and I beheld that she had fallen to her knees, and her mouth was upon me, and I beheld her going back and forth.

25) And it came to pass that I beheld that my rod of iron, which was the fountain of life, was about to cum forth into living waters, and I also beheld that she had turned herself around, and she did bend over upon her hands and knees and stuck her ass in the air, presenting herself unto me.

26) And I looked, and beheld through her quivering legs that her breasts were condescended.

27) And I went forth, and I came to pass, and she was baptized of me; and after she was baptized, I beheld her scream, and her mouth was opened wide in exquisite joy, and I beheld the holy cum drip down out of her heavenly slit and abide upon the bed in the form of a dove.

28) And I beheld that my sperm went forth into her uterus, in power and great glory, and the multitudes were gathered together around her egg, and I beheld that one from among them did go down.

29) And I beheld nine months following after this. And it came to pass that she was carried away unto the hospital.

30) And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me again, saying: Look! And I looked, and I beheld her vagina open again, but it was much larger this time, and I saw a baby's head descending out of it.

31) And he spake unto me again, saying: Look! And I looked, and I beheld the doctors going forth among the women of the maternity wing. And I beheld multitudes who were breach, and who were afflicted with all manner of complications, and with nuchal cord and eclampsia, and the angel spake and showed all these things unto me. And they were healed by the power of modern medicine, and thanks to cesarean procedures the children were taken safely out.

32) And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me again, saying: Look! And I looked and beheld the daughter of Isaac, and she did have an epidural and was judged, and I saw and bear record.

33) And iNephi saw that my son was lifted up, and his cord was cut for the world to see.

34) And after he was vaccinated I saw multitudes of the earth, that they were gathered together to fight against the autism-causing toxin-filled death shots, for thus were they called by them, and a very large number were Mormon.

35) And the multitude of the earth was gathered together; and I beheld that they were having sex, one with another in a variety of positions, and they were being safe and using contraceptives. And the angel of the Lord spake unto me again, saying: Behold the world and the wisdom thereof; yeah, behold the wondrous joys that can be had from responsible sexual pragmatism.

36) And it came to pass that I saw and bear record, that the great and wondrous part of the woman's body which I had felt is called the clitoris, and after it rose it fell, and the convulsions thereof were exceedingly great: This is how nations, kindreds, tongues, and people are brought into the Earth. And I beheld that it was far more glorious than growing on a stupid tree.