1 Nephi, Chapter 22

1) And now it came to pass that after iNephi had read these things which were engraven upon the plates of brass, my brethren came unto me and said unto me: Why is it that the things thou hast read unto us are the exact same as the King James Translation of the Bible, word for word?  Behold, is it possible that the specific word choice could remain undefiled through countless rudimentary transcriptions and translations by wicked men, only to end up in the exact language as one specific English translation in 1611?  Yea, and English the language doesn't even remotely exist yet, for the Celts in the British Isles still speak Common Brittonic.  This doth seem truly weird.

2) And iNephi said unto them: Behold they were manifest unto the prophet by the spirit of revelation, for by the spirit are all things made known unto the prophets, and we can't even be certain if he translated them or if he "translated" them, for behold the quotation marks make all the difference.  We cannot comprehend why God might choose to reveal the book in this way except that it must be for our benefit somehow.

3) Nevertheless it is a literal translation, for the witnesses shall say that the prophet reads the words in his peep stone like unto a book, and he shall instruct his scribes in the exact spelling, and when their transcription is wrong he doth correct them, and shall not allow even minor changes to be made for the initial typesetting, and verily he shall tell everyone that it is a literal translation.  But we know it must be a spiritual translation, and this seeming contradiction is not, in fact, a contradiction, and it can only be understood through the spirit - which is a literal being notwithstanding it is supernatural.  Do ye see the difference?

4) And behold, there are many who are already lost from the church who believe that these inconsistencies prove the prophet is false.  Yea, and tens of thousands resign each year, and far more are led away into inactivity, and whether they have a testimony or not none of us knoweth, save that we know they no longer attend services.

5) And since they have been led away they have begun to drink of the forbidden beverages, such as coffee and tea, claiming they are not harmful and pointing to science, yea, and they do even claim that Coke is bad for one's health because of the sugar, and not the caffeine, even though the church doth distance itself from specifically denouncing caffeine as a substance.

6) Nevertheless, after they shall be love-bombed by the faithful, the Lord shall lift up his hand and smite it upon their cheeks, and they shall be cast off from fellowship, and shall lose their employment, and their homes, and their children shall be carried in their arms, and their daughters upon their shoulders.  Behold, this is literal.  This is not spiritual or figurative, but is a temporal punishment for making the wrong spiritual choices.

7) And it meaneth that the time cometh that after the Lord God hath raised up a mighty nation among the Gentiles, yea, even upon the face of this land, not some land to the north, nay, but right here in Greater Appalachia, yea it shall mean that this great nation hath become corrupt and is ripe for destruction.

8) For after the Lord hath done a marvelous work among the Gentiles, they shall begin to believe that their nation is secular, not theocratic, and many shall be led away into the dark paths of secularism and - (shudder) - moral relativism.

9) But this new religious movement shall go unto our seed, the native americas, making known the truth of their ancestors, or at least a small portion of their ancestors, and many shall accept it since it was written directly to them, notwithstanding almost none of them shall accept it.

10) And I would, my brethren, that ye should know that all the kindreds of the earth cannot accept these words unless they shall make bare their minds, and the native american nations are too smart for that.

11) Wherefore, the Lord God will proceed to make bare his fist in bringing about his temple covenants unto those who are already in the church, and he shall instruct them in the doctrine of blood atonement, and this because they need to be kept in line.

12) Wherefore, he will bring them out of Illinois, and they shall be gathered together unto the land of Deseret, and shall build cities, and shall have tense but peaceful relations with our descendants, the natives, but they shall treat passing settlers with hostility.

13) And the blood of the Baker-Fancher party, which they shall falsely accuse of murdering the prophets, shall flow through the place known as Mountain Meadows, and they shall have been taught violence from Brigham Young, their prophet, who shall have made them swear an oath to avenge the blood of Joseph Smith, and they shall disguise themselves as natives, with painted faces and feather headdresses, and the guns in their hands shall blow holes through the heads of 120 men, women, and children, and they shall permit only children under the age of 8 to live, and they shall adopt them and raise them as Mormons.

14) And the nation of the United States shall be displeased with their theocratic system, and their corruption, and their polygamy, and their oaths of disloyalty, and they shall war against the saints in Deseret, and they shall march, and shall fall into ambushes set by the Mormon Battalion and the Danites, and their supply lines shall be cut off, and they shall be harassed, and their animals shall be scattered by night, and the fields burned before them, and all that fight against Zion shall be greatly annoyed, and that great and discouraged nation shall relent and offer the Mormons a full pardon, for it shall truly just not be worth it.

15) For behold, saith the prophet Brigham Young, the time cometh speedily that the church shall be free from territorial and cultural restrictions, and shall be allowed to live the law of blood atonement, which is that those who commit sins such as adultery, covenant breaking, apostasy, and mixed-race marriage, shall have their throats cut from ear to ear and their blood spilled upon the ground as a smoking incense unto the Almighty, who can only forgive them by these means.

16) And to kill someone is truly an act of love, for thus saith the prophet Brigham Young unto the church during this war, he hath no wife whom he loveth so well that he would not put a javelin through her heart, and he would do it with clean hands.

17) Wherefore, he will preserve the church by these teachings, even if it so be that some are murdered from time to time, even unto their destruction by massacre.  Wherefore, the righteous need not fear; for thus saith the prophet, they shall be saved, even if it so be by spilt blood.

18) Behold, my brethren, I say unto you, that these things must shortly come; yea, even blood, and fire, and vapor of smoke must come; and it must needs be upon the face of this earth; and it cometh unto men according to the flesh, literally, not figuratively, and behold, can ye read these words and not rejoice?

19) For behold, the Lord shall cut off the testicles of thine enemies, and this because of his perfect love.

20) And the Lord will surely lead these people to Utah, like unto Moses, to whom he spake, saying: Another prophet shall the Lord your God raise up in America, like unto me, him shall ye fear, and it shall come to pass that all those who will not hear that prophet shall be sent away, and the Danites shall follow them, and they shall never be heard from again.

21) And now iNephi declare unto you, that this prophet of whom Moses spake was the governor of Utah Territory, wherefore, he shall execute traitors in righteousness.

22) And the whites need not fear, for they are those who shall be granted government and church positions.  But it is the blacks that can not receive the priesthood, nor can they receive the ordinances of the temple, or be sealed for eternity to their loved ones, and they can not even hold any civic position in their community, for the governor and prophet of God doth verily forbid it.

23) For the time speedily shall come that all churches which are built up to get gain, and all those who are built up to get power over the flesh, and those who are built up to become popular in the eyes of the world, and those who seek the lusts of the flesh and the things of the world, and to do all manner of iniquity... yea... verily... in fine... you know what, that doth sound like a good idea now that I've written down.  I think I'll do that; and this is according to the words of the prophet Joseph Smith.

24) And the time cometh speedily that the righteous women must be led up as heifers to his bedroom, and the prophet must reign over the church in dominion, and might, and power, and great glory.

25) And he gathereth the saints from the five thirds of the earth; and he numbereth his sheeple, and they know him, and there shall be one fold and many splinter groups, and he shall fuck his sheep, and in them he shall find pleasure.

26) And because of the naivete of his people, reason hath no power; wherefore, the prophet shall be loosed for the space of many years, for he shall have power over the hearts of the people until social and political powers force the church to change.

27) And now behold, iNephi say unto you that all these things must come, for verily it doth say so right here in this book.

28) But behold, these people shall dwell safely in Utah until they become infected by secular culture, and then shall they change, and their church will become unrecognizable to those who started it in the first place, should they have lived to see the day.

29) And now iNephi make an end; for I durst not speak further as yet in case the Strengthening Church Members Committee is listening.

30) Wherefore, my brethren, I would that ye should consider that the things in this book are true, and if ye can not believe it, then at least be obedient to the commandments of God and feign belief, for the consequences of having made known your doubts are truly grievous.

31) Wherefore, ye need not suppose that ye are the only ones who doubt this utter tapirshit, but if ye shall be obedient to the commandments, and pretend to the end, ye shall be allowed to live in peace.  And thus it is.  Amen.