1 Nephi, Chapter 5

1) And it came to pass that we returned to the wilderness, which is to say the Arabian desert, unto our father and mother, yea, and verily my mother did have a name, Sariah, because sometimes, on rare occasions, girls are good enough to be worth mentioning by name. I love my mommy.  She is exceedingly awesome, so she is one of those girls.

2) And my mom was happy to see us, for she did bitch and moan unto my father the whole time we were gone.

3) Yea, there had been no end to her bitching and moaning, for she had nagged and incessantly hassled my father about his dirty socks in the middle of the floor, yea, indeed she had been a cunt.

4) And it came to pass that my father spake unto her, saying: For fuck's sake, leave me alone woman!

5) I work hard all day to put food on the table and keep a tent over our heads, and this is the thanks I get? An angry woman who can't even hold the priesthood complaining that she can't step over a harmless sock?

6) And after this manner of language did my father, Lehi, put my mother, Sariah, in her place while we journeyed up to the land of Jerusalem. And her place was in the kitchen, or the laundry room, for verily such work was well-suited for a person with a vagina. And thus she and my father were separate, but equal, and she never said that she felt like a second-class citizen within our household.

7) And when we returned we celebrated by holding sacrament services, and naturally my father did conduct while my mother sat in the pews, and because of her renewed humility he did announce that from that day forth women would be allowed to give prayers in church.

8) And my mother did walk up to the podium for the first time ever, and she did fold her arms, bow her head, and close her eyes, and she thanked the Lord for his tender mercies that reminded her of the blessing she had to be in a church that viewed men and women as perfect equals. Yea, and when she was finished she did look at my father, and he did nod, and she returned to the pews.

9) And it came to pass that we burnt a small animal to death in celebration. And peace was once again restored in my father's house.

10) And my father did begin to use Laban's tablet, and he did go unto the website which was called Google.

11) And he did find many talks which have been spoken by the mouth of Thomas S. Monson, which did include many clever anecdotes and stories about widows, but nothing of significance.

12) And he also found Wikipedia, which did give him everything he needed to know in order to invent his own historical fiction and pass it off as true.

13) And it came to pass that my father, Lehi, also found FamilySearch, which did contain thousands of names and genealogies, for verily it had been updated to include my father's family, and he was but one of tens of thousands of Jews, and he was glad that he had decided to get the tablet and not the brass plates, for verily such a staggering genealogical record could never have been contained on a single set of plates.

14) Wherefore, he found that he was a descendant of Joseph, a mythological figure whose historicity was not supported by any evidence. Yeah, and my father discovered that the entire Biblical record of the origin of the Hebrews is at odds with archaeological investigation, which suggests that the Old Testament was first written between 800 and 600 BC, and that all the stories that took place prior to that time are fictional.

15) And my father remembered all the stories he had been taught, that they did sound like fables, for verily the flood story had more holes in it than Noah's ark would have had if it were real, and if Moses had indeed miraculously crossed the Red Sea and led the children of Israel through the wilderness for forty years, then God must have gone before and after them sweeping up every scrap of evidence they would have left behind, for verily none remained, and it was a dry environment which was hospitable towards artifacts.

16) And my father realized that all other Jews were also descendants of Joseph, for he did understand math, and he realized that because Joseph had lived more than a thousand years ago, he would have had quadrillions of descendants, which is to say every person alive in that area at the time was descended from him billions of times over.

17) But my father placed all these doubts upon his mental shelf and did redouble his faith, for if everything he had ever believed in was a lie, then there was no purpose in living, and no reason for to be a good person, and only his belief allowed him to become the type of man he inherently wanted to be.

18) And he began to prophesy, and he prophesied that a temple would be built in the western boundaries of the State of Missouri during his generation.

19) And he prophesied that he would find gold and silver in Salem, Massachusetts, which would relieve his church of its crushing debts.

20) And he prophesied that the United States government would be overthrown in just a few years after a major civil war that would become global, and that Congress would be broken up as a government as a result.

21) And he even prophesied that the second coming of the savior Jesus Christ would occur in the year 1891.

22) But finally he prophesied that after none of these prophecies came to pass as predicted, they would soon be forgotten and my father's followers would pretend they never existed.