2 Nephi, Chapter 6

1) The words of Jacob, the brother of Nephi, which he spake unto the people of Nephi that one time:

2) Behold, my nieces and nephews, I, Jacob, having been called by God Almighty to preach unto our little isolated family, having been consecrated by my brother Nephi, just in case you forgot our relation, unto whom ye look as a king even though he declined that title... ah, what the hell, you get the picture. I've gone through this spiel a million times...

3) So let's cut to the chase. My anxiety is great for you. I know you're the righteous ones and chose to follow us instead of Laman, and have willingly come here to Nephi's tent to hear my sermon, but Nephi likes it when I talk all doom and gloom, like the scriptures, so I am here to say that I am afraid that each and every one of you is going to hell.

4) And behold, a nephew of Jacob stood and said, should I write all this down on Nephi's plates? And Jacob nodded, saying, go ahead and start with all those things I have already spoken.

5) And now, for some more Isaiah, because the rest of the Old Testament doesn't matter, and I know how much you kiddos love Isaiah.

6) These are the words: Ahem, Thus saith the Lord God: Behold, I will lift up mine hand to the Gentiles, and set up my standard... and Jacob was interrupted by the nephew who was writing, saying: God, uncle! Not this again! Nephi already copied that verse! See, back here in 1 Nephi 21:22!

7) But Jacob ignored him, and continued, saying: and thy daughters shall be carried upon their shoulders, and kings shall be thy nursing fathers... and he was interrupted again by the nephew, saying: please, uncle! Stop repeating what Nephi already wrote! I know you two are obsessed with that male lactation shit, but it's fucking disturbing!

8) And Jacob ceased reading from Isaiah, but decided to offer up some personal commentary instead, pretending that it was relevant. Behold, the Lord has shown me that those who were at Jerusalem, a place I never saw, have been slain and carried away captive.

9) Nevertheless, the Lord hath shown unto me that they should return again, so whatever, but after a few hundred years the Lord God, or at least His son, shall manifest himself unto them in the flesh; and then they shall scourge him and crucify him. I have this on authority from an angel, who spake it unto me directly.

10) And one of Jacob's nieces rose, and said, but I thought it was the Romans that were going to crucify him, not the Jews. And Jacob answered, saying, what dost thou know? Thou art just a girl. It's the Jews that are going to kill him, and because of this the judgments of the Holy One of Israel shall come upon them for many generations, for God must have His revenge, and there just aren't enough people directly responsible in order to satisfy his vengeance.

11) Wherefore, the Jews shall be driven to and fro, and they shall be scattered, and smitten, and hated, and rounded up, and burned in ovens, and gassed in chambers, and their survivors shall be afflicted in the flesh but not suffered to perish, and this holocaust shall be because of the prayers of the faithful.

12) And blessed are the Gentiles, for if it so be that they are of the Aryan race, and do not have trace amounts of Jewish blood, they shall be saved; for the Lord God will fulfill his promises which he has made unto his children, right here in this book. God's will. Even if it's appalling.

13) And Jacob's own son spake, saying; Father, what does this have to do with any of us? Behold, we are just one family, and are alone, and none of us will ever see more than a couple hundred different human beings in the course of our lives. Why does God care if we know what happens to strangers in distant lands thousands of years from now?

14) And Jacob said; It matters because your cousin is writing it all down, damn it! Some day this shit is going to be read by tens of millions of people, you know.

15) And his son said; It sucks to be them. This sermon is just a bunch of horrific imagery depicting the wrath of God, just like everything else on Nephi's plates. This is not at all uplifting.

16) And Jacob cursed his son, saying; Thou shalt be destroyed, both by fire, and by tempest, and by earthquakes, and by bloodsheds, and by pestilence, and by famine, and thou shalt know that without God, and without threats of violence, thou canst not possibly be a good person.

17) And I shall be delivered, for the Mighty God shall deliver those who believe, and He shall feed thee with thine own flesh, and thou shalt be drunken with thine own blood as with sweet wine, and as thy stomach fills with thine own liver, then thou shalt know that the Lord is thy Savior and thy Redeemer.

18) And his son answered him, saying; Sure dad. Whatever.