2 Nephi, Chapter 30

1) And now, the three of you who are still here in the tent listening to me, I would speak unto you; for I, Nephi, am no longer speaking for God, but I am speaking for myself, which meaneth this chapter is non-doctrinal, but because it shall be canonized ye can be certain that every word is gospel.

2) For behold, I have preached much about the destruction of the Gentiles who do not repent, and the destruction of the Jews who do not accept Christ, but I am going to drop all stereotypes and just say that it mattereth not if ye are a Jew or a Gentile - just repent and accept Christ. That is all I wanted to say. I wish I would have thought of that earlier, for I could have saved much space on these plates which are quickly running out.

3) And now, I would prophesy somewhat more concerning the Jews and the Gen... I mean concerning the people. For that book of which I have spoken, which incidentally is this one, shall come forth, and shall be sealed up, and shall come forth again, and it shall be read by our long lost descendants, the Native Americans.

4) And then the Native Americans shall know that they are descended from the Jews. And then genetic research shall undo all of that, but I don't care.

5) And then the Native Americans shall become Christians, like unto their ancestors, which are us, but do not think that it is odd that I am referring to us as distant ancestors in a speech given in this tent. My mind gets stuck in the future sometimes.

6) The Native Americans shall become white and delightsome. Was that racist? I don't know. Behold, their ugly skin tones shall lighten, and they shall rejoice, for they shall hate the color of their skin. And just as they are on the verge of an official Caucasian classification, their prophet shall change the words of the book to *pure* and delightsome, and their pigmentation shall revert.

7) And the Jews shall flock from Israel to Utah, hoping to become Mormons, and their skin shall also nearly turn white, but after that they shall have never existed, for how many Jews dost thou know that live in Utah?

8) And it shall come to pass that the Earth shall enter a time of unprecedented peace and prosperity, which all the prophets shall have completely missed.

9) And the Lord God won't have any of that, therefore He shall go on another killing spree, and shall smite people with a rod protruding from His mouth, and shall slay the wicked with the breath of his mouth, which thought shall be disturbing unto the children of men.

10) For the time speedily cometh, after that century or two of unprecedented peace, that the Lord God shall segregate his people; and He shall destroy the wicked by balefire, or wildfire, depending on which fantasy series they read.

11) And righteousness shall be the girdle of God's loins. And only the righteous shall see it, therefore those who are not righteous shall believe that God is naked.

12) And then shall God change the physiology of all the animals, and the wolf's teeth shall turn into molars, and the lion's stomach shall divide into four-chambers.

13) And any living thing that is not classified as an animal shall be shit-out-of-luck, and there shall be no natural population controls, and it shall turn into a great clusterfuck.

14) And the cockatrice shall make another appearance in sacred literature, notwithstanding it is a mythical creature that shall be invented in the fourteenth century.

15) Yea verily, the King James translator in 1611 shall choose that word, cockatrice, because he doth not know the original word in Hebrew meaneth viper, or adder. How it shall show up in this text more than two-thousand years before the word or even concept shall exist is anybody's guess, but I am sure God shall have a good reason.

16) Wherefore, all anachronisms shall be made known unto those who exercise faith, believing there must be a good explanation somehow.

17) It is no secret that phrases from this book shall be dead ringers for the King James translation of the Bible. Mormons shall know it, but they shall assume that either Joseph Smith decided it was easier to copy the Bible than look into his hat, or that God wanted the translation to be given that way for some reason.

18) Wherefore, God worketh in mysterious ways, which is to say sometimes he worketh in ways that appear fraudulent and contrived, but who are we to judge the creator of the universe? And now I make an end of my sayings.