1 Nephi, Chapter 21

1) And again: Hearken, O ye gentiles in the last days... ish... who are driven out because of the pastors, an odd phrase for the Old Testament, I know, but trust that it doth belong in this part of Isaiah.  Listen, oh Missionary Training Center, for ye have been called from the womb, which is to say your mother's bowels, for verily she did shit you out like a piece of excrement.

2) For she hath made your father's sword sharp with her mouth, in the shadow of her legs hath she hid him, and in her quiver hath she polished his shaft.

3) Thou art the church's servants, in whom it hath expanded its tithing base.

4) And if ye shall leave the church, ye shall say, I have labored in vain!  I have spent my strength for naught and turned a potentially cultural experience into a proselytizing waste!  Surely I have ruined the lives of the people I did baptize!

5) I was brainwashed since the day I was born to be a servant, to bring people into the gospel, And I did feel a burning within my bosom as I did sing and proclaim I Hope they Call Me on a Mission, expecting that I should perform great miracles for the Lord, which did not come to pass.

6) But behold, it is a light thing that ye should be our servants, for it doth not cost us anything, and ye are volunteers, notwithstanding ye have been brainwashed, therefore we do not have to give you any health care, and we shall sweep your deaths and injuries under the rug, that your families and the other prospective missionaries may believe that ye are protected by the Lord, and thus we shall expand our church unto the ends of the earth.

7) Thus saith the Lord, to ye whom homeowners despise, whom dogs hate, and whom the inactive member abhorreth, to servants of the mission president's every whim, Kings shall see you, presidents shall arise, and they shall rue the day they ever let us into their borders.

8) Thus saith the Lord: In a time of religious freedom I have allowed frauds to thrive, for the claim of religious belief doth allow us to perform all manner of abuses, and to avoid paying any taxes.

9) Instead of going to prison, ye shall go forth to all nations and them that sit in the isles of the sea, and preach falsehoods that are proven.  Thy investigators shall feed upon the correlated material, and from their bank accounts shall be a steady stream flowing forth continually unto Salt Lake City.

10) They shall hunger and thirst, and they shall have not enough income to pay their bills and feed their children, yet shall they be required to pay ten percent of their gross income to this church, which is tax-exempt and doth not divulge its finances, and this is okay because if they pay us willingly they shall be fed and clothed by the other members of the church.  Probably.

11) And the Lord shall raze mountains and raise highways before you, O missionaries, and this shall be pretty good proof of your supernatural ability should any of you manage to capture it on film.  Seriously.  Film it.  That would very much help our cause.

12) Ye shall come from the north, and from the west, depending on the perspective of your relative position, basically from Provo, and ye shall travel wherever we send you.

13) Sing, O missionaries!  For behold this fireside is growing dull, and we have need of a musical number to keep the level of enthusiasm sufficiently high, for we know we are boring as fuck.

14) Behold, ye have forsaken your families, and your friends, and your electronic devices, and your sweethearts, but we have watched the fences and know that some of you have not.

15) For can a woman forget the boyfriend sucking on her tits, that he should have passion within her womb?  Yea, she may forget, yet will I not forget, O missionaries, and I will grill you every day until you confess.

16) Behold, I have graven you in my records.  Your names are continually before me. Every night before I lay down I pray that you will break under the pressure, that we may use this to refashion you according to our purposes.

17) Yea, our worthiness interviews will destroy you, and our untenable rules shall come before everything else in life and lay waste unto you.

18) Lift up your eyes round about and behold; all these missionaries gathered together within these walls, from which none of you will escape until we tell you.  As I live, saith the Lord, ye shall surely clothe yourselves with this business dress, and with a nametag, and bind them to your shirts as a horny bride.

19) And you will go where we tell you, when we tell you, even to the most desolate places, yea, the land of your psychological destruction which shall swallow thee up.

20) The children whom ye shalt have, after ye shall return home, shall be ashamed of you if you don't.

21) And ye shall say in your hearts: Why have I begotten so many children?  Is it because I was taught that it was the will of the Lord, notwithstanding I could not bring up so many?  Behold, even if I have left the church, I am a captive of the choices I made because of it, and therefore I can not leave it alone.

22) Thus saith the Lord God: Behold, after you die I will take your spouse, your sons in my arms, and your daughters carried upon my shoulders, and I shall remove them from you and give them unto another who is more worthy than you.

23) For this is my doctrine.  Your wife will be given to another man who already has twenty-seven other wives, and his male nipples shall begin to lactate, insomuch that he shall become a nursing father, and you shall exclaim, holy fuck that's some weird-ass shit!  And ye shall lick it up from the dust beneath their feet.

24) For shall the prey be taken from the mighty?  Yea, ye are like the lion who hath lost the battle for dominance over the harem, and your wife's opinion isn't worth a damn.

25) For thus saith the Lord, every person who doth not make it to the celestial kingdom shall be ripped from their family, even the mighty shall be taken away from their loved ones, for I, God, will contend with them that contend with me on this issue, and I will save only those members of your family who are worthy of it.

26) And after I have separated you from your family, I shall strip you of all your earthly possessions, and concentrate you into special camps with others of your kind, and there shall be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth, and ye shall work, and after ye have been beaten and starved near unto death, I shall command you to take a shower, and ye shall strip off all your clothes, and enter into a special chamber, and there the gas will be released, and the last thing ye shall know before ye die shall be your burning eyeballs melting down the side of your face, and your lungs turned inside-out in front of your mouth, and this because I am a just and a loving God who is always right.