1 Nephi, Chapter 18

1) And it came to pass that my brethren did go forth with me; and we did work timbers of curious workmanship.  And the Lord did show unto me the secret of caulking, for whereas workmanships of timbers were common upon the Earth, the secret of caulking required for transoceanic voyages had not yet been unlocked.

2) Now, iNephi know that this is implausible, therefore I shall reinforce the point that this ship was not built after the manner of men.  It was built after the manner of the Lord, which was more modern.  Not the manner of men.  Yes, the manner of the Lord.  Got it?  That is how the ancient peoples of the Middle-East crossed the globe to the Americas.  God did do it, for man most certainly could not have.

3) And iNephi did consult with the Lord oft, in the mount of course, and he did show me many marvelous blueprints.

4) And it came to pass that notwithstanding my brethren had already humbled themselves, once they saw the completed ship they did humble themselves again, and they did admire the large functional sail, which was quite necessary, and the heavy anchor to prevent us from beaching, and the long beams from tall trees that did not exist to provide structural integrity, for behold wood is a poor material for ship building, because it doth bend and twist easily, exposing weaknesses in the gaps.  And they did also admire the weep holes, and the hatches, and the pirate at the helm with his peg leg and retractable telescope.

5) And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came unto my father, that we should arise and go down into the ship, for we did not know that we were supposed to do that.

6) And it came to pass that on the morrow we prepared all things, yea, our turntables, and our iPods, and our bass speakers, and our disco ball, and our modest skirts, and our khaki pants, and our dance cards, and we did all go down into the ship, with our wives, for verily whenever I say we I am always only referring to the men, specifically the married men.  All other people are merely accessories.

7) And now, my father had begat two sons in the wilderness, and my mother did participate also.  The elder was called William and the younger Don Carlos.

8) And it came to pass after we had all passed the dress inspection to ensure that no part of our shoulders or knees were showing, we did go down into the ship, everyone according to his age, whatever the hell that means, and we did weigh anchor and unfurl our sail.

9) For verily we did have a sail, for we were driven by the wind, not the currents.  And after the space of many days, behold, my brethren and the sons of Isaac and also their wives began to make themselves merry, insomuch that they began to dance, and to sing, and to speak with much laughter, yea, and they did even form a conga line.

10) And iNephi began to fear exceedingly lest I should appear unto them awkward, and I did attempt a funky chicken, but behold, they were embarrassed for me, saying: We will not that our younger brother shall humiliate himself in this manner.

11) And it came to pass that my brothers did make me sit upon a fold-out chair against the wall; nevertheless, the Lord did suffer it that he might show unto me the refreshment table.

12) And it came to pass that as I sat down with my cup of lemonade, I did pull out the brass balls, but they ceased to work, and I feared lest I had broken them.

13) And behold, at that same instant a tropical cyclone came upon us, and the upper level wind shear was sufficiently low and the sea surface temperatures sufficiently high in order to sustain steady development, and for three days we were driven by the hurricane.

14) But like all hurricanes, it was only a temporary thing, and by the fourth day it had passed, and millions of the inhabitants of India did die in the storm surge, and others perished when their houses collapsed upon them, but we were fine, so that was good.

15) And my brethren did grow tired of the Macarena after three days straight, for they truly did believe that this dance move would never grow old, and behold they had proven themselves wrong, and they went back to their beds and left me to clean up the cultural hall after them.  And I did stack the chairs, and I carried them eight at a time until my wrists had swollen exceedingly, and great was the soreness thereof.

16) Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions, but rather I did clean the bathrooms with cheerfulness, for verily I had the privilege of having that assignment.

17) Now my father, Lehi, had said many things unto my brothers, and also unto the sons of Isaac, about their choice of music, for behold, it was not in harmony with the spirit of the Lord.  Yea, and even one of the songs was a love ballad, and it was implied in the lyrics that the girlfriend had been living with the boyfriend at some point, and my poor parents being stricken in years were not capable of listening to such foul wickedness, and they were brought down, yea, even upon their sick-beds.

18) And also another song did contain the word hell, and verily it did cause all hell to break loose, and because of their grief and much sorrow over the iniquity of my brethren, that they should even own such music, my parents were brought near even to be carried out of this time to meet their God; yea, their grey hairs were about to be brought down to lie low in the dust; yea, even they were near to be cast with sorrow into a watery grave.

19) And William and Don Carlos also were grieved, for they had need of much nourishment, albeit being very young their caloric requirements were much lower than ours.  Nevertheless, when they did ask for a Go-gurt, nobody would go unto the fridge to fetch it for them, and they did nearly perish.

20) And there was nothing save it were threatening my older brothers with destruction in the name of God that could soften their hearts and convince them to retrieve the Go-gurt, and to remove those songs from their playlist.

21) And it came to pass that after I had figured out how those little braces worked on the legs of the tables, that I might collapse them, I did finish cleaning the cultural hall, and I took the brass balls, and they did work whither I desired them.  And it came to pass that after I did cease there was a great calm.

22) And it came to pass that iNephi did take control of the music selection from that day forward.

23) And it came to pass that after we had sailed to the opposite hemisphere, we did arrive at the promised land; and we did bow down and kiss the earth, and did name this new continent Promised Land.

24) And it came to pass that we did begin to put our seed all over the earth, for they did grow exceedingly.  And when we were finished we went back to the ship to get our seeds we had brought from Jerusalem, that we might plant them.

25) And it came to pass that we did find that we had brought the seeds in vain, for there were already many plants in Promised Land, and we did find also beasts of every kind, both the cow and the ox, and the ass and the horse, and the goat and the wild goat, and all manner of animals that did prove that we were still in the Old World.  And we did not see one single animal that was indigenous to the Americas, yea, not a single one, and I did exclaim unto myself: Fuckin A!  We came right back to where we started!  Nevertheless, I did plant a flag in victory, for I had sailed around the world many centuries before Magellan ever would.