1 Nephi, Chapter 2

1) For behold, it came to pass that the Lord Yahweh appeared unto my father in a dream and was verily pleased that he had condemned our neighbors, for if he had not done so the Lord would not have been justified in commanding his obedient heathen nations to fall upon them with the sword.

2) And it came to pass that the Lord said unto my father, get the hell out of there, for Babylon soon cometh to lay siege on Jerusalem, and after Jerusalem shall be occupied, Babylon shall establish a puppet ruler over it, and his name shall be Zedekiah.

3) And my father did say unto the Lord, but Zedekiah is already the Babylonian puppet king, for I just said in the last chapter that this is the first year of his reign, so Jerusalem hath just been sacked, like, less than a year ago.

4) And the Lord was wroth, and did berate my father, and did accuse him of not doing enough research before writing Bible fanfiction, but I did not understand his words for they were strange unto me. Nevertheless, the Lord did inform my father that he was actually referring to the fall of Jerusalem ten years later, after it shall be that Zedekiah shall revolt against his Babylonian overlords.

5) And my father did go up to the king, and said unto him; hey, ten years from now you’re going to want to enter into an alliance with Egypt in direct rebellion against Babylon against the protests of Jeremiah, Jehoiakim, and Baruch ben Neriah, which will lead to our invasion and eventual downfall, but when that happens, don’t do it.

6) And then my father called it good, gathered our things, and we ran for it, and we did forget our cell phone chargers so speedy was our flight. And after we had journeyed for the space of three days we came unto the borders of the Red Sea, a distance of two hundred miles, and I was sore amazed at our speed!

7) And my father built an altar of stones, and with a sharp rock he had found in the sand did cut the throat of a sheep, and it did bleat exceedingly, and its blood did run down the sides of the altar and pooled upon the ground, and it did convulse with great convulsions until in agony it rolled its eyes back and died, and the Lord was pleased.

8) And my father did name the river Laman, and the fact that there was water within the river was remarkable, for the Arabian peninsula doth not have perennial rivers like unto Upstate New York, but rather dry washes. Nevertheless, a major storm had just passed through, and we were exceedingly blessed in this.

9) And my father spake unto my oldest brother, Alvin, saying: O that thou mightest be like unto this river, a fountain of life continually flowing, which is to say rarely flowing, for those sacred powers must never be tampered with!

10) And he also spake unto Hyrum: O that thou mightest be like unto this factory, little, but firm and erect, and immovable in thy restraint!

11) Now this he spake because my brothers were masturbaters. Yea, they did touch themselves, and sometimes not while peeing, and my father was sorely grieved because of their stiffcockedness, notwithstanding they were good young men who treated others with dignity and respect, but behold they had not respect for their own bodies, and they did refuse to tie their hands to the bedpost at night.

12) And thus they did as they pleased, and my father murmured that their issue was the reason the river kept flowing even though it was supposed to be dry most of the year.

13) And my brothers did murmur, for they had been caused to leave behind their girlfriends, nevertheless the did believe that Jerusalem, that great city, could be destroyed by Babylon, for behold they had just witnessed it happen less than a year ago.

14) And when my brothers did point out that it was strange that nobody else in Jerusalem would believe that Jerusalem could fall, considering it had just fallen less than a year ago, my father was wroth, and did yell at my brothers for their lack of faith, yea, and he did scream and shout until his face was blue and they had been reprimanded with a sore reprimandment, telling them that the reason they could not take the scriptures on faith was because of their masturbation habits.

15) And my father went into his tent and closed the flap.

16) And it came to pass that iNephi, being of pubescent age, nevertheless being large in stature, if thou knowest what I mean, and having great desires to repress my sexuality, I did pray and sing hymns and read the scriptures until I was bored, and the Lord did soften my member that I did not commit the greatest sin next to murder, like unto my brothers.

17) And I also spoke unto my brother Sam Harrison, telling him that if he had faith, God would give unto him a wet dream. And it came to pass that he believed in my words.

18) But behold, Alvin and Hyrum, that is to say Laman and Lemuel, would not hearken unto my words, and being grieved because of their hardness and difference of belief, I cried over them, for I did not desire that they be destroyed, but I loved my God more than I loved them, and I knew that my God wanted them destroyed, so I verily chose my side.

19) And the Lord spake unto me saying: blessed art thou, Nephi, because thou hast chosen me over thy family, even though thou canst not know for certain that I exist.

20) And because of this thing I shall cause thee to prosper, and if thou dost not prosper for a season it is because I am giving unto thee a trial to make thee stronger.

21) And inasmuch as thy brethren rebel, they shall not prosper, but in their case that shall be a curse rather than a trial.

22) And thou shalt be better than they, because thou dost believe in the correct traditions, and thou shalt teach thy brethren the difference between happiness and counterfeit happiness.

23) For if they should prosper for a season it shall be worldly pleasure rather than a blessing, and thou and thy seed must not be infected by their counterfeit happiness.

24) And thou must remember to always judge them for their life choices, and teach this judgment unto thy children from generation to generation, for this is the only way to show unto them godly love, and it will be a blessing unto thy seed forever.