2 Nephi, Chapter 31

1) And now, as I just said in the last verse, I, Nephi, make an end of prophesying unto you. And I cannot write but a few things, for I have already wasted too much space with my ramblings. Just to interject, this is Mormon, the abridger. Ye have no idea how true this is. I had to cut out so much. Now back to Nephi.

2) Wherefore, the things which I, Nephi, have written sufficeth me, and thanks to future editors all my grammar shall get cleaned up in future editions, except of course that poor conjugation of the word sufficeth just now.

3) Seriously. I am done. I am not writing another word, and just to prove it, I shall give unto you another prophecy.

4) Wherefore, remember that prophet I told you about, which the Lord showed unto me, that should baptize the Lamb of God? Yeah, I'm not going to talk about him.

5) Instead, think about this. If the Lamb of God, he being perfect, should have need to be baptized for the remission of sins, O then, how much more need have we, being actual sinners, to be baptized, yea, even by water!

6) And now, I would ask of you, my beloved brethren, would ye rather be baptized today, or ten seconds before your final judgment?

7) Know ye not that baptism wipes away all your sins? So, notwithstanding ye shall have boozed it up throughout this life and the next, if ye accept a proxy baptism at the last possible second then God technically can't count it. Am I right or am I right?

8) But, say all ye frowny faced doubters, baptism doesn't change the desires of our heart, and if we have wickedness in our hearts at the moment of final judgment then God will judge us accordingly, to which I say, fair enough, but then who gives a living fuck about baptism?

9) And again, it showeth unto the children of men how easy God's dogmatic ordinances make it to manipulate His system, He having laid the path before them.

10) And the children of men experience cognitive dissonance, understanding that simply being a good person should be enough; nevertheless they continue performing those rituals and ordinances, just in case.

11) For the Father said, be baptized in the name of my Beloved Son, therefore they must check it off their list, and they do it unreasonably early in the timeline of things.

12) I say, if ye must complete a checklist, and if most people who have ever lived shall complete it in the next life, then for God's sake why don't ye leave it for the next life as well? At least then ye shall have just a little more evidence that there is even a next life to begin with!

13) Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I know that ye do not have faith in me that I would be willing to accept the gospel after I'm dead if I did not accept it in this life, but let me tell you this. If I, a skeptic, should believe only in things for which I have evidence, do ye not think that when I find myself still in existence the moment after my death I shall look around and say, hey, I guess there really is life after death after all! And when I stand before the judgment bar of God, and look at the judgment bar with mine own eyes, and feel it with my hands, and hear God's voice speaking unto me, do ye not think I will say, hey, this is an actual thing! I do believe in Thee with full purpose of heart, O God! And I shall say it honestly.

14) But, behold, my beloved brethren, ye think that I will be condemned, that it is somehow contemptible to believe in God only after having received proof of His existence, but I say unto you, what about Alma the Younger? What about Paul?

15) Behold, the Father saith, He that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved. He never said the end can't be five seconds after conversion.

16) And now, my beloved brethren, If I were God I would have created a plan where there was no end, no final judgment or final state, but rather an eternity of growth and progression for all, but we have to work with the system that is already in place.

17) Wherefore, do the things which I have told you, and ye shall have your fun and still be exalted with the rest. For the gate by which ye should enter is strictly defined, and there is no point in doing more than what is required if the end result shall be the same. Therefore drink alcohol, have sex, watch R-rated movies, eat some pot brownies, and once it is all out of your system clean up your act just in time to make the cutoff.

18) It works for the missionaries, doesn't it? And then ye shall accept your vicarious ordinances, and ye can even feel sorrow for your sins, for it doth not matter how much sorrow ye felt at the moment of sin - that is not how repentance works, especially when talking about baptism.

19) And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into the celestial kingdom, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Yea; of course it is! That is why the call it final judgment! And behold, there is no changing kingdoms, therefore ye can go right back to alcohol, sex, and drugs.

20) Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men in that moment of final judgment. Wherefore, then afterwards ye can put it all behind you. Ye shall receive celestial glory, and then ye shall be surprised by the wild orgies that happen in that place. Seriously, a billion resurrected bodies writhing on the floor at the same time. For behold, those who have achieved the highest kingdom shall have no more incentive to refrain from any sin for the rest of eternity, neither shall there be any such thing as STDs.

21) And now, my beloved brethren, this is the best way; and there is none other that allows a more titillating cross section of the human experience. And now, I really do make an end of my words. Amen.