1) But, behold, in the last days, or in the days of the Internet, yea, behold all the nations of the Gentiles shall be drunken with beers, and wines, and liquors of various sorts. And I shall start reading from Isaiah again beginning in the middle of a chapter without telling you, but hopefully ye shall be able to figure it out from context.
2) And when that day shall come they shall be visited with a thunderstorm, and there shall be lightning, and earthquakes, and wildfires, but nothing out of the ordinary, and behold, the wicked shall yawn and go about their business.
3) And all the nations that fight against Zion, and that distress her, shall be as unto a hungry man which dreameth, and behold he eateth, but he awaketh and he hath chewed up his pillow; or like unto a man who drinketh before going to bed, and in his dream he pisseth, and suddenly he awaketh and findeth that he hath wet himself.
4) For behold, all ye that do iniquity, that shop on Sundays and watch sitcoms about sex, ye shall be drunken, but not with booze, and the police officer shall not believe you.
5) For behold, the Lord hath poured out upon you the spirit of deep sleep, that ye have closed your eyes and rejected the prophets. In hindsight the Lord realizeth He probably shouldn't have done that, but it is what it is.
6) And now for the next nineteen verses I shall add content to Isaiah that wasn't in the original, for behold, Isaiah did not do a good job explaining how cool this next event is. What these words have to do with you, O Nephites, I can not say, but they shall be of great importance unto those who shall receive them just a few months too late to qualify as a valid prophecy. Darn.
7) Behold, there shall be a book, and because Isaiah said it shall be sealed, I suppose he must be right, even though I have never heretofore described the sealed portion. Therefore I shall change my narrative and from now on the golden plates shall be described as having a seal around a third of them. I like where this is going.
8) Wherefore, the sealed portion shall contain great mysteries that shall not be delivered in 1830, or any time during Joseph Smith's life despite his promises, but they shall later be revealed by Christopher Nemelka Smith.
9) And it is verily easier to use proper names as opposed to "a man." This prophecy is already unreasonably specific, so it mattereth not. Behold, Joseph Smith shall copy some of the characters from the plates onto a single sheet of paper, and shall give them unto Martin Harris, and Martin Harris shall take them unto the celebrated professor Charles Anthon.
10) And even though Charles Anthon shall deny many of these details in no less than two letters that shall be published for the world, I shall go ahead and tell you exactly what shall take place in that meeting anyway, for my side of the story fits better with these Isaiah verses, which originally were two, but now are nineteen.
11) Charles Anthon shall not immediately recognize the transcript as a hoax, and he shall not begin to ask Martin Harris probing questions about its origins. He shall not immediately see through the absurdities in Martin Harris' answers, and he shall not try to warn Harris that he is certainly the victim of a plot to rob him of his money. Those shall all be lies that Anthon shall make up to cover up the real story of what shall have happened, which is this:
12) At that day when the book shall be delivered unto the man of whom I have spoken, the book shall be so secret that nobody but Smith and Smith alone shall be allowed to see it, not even Martin Harris after exercising an absurd degree of faith.
13) Not even Smith's wife, or his mother, or his fully believing father shall be allowed to see the book. Emma shall have to dust around the damn thing without uncovering it, for the Lord doth like it when women dust the table, and He hath a serious problem when people of faith look at things that are physical and real and not made up at all. Nevertheless, He shall allow a few witnesses to see the book with their spiritual eyes.
14) Wherefore, the Lord shall command Smith to make a copy of some of the characters, which shall be tantamount to showing the plates, but because these characters shall be written in ink upon a normal sheet of paper, and not engraved on an authentic plate by an ancient man who went to great lengths to preserve it, that shall make it okay for everyone to see them.
15) And Smith shall also provide a translation of the characters into English, according to the canonized account which Joseph Smith himself shall write, which shall not contain any lies whatsoever, notwithstanding David Whitmer, Joseph Knight, Lucy Smith, Charles Anthon, and even Martin Harris shall all agree that it shall just be a copy of the characters and no translation into English shall be included.
16) And Charles Anthon, because he is a haughty, wicked man, shall say the characters are truly a combination of Egyptian, Arabic, Chinese, and Klingon, and he shall write this glowing endorsement in an affidavit for Joseph Smith. He shall not say in this affidavit that the letters are merely an imitation of English alphabet letters in hopes that the perpetrator of the con will catch that he is on to him. That would be haughty and wicked and out of character for Charles Anthon.
17) The affidavit shall say that they are actual, true characters, meaning that they are truly written upon an actual piece of paper.
18) And Anthon shall say, bring me the actual real book, and Harris shall say, I cannot, for it is actually sealed, even though in reality only a portion of it is sealed, and thus it maketh no sense for Harris to have used that choice of words.
19) Then verily it shall come to pass that Anthon, quoting these ancient scriptures almost verbatim, shall say, I cannot read a sealed book. If any of this doth not make sense, some of the details shall be cleaned up in the canonized account, which shall be written nine years later.
20) Then shall the affidavit be torn to pieces, and Martin Harris shall return to Joseph Smith claiming that the professor admitted that the characters were genuinely written upon an actual piece of paper, but that once he learned that it is a religious plot to bilk Martin of 3,000 dollars in 1829 money, well, then Anthon shall have decided that the truly genuine characters aren't actually genuinely true or real anymore,
21) Notwithstanding the paper upon which the characters shall be written shall survive into modern times, certified by David Whitmer, and shall be shown in multiple church publications, and the characters shall be examined by hundreds of historians and many of the world's top scholars of antiquity,
22) And none of them shall be able to make heads or tails of the scrawls, much less identify them with any known writing system, such as Egyptian, Arabic, Chinese, or Klingon.
23) But behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that it mattereth not if their church's history is convoluted. All that mattereth is that the children of men feel good, or at the very least numb, while reading the Book of Mormon, and exercise faith in its authenticity.
24) Joseph Smith shall be the only one who can translate the characters, and he shall do it using some means heretofore unknown, notwithstanding it shall be described by him as a literal translation. And not only that, but all of these past nineteen verses shall also be revealed unto him using this exact same method, since all of this is part of that book that I am talking about right now.
25) Forasmuch as this people believeth Joseph Smith's side of this story they shall be saved in the Celestial Kingdom, but if they believe Charles Anthon they shall be thrust out, for Joseph Smith is the official gatekeeper of heaven. Not Charles Anthon.
26) Therefore, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, yea, a marvelous work and a wonder, for the wisdom of the trained professional shall fall flat on its face, and so shall every prophet after Joseph Smith.
27) Wo unto them who cannot translate a goddamned thing! All their works are in a committee; and they say: What doth the latest survey indicate? And they also say: Which policy shall we implement? Behold, I will show unto them, saith the Lord of Hosts, that only Joseph Smith can receive revelation and produce new scriptures on a whim. The rest of the prophets are left to use their own judgment.
28) Behold, they shall fear the scholars of the world who investigate all their claims, therefore they speak as with the voice of a lawyer, notwithstanding their founding prophet is above reproach.
29) And in that day shall the deaf hear the words of the book, notwithstanding they can see it just fine.
30) And the church historians shall publish the Anthon transcript in the Joseph Smith Paper Project, and most believing members shall not know that it exists.
31) But to the apologist who knoweth about it there is no problem, for behold, Mark Hoffman shall have created a forgery of it that better aligns with Charles Anthon's description, and if he can forge the document, then so can David Whitmer.
32) And the critics of the church are merely offended, and lay a snare for the innocent believers with their hateful questions, and turn aside from the truth that the Book of Mormon was actually translated from an ancient set of gold plates, which were actually written in Reformed Egyptian, the language that Nephi's dad made up.
33) Therefore, thus saith the Lord, who redeemed Abraham, concerning those doubters and skeptics, they should be ashamed of themselves! Yea, their faces should wax pale in humiliation!
34) When they get to heaven and discover that the Book of Mormon actually is a true document translated from ancient characters about an ancient people who mysteriously vanished from the archaeological record, they shall be sorry.
35) But it shall be too late. They erred when they noticed the inconsistencies in the historical record and failed to harmonize them with official doctrine.
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