Thursday, December 17, 2015

2 Nephi, Chapter 24

1) And I, Isaiah, did take back my pen, and decided that was the last time I was going to use a scribe.

2) Behold, he was wrong. I am indeed talking about the second coming, not the destruction of Babylon or any of the invasions during my time period. I felt it would be more useful for my people to speak unto them about an event far beyond the scope and relevance of their lives. And behold, Babylon is but a metaphor of the wickedness of the world.

3) In a way, all of us have a Babylon to face. For some, shyness might be their Babylon. For others, a lack of education might be their Babylon. For us, Babylon is a big dangerous nation that wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Isaiah, the people of Israel can conquer their own personal Babylon, which also happens to be the actual Babylon!

4) But I haven't actually made any prophecies about Babylon carrying this people away captive. Just wanted to clear that up. Babylon will be destroyed. That is the real prophecy. And now a proverb about that:

5) Babylon, thou art so fucked up.

6) Thou used to be the bully of the world, but look who's laughing now.

7) Us. We smirk at thy distress. We do a little dance. We love watching thee suffer.

8) Even our fir and cedar trees rejoice, saying: thou hated us, now we're hating you back.

9) Thou art going to hell, and we're going to heaven. We Jews don't exactly believe in an afterlife, but that is how we are interpreting it this time.

10) Now thou knowest what it feels like to be pushed around. Here, let me stick this glowing rod into thine eye sockets.

11) Ha! Thou art dead now! Thy corpse is lying in the street; the worm is spread under thee, and the worms cover thee.

12) How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning? Did Jehovah do that? Did it hurt thy feelings?

13) Thou wanted to get everyone back to heaven? Well too bad! Thou canst take my boot up thy ass!

14) Take Babylon with thee. Fuck them! We never liked them anyway.

15) Ye apostates can rot in hell together for all we care.

16) We shall look narrowly upon thee, with squinted eyes, and shall consider thee, and shall say: Is this the man that thought he was all that and a bag of chips?

17) Is this the man who drank wine, and had fun with his family on Sundays instead of going to church? Is this the man who wouldn't pay tithing and used his surplus instead to send his kids to college?

18) Is this the man that went out on Sundays and let his girlfriends give him blow jobs?

19) Fuck him! Fuck this guy for being so happy! Let us dig up his corpse and murder him again, and then throw his bones into a pit and trample all over them!

20) His kids will never amount to anything. He sucks! I hate this guy!

21) Fire up the furnaces. Prepare the slaughter for his children for the iniquities of their fathers, that they do not rise, nor possess the land, nor infect our children with their worldly attitudes.

22) For God hath said it is okay to commit mass murder under these circumstances. Where's the pitchfork? Where's the gas chamber?

23) I will kill every last man, woman, and child of Babylon if it's the last thing I do. And when I am finished I will kill them all a second time.

24) God said so, so that's how it must be.

25) Fuckers thought they could leave the church and leave it alone.

26) We are correlated, bitch. We have home fucking teachers. What are ye going to do about it? Turn them back?

27) That is my proverb that I think we should sing when God finally takes care of Babylon for us. If ye liked it I have plenty more.

28) I came up with it back when king Ahaz died. Remember him?

29) And now, rejoice not, O reader, because we are come to the end of the Isaiah chapters, for I have one last gem to give unto thee. Cockatrices and fiery flying serpents.

30) Yep. They're real. And they are going to kill all the children that we missed.

31) Admit it. Ye are going to miss this. Ye think that ye are excited to get back to the Nephi family drama, but hereafter it is not as good as ye think it is going to be. Just sayin'. I don't want you to be disappointed or anything.

32) And now, to all of you poor saps who are still reading this dreadful book, I say warmly, and with great feeling in my heart of hearts, fuck you, fuck you all, and thanks for all the hits.

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