Tuesday, December 15, 2015

2 Nephi, Chapter 21

1) And there shall come forth out of the lay congregation a bishop, and a ward shall depend upon his leadership.

2) And the Spirit of discernment shall rest upon him, and although he shall not have received any sort of training for his position, he shall dispense marital advice and recommend single mothers to give up their children for adoption in wisdom.

3) And the Lord shall make him of quick understanding; and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears, but instead shall rely upon the feelings of his heart.

4) With righteousness shall he give aid unto the poor, so long as they have already paid a full tithe, and if he shall make any mistakes that fuck with people's lives, they are the mistakes of man.

5) Nevertheless ye shall be required to follow and sustain him if ye want your temple recommends, and if ye want to be worthy of the Celestial Kingdom.

6) Because we live in a perfect world where our leaders should always be trusted. Yea, being childlike and submissive is nigh unto perfection. Therefore, during the Millennium we shall put our children in charge of everything. Problem solved.

7) And the wolf and the leopard shall lie down with the lamb, and starve to death, for their biology can not support a vegan lifestyle.

8) And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and cause it to collapse, killing the poor serpent and all its eggs, for the snake will not be allowed to defend itself in those days.

9) Animals shall not hurt or eat meat in all the lands and the seas, for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord, and the ecosystems shall collapse under the weight of a million broken food chains.

10) But fuck bacteria. Kill it as ye wish.

11) And it shall come to pass that the Lord shall set the example by murdering one third of all living things. You know, in preparation.

12) And he shall set up a non-profit organization with several for-profit extensions, and shall gather the dispersed of Judah from the four corners of the earth, notwithstanding the earth is a spheroid.

13) And the rivalry between Ephraim and Judah shall wane, and in fact shall not even be a thing ever again after a hundred years or so from now.

14) But I thought that would still be important to mention, because of current events and all. And if ye are reading this in the future, beyond the time in which I am living, just liken these scriptures unto your selves somehow, okay?

15) And Ephraim and Judah, the remaining two tribes, will join forces, and conquer all the other nations, and the Lord will lay waste before them, cutting down babies and the like. And there shall be a highway of the Lord's people that fills the land from Zion in the south to Cache Valley in the north, and it shall be called the Morridor.

16) Because the Lord likes it when his people conquer and destroy other nations, but doth not approve when those nations do the same to them.


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