2) And despite having lived in a remote part of the world without safety implementations and access to pharmaceuticals, we did still manage to achieve a life expectancy of about eighty, whilst the rest of the world was lingering around twenty or thirty, and this did explain why we never mentioned anybody dying young in this book. And behold, Nephi, getting close to that life expectancy, gave me, Jacob, the plates, and told me to keep writing stuff.
3) But he gave me strict commandments not to repeat anything that was written in that other part that shall be lost by Martin Harris. He was very insistent.
4) And he said, if there are any revelations which are great, you should engraven the heads of them upon these plates. But I did not know what he meant by that, so, seeing as I thought my penis was pretty great, and that it had a head, I did engraven it upon the plates.
5) And I called it Captain Fucktittle, and the teenagers in our village thought that was pretty funny.
6) And I did not tell Nephi what I was writing in his book, for he is an old fuddy duddy, and doth not approve of the use of the F-word. Therefore it shall be our little secret, O reader.
7) Wherefore I labored diligently to make it appear unto Nephi that I was persuading people to come unto Christ, and partake of the lameness of God, but when he wasn't around we all got naked and danced around the fire.
8) Wherefore, we would to God that Nephi not discover our secret rebellion, to provoke him to anger, but that he die in peace with his delusions, and suffer not himself to bear the shame of our authentic selves; wherefore, I, Jacob, take it upon me to write what really happened among our people.
9) Now Nephi began to be old, and I having let an F-bomb slip over dinner, and seeing our grandchildren begin to snicker under the table, I saw that Nephi was about to die of horror.
10) Now don't get me wrong, we loved Nephi, he having been so adorable, having wielded the ornamental sword of Laban in our wars against the Lamanites, which wars did still not manage to bring down our life expectancy.
11) Nevertheless, I decided to tell Nephi the truth, that we had started calling him Captain Fucktittle behind his back. And whoso should reign in his stead after his death would be called by the people, second Captain Fucktittle, third Captain Fucktittle, and so forth, let them be of whatever name they would. And all the grandchildren laughed.
12) And it came to pass that Nephi died.
13) Now the people which were not Lamanites were Nephites, nevertheless, they were called Nephites, Jacobites, Josephites, Zoramites, Lamanites, Lemuelites, and Ishmaelites, but there were no Samites even though Lehi prophesied that Sam would have posterity back in 2 Nephi 4:11. I digress...
14) And second Captain Fucktittle did take command, but I shall not hereafter distinguish the kings by that naming system I just described, for I just realized how confusing that would be.
15) And now it came to pass that the people of Nephi, under the reign of the second king, began to indulge themselves somewhat in kinky practices, such as David and Solomon of old desiring many whores and mistresses, even though Joseph Smith shall one day receive revelation that this was okay.
16) Yea, and they also began to search much gold and silver, and began to use peep stones.
17) Wherefore I, Jacob, gave unto them these words as I taught them in the temple, having received the endowment ceremony from the Lord:
18) Health in the navel, marrow in the bones, strength in the loins and in the sinews, power in the Priesthood be upon me and upon my posterity through all generations of time and throughout all eternity.
19) And they did take the part about strength in the loins seriously, and threw out the rest. And this did give me an idea, therefore, I did take up the mantle of my office unto the Lord, and did begin to preach unto the people, that their sheets would not be found spotless at the last day:
18) Health in the navel, marrow in the bones, strength in the loins and in the sinews, power in the Priesthood be upon me and upon my posterity through all generations of time and throughout all eternity.
19) And they did take the part about strength in the loins seriously, and threw out the rest. And this did give me an idea, therefore, I did take up the mantle of my office unto the Lord, and did begin to preach unto the people, that their sheets would not be found spotless at the last day:
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