Mosiah, Chapter 8

1) And it came to pass that after king Limhi had made an end of speaking to his people, for he spake many things unto them which I have not written in this book, he told his people all the things concerning their brethren who were in the land of Zarahemla.

2) And when I say all the things, I literally mean all the things, for he had had twenty-four hours since meeting Ammon to get caught up. And when I say I, I mean I as in Mormon, for despite this book being called after Mosiah, Mosiah himself is always mentioned in the third-person, so it is I Mormon telling the whole story, and whether I make up facts to suit my narrative no man knoweth.

3) And he also rehearsed unto them the last words which king Benjamin had taught them, for king Limhi had fucked up on his pronouns once again, leaving the reader to believe that it was he and not Ammon who rehearsed these things.

4) And it came to pass that after he had done this, that king Limhi dismissed the multitude, and caused that they should return every one unto his own house, for the Lamanites guarding the town were already suspicious that they had all gathered together in one place, and seeing them, had begun to pick up on some of the subtexts when the king told his people that they were going to appeal to their brethren to deliver them from bondage.

5) And it came to pass that he caused that the plates which contained the record of his people should be brought before Ammon, that he might read them. And Ammon was skeptical, for the history did intertwine factual information with unicorns, dragons, global floods, and men who kept their muscles in their hair.

6) Now, as soon as Ammon had read the record, the king inquired of him to know if he could interpret languages. And Ammon told him that he could, for despite being a native of Zarahemla, he had been forced to learn the Nephite language as well.

7) And the king said unto him: No, that is not what I meant. I mean, can you interpret ancient languages that you have never heard of before? For behold, I caused that forty and two of my people should take a journey into the wilderness, that thereby they might find the land of Zarahemla, that perhaps our brethren could give us clever ideas like sneaking out the back gate while the Lamanites were drunk.

8) And they were lost in the wilderness, for they did not have the Liahona, yet they were diligent and returned before finding their goal, having traveled in a land which was covered with bones of men, having discovered a land that until very recently had been peopled with a people who, and we counted, were as numerous as the hosts of Israel.

9) And for a testimony that the things that they had said are true they have brought twenty-four plates of pure gold. Nevertheless, nobody is allowed to see the plates and live.

10) And as further proof of the veracity of their story, they have brought breastplates made of brass and copper, and other unlikely items such as Tommy Guns and medals bearing the insignia of the Navy SEAL.

11) And again they have brought swords, but because it had been almost a century, the hilts had perished, for they had all apparently been made of cheese. Nevertheless the bones were still around.

12) So I'm going to ask you again: Knowest thou of any one that can translate this language of a people who are all dead? Perhaps thy people have scholars who have studied such things, for I have a singular obsession to know from whence these records came, for half the characters on the plates look like penises.

13) Now Ammon said unto him: I don't know of any scholars, but we have a half-educated kid who goes around asking people for money in exchange for looking at a stone in a hat and telling them where to dig for gold. Does that count?

14) In fact, that man is our king. He has never actually found anything with his special gifts, but we believe him, and we give him money so he doesn't have to waste his time farming.

15) And the king said, no shit? You've got a peeper for a king and you never told me? A peeper is the greatest kind of person ever!

16) And Ammon said, yeah, and not just that, he's a revelator and a prophet also, and more power can no man have except he should possess the power of God.

17) In fact, if thou shouldst ever run across a peeper, thou shouldst be in such awe of his power and greatness that it shall become meet that thou givest unto him not only your wife, but your daughters as well, so long as they are at least fifteen years old, plus or minus several months.

18) Take heed, for this is the single most important part of this book. God has provided a means that man, for a certain fee, might work mighty miracles, therefore a peeper's services are a great benefit to his fellow beings.

19) And now, when Ammon had made an end of speaking these words the king rejoiced exceedingly, and gave thanks to God, saying: Whereas it would have been the disposition of my predecessors to exercise judgment based on evidence and reason, because I feel good about everything you are saying there can be zero doubt that your vagrant king can look at his rocks and tell me exactly what these dicks on these plates are actually supposed to mean.

20) O how marvelous and great is the Lord, and how stupid are people! That is to say, how stupid are those people who are not second to God alone.

21) Yea, they are as a flock, of birds of course, for there are no sheep on this hemisphere, and they flee from the shepherd, but are ultimately brought back to face his judgment, to be fleeced along with their obedient brethren, and after that to be slaughtered, that they might be eaten by the good shepherd, or burnt upon an altar for no practical reason.