2 Nephi, Chapter 18

1) Moreover, the Lord said unto me: Take thee a great roll, and write concerning Maher-shalal-hash-baz, but whatever you do don't use a woman's pen.

2) And I took Uriah and Zechariah to be my scribes, and they began writing in the first-person for me. That's what you're reading right now. Uriah was so cool. No, Uriah was a dick. Zechariah was the cool one. Zechariah was a fucking asshole. Then I took the pen back and began to write the prophecy myself.

3) But it wasn't a prophecy so much as an account of something I once did. I went unto a woman who held the priesthood, whose name I do not now remember. This may be awkward and irrelevant for this setting, but I say unto you that I fucked her tenderly. Then I hung around for about nine months, and she bare a son, and since I was the father I asked the Lord what I should call him, and the Lord said, Maher-shalal-hash-baz.

4) And I thought that was the greatest name ever. And the Lord said, before he shall have knowledge to wipe his own ass, Rezin and Pekah, those guys coming to attack you right now, are going to up and die.

5) I didn't think that was soon enough, but wars took a long time back then, so I figured there was plenty of time.

6) But the Lord spake again, saying, there is a caveat. If your people rejoice in Rezin and Pekah...

7) Now I shall create an awkward break in the text that shall ruin the sentence structure and narrative.

8) The Assyrians shall overrun the land. Not the Syrians. The Ass-Syrians. Syria, Assyria, they sound the same, but while one is a syrious threat, the others are just assholes.

9) Ass-sociate yourselves with Syria and Ephraim, O ye people, and ye shall be broken in pieces. I, the Lord, do not approve of international cooperation. Those other people are evil. We are the good ones. It must always be so.

10) Make peace, and ye shall be broken in pieces. Make peace, and ye shall be broken in pieces. Got the point?

11) Good.

12) So, O ye people, do not fear those two armies that are still coming down that hill, and do not fear the fears of all those around you who do fear.

13) God. Now he is the one ye need to be afraid of.

14) Did ye see what he did to the people of Egypt in Moses' time? Yeesh!

15) And that's nothing compared to what he will do to us when Assyria comes and kills us all and burns all our records!

16) Oh crap! Bind up this scroll. Keep it secret. Keep it safe.

17) And I will wait until this prophesy is fulfilled, and then I will let people read it, or at least I will hide it if it isn't fulfilled.

18) Behold, the Lord gave me two children for signs that those kings are going to up and die. Yes, I know, one of them was supposed to be Immanuel, your "Jesus" hero, but I am telling you, right here, he is a kid who will live in our time, before those kings shall up and die.

19) Ye are all looking to peeping wizards and muttering rodsmen to tell you what's going to happen seven hundred years from now, but I'm talking about the next three or four years. Tops. That is what these prophecies about these two kids are all about.

20) Besides, those prophets are all hacks. I can never lead you astray, and as proof, if I did then God would kill me. See? I am not dead. Told you so.

21) Ye have a hard time understanding my words, but it is because ye do not realize that I am not talking about your Jesus. At all.

22) Behold, if ye shall look upon my words without the blinders of your pre-determined belief system, then ye shall see that I am nothing more than a raving lunatic who lived a very long time ago, and the presence of my words within this book is only an indictment against it, though not as much as every other part.