Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Jarom

1) Now behold, I, Jarom, write a few words according to the commandment of my father, Enos, that our genealogy may be kept.

2) And as these plates are small and running out of room quickly, I shall spare ye the boring stuff, for there is nothing more that I could write that my fathers have not already written. For have not they already revealed the entire plan of salvation? I say unto you, nay. Not really; nevertheless this sufficeth me.

3) Behold, as my only stated purpose in writing this is to preserve our genealogy, I could simply write Jarom, son of Enos. But that would be too easy, so I shall go the extra mile and write a little more.

4) And by extra mile I do not mean that I shall write the names of my brothers, or anyone's birth dates. Nope, not even a marriage or two. There are some women around here as well, and only a few hundred people to keep track of, but no, rather than fill these precious remaining pages with actual genealogy like I was supposed to, I shall instead wax verbose.

5) And now, behold, two hundred years had passed away, and my father must have been really fucking old, like eighty, when he had me, for this dysfunctional timeline to continue to work. And my grandfather must have been eighty when he had him. But do not worry, this is not evidence that our wives were half our age. The Lord kept their reproductive systems active well into advanced years, and we always chose the youngest child to pass the record on to, even though that is in complete contradiction with Jewish custom, so ye can just take that little concern from off your shelves.

6) And our population growth rate was unbelievably high, yeah, we had already spread upon much of the face of the land, and that's not even counting the Lamanites who were exceedingly more numerous than they. I mean we. Sometimes I do not get my pronouns straight, despite this book having been translated by the power of God.

7) And it came to pass that we even had enough people to have battles, but they weren't very bloody considering our sustained and inflated growth rate, and the fact that we kept living long enough to have children into our eighties. Wherefore we withstood the Lamanites and swept them away out of our lands. Yea, we verily did not want them as our neighbors.

8) And the Lamanites multiplied exceedingly despite having fewer patriarchs than we did to begin with, which is indubitably a testament to the safety and industry of their society, which thing we do hate. Nevertheless, because we kept sweeping them away and plundering their property, we did become exceedingly rich in all their stuff, including brass and steel, which is abundant somehow despite never having been forged in ancient America - yea, and since we're talking about anachronisms, we did grow exceedingly rich in uranium, and did become expert in the refining of plutonium.

9) And thus being prepared with nuclear arsenal to meet the Lamanites, they did not prosper against us. But the word of the Lord was verified, saying that: Inasmuch as ye shall have continual wars and bloodshed, conveniently none of the named characters in this book shall ever actually seem to die in battle.

10) And it came to pass that the prophets of the Lord did threaten the people of Nephi, according to the loving word of God which had been delivered via imperfect men, that if they did not keep the commandments they should be destroyed from off the face of the land.

11) Nevertheless, the people knew that the date of their destruction had already been prophesied by their forefathers, and because it was not foreordained to happen during their generation (for Christ had not even come yet), they could do whatever the hell they wanted.

12) And it came to pass that God was forced to keep them from being destroyed upon the face of the land; for they did have a good point and He knew it.

13) And it came to pass that an extra thirty years passed away, and I realized that I still had these stupid plates laying around that I started writing on a few decades ago, so I figured I'd write a couple of extra verses.

14) And I, Jarom, do not write more. That's what I dusted them off to say. If ye have any questions, go to those 116 lost pages, for we never tire of referring to them. We just keep bringing them up over and over.

15) And I deliver these plates into the hands of my son Omni, whom I also begat when I was exceedingly old, and even though he is a rather wicked man, he is my youngest, and therefore I must follow the tradition so that we might continue to have a viable timeline.

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