Mosiah, Chapter 11

1) And now it came to pass that Zeniff, being a sound judge of character, conferred the kingdom upon Noah, one of his sons; therefore Noah began to reign in his stead; but he did not walk in the ways of his father.

2) For behold, rather than commit massacres upon the Lamanites, he did opt to establish free love among his own people, yea, and by legalizing extramarital sex he did cause his people to commit the third most grievous sin.

3) And he laid a flat tax of 20%, which was burdensome to the very poor, but the people had not yet developed the idea of a graduate tax, therefore it was reasonable. However, the people had grown accustomed to Zeniff's 15% rate, and were grieved to surrender an entire fifth part of their gold, and of their silver, and of their copper, and brass, and iron, and ziff. They were particularly miffed about the ziff.

4) And all this, every last senine, did Noah take to support himself, and his wives and his concubines; and also his priests, and their wives and their concubines; thus he had cut all spending for the border patrols his father used to finance.

5) For he put down all the priests that had been consecrated by his father, because they did not approve of his spending plan, and consecrated new and far more expensive priests in their steads.

6) Yea, and thus was the spending plan simplified to only include one line item - administrative compensation; thus did the people labor exceedingly to support the few at the top.

7) However, they did not seem to mind so much, because they were deceived by the vain and flattering words of the king and priests; for they did speak complimentary and flattering things unto them, insomuch that the people were quite happy.

8) And it came to pass that king Noah built many elegant and spacious public buildings; and he ornamented them with fine works of wood, and of all manner of precious things, of gold, and of silver, and of iron, and of brass, and of copper, and especially of ziff.

9) And he also built him a spacious palace with a throne in which he could conduct public hearings, and the throne was ornamented with gold, and with silver, and with precious things like ziff.

10) And he also caused that his workmen should work all manner of fine work on the temple, of bronze statues, and of elaborate paintings, and of brass oxen, and of crystal chandeliers, which was actually a waste of resources, but at least it did not contain any ziff, for verily they had run out.

11) And the seats which were set apart for the high priests were especially wasteful, for he did cause them to be complemented by cushions, and by armrests, and by footstools. And behold, because of these ergonomic features they had truly ripened in iniquity!

12) And it came to pass that he built a tower near the temple; yea, a very high tower, much like King Benjamin's, and it was so high that he could stand upon the top thereof and overlook the land of Shilom, and also the land of Shemlon, and he could see the Lamanites approaching from any direction, which was quite useful as a defensive measure.

13) And it came to pass that he caused many buildings to be built in the land Shilom, of various uses, including a great tower on the hill north of the land Shilom, which was where the Lamanites invaded in the last chapter, another good vantage point, and this greatly reduced the number of patrols required to keep watch over the land, thus freeing up resources to go into other projects.

14) And it came to pass that he constructed all these buildings and temples and towers throughout the land without any funding whatsoever, for it had already been established that he was routing all the tax money to himself and his priests; therefore the people were verily impressed with his managerial skills and fiscal prowess, thus they did admit that he deserved his compensation, for everyone was reaping the rewards.

15) And it came to pass that he planted vineyards round about in the land; and he built wine-presses, and made wine in abundance for himself and all his people; and therefore he did establish another great and useful industry, especially considering the pathogens that had begun to become abundant in the water supply.

16) And it came to pass that the Lamanites began to come in upon his people in small raiding parties, and to slay them in their fields, and while they were tending their flocks.

17) And king Noah sent guards round about the land to keep them off, which was great and all, but he did not send a sufficient number, and the Lamanites came upon them and killed them.

18) But king Noah quickly reassessed the situation and sent a larger army against them, and they were driven back. Wait, no, scratch that, I meant to say they drove them back - you know what I mean - but only for a time; therefore they returned rejoicing in their spoil, which is to say their own lands.

19) And now, at this point ye may be thinking that king Noah was actually doing a pretty decent job running the kingdom, building the economy, and protecting his people from threats, but let us not forgot the free love thing.

20) Therefore, it came to pass that there was a man among them whose name was Abinadi; and he went forth among them, saying: Behold, thus saith the Lord, Go forth, and say unto this people, thus saith the Lord, go forth, and say unto this people, thus saith the Lord, go forth, and say unto this people...

21) Except they repent and turn away from their shameless sexuality, and go back to massacring the Lamanites with my endorsement, behold, I will deliver them into the hands of their enemies; yea, and they shall suffer torture, and bondage, and all manner of terrible things.

22) And it shall come to pass that they shall know that I, the Lord their God, am a hypocritical God, for I am jealous, and vengeful, and unforgiving, and I have sex with millions of spirit wives and concubines every day just to keep this planet populated.

23) And they shall not be able to do anything about it, for I am omnipotent, and they are not.

24) Yea, and it shall come to pass that when they shall cry unto me I will put my fingers in my ears and I shall say, "I'm not listening," over and over; yea, and I will suffer them that they be smitten by their enemies.

25) And except each of their men should cut off one of their testicles, and burn it upon the altar before me, I will not hear their prayers, neither will I show any mercy; and thus saith the Lord, and thus hath he told me to tell you.

26) Now it came to pass that when Abinadi had spoken these words unto them they were wroth with him, and sought to take away his life; but he answered them, saying, don't shoot me! I'm just the messenger.

27) Now when king Noah had heard of the words which Abinadi had spoken unto the people, he was also wroth; and he said: Who is Abinadi, who hath not been appointed by a special meeting of the Twelve, nor sustained by general vote? And who is the Lord, who always wants to torture and kill us just for having a good time?

28) I command you to bring Abinadi hither, that I may hear him out, for he has compromised the happiness of my people by giving them unsubstantiated threats for living normal and healthy lifestyles, and he has tried to disrupt our peace by starting a religious war among us.

29) Now the eyes of the people were unblinded; therefore they rejected the words of Abinadi, and he had to leave town because his threats were not appreciated. But behold, he called it persecution.